A Couple of Things

This little guy. The weekend we realized that he was doing his weird licking thing and had a bad smell coming from his mouth again.  When he yawned on Sunday I saw that under his tongue was the tumor, back again for round two.  It wasn't as large as the last one that hung out of his mouth but it was definitely back.  Monday morning I called Dr. P and he said bring him in first thing yesterday and they would get it again.  I was scared all weekend thinking that we were just going to hear it was time to let him go but the vet said let's go for it.  So yesterday he got in there and it wasn't near as big but it was affecting two teeth that were loose and falling out and he pulled them along with taking the tumor again.  Dr. P said he is losing more tongue this time too.  I was afraid Clayton wouldn't be able to eat but last night he went in and drank out of his bowl and lapped up some very wet canned food.  That was encouraging.  He was on his pallet on the floor in the living room about 12:30 when I heard him cry.  I jumped up and went in there to check on him, took him outside to potty then put him in bed with us.  That is what he wanted.  He plopped right down and never moved all night long.  Between The Hubby snoring and Clayton snoring, well, sleep was a bit lacking but that's okay, I'll catch up.  At least he's home and we have him for a bit longer.  Dr. P also said that he x-rayed his lungs expecting that the melanoma had spread but they were clear and all the nodules in his neck are too.  That is good.  

I also visited with a friend yesterday talking about all that is going on, especially with me and she proceeded to say I wasn't depressed as much as she was.  She is going through some stuff with family too but she really negated my feelings and that honestly made me very mad.  How dare she say I wasn't depressed.  REALLY!  How does she know what is on my mind that is affecting me in my everyday life.  I know I'm not bad depressed but I am feeling those feelings again and they will get better, I feel that, but don't brush off my feelings like they don't matter.  Good grief.  I've had a rough year, WE'VE all had a rough year compounded with the loss of Daddy, my health (pain), work, and all I'm going through, I have a right to feel what I feel.  Pissed me off.  

Boy, That Was A Rant

Well, the last post was certainly a rant wasn't it.  Honestly, I'm feeling much better just getting that out of my head.  Yesterday I went to my second visit to the podiatrist and I so love this guy.  He verified that my left leg is 3cm shorter than the right leg and actually showed me the x-ray's.  No doctor so far has done that.  He put a lift in my show the last time I was there and this time increased it a bit more.  I now need to find some better shoes that fit higher on my ankle so that I don't turn my ankle.  I HATE shoe shopping and I honestly hate shoes, being barefoot most of my younger days, but that is all a thing of the past.  I can hardly be in the shower barefoot because of the discrepancy in my stance.  It's incredibly hard on my back and my balance is wonky.  He also verified that I indeed need to get my hip replaced sooner than later because it could collapse.  So my main objective this next month is to sign up for Medicare and find another doctor that is willing to do the hip replacement, even though I am scared to death to do it.  I just need to have a better quality of life.  He also said I need to have the knee done too and that my case is a special one because of my right knee and left hip discrepancy.  It may be a bit more and I will probably end up shorter in the long run.  RATS!  The good news is that I'm actually down 2 pounds since the last time I saw him!!!  And my blood pressure is back to normal.  For some reason when I saw him 2 weeks ago it was pretty high and it has not done that in several years.  Kind of scared me a bit.  So, I have got a lot to focus on and get ready to possibly have parts replaced.  

Thanks for reading (listening) my friends as I continue this life journey.  Just being able to dump here helps me carry on with my life in my constant journey to find the happy that sometimes hides from me.  A little bit of spring this week, seeing buds on trees and the trees looking a bit fuzzy with a tad of green is helping.  Although today is yucky, gloomy, extremely windy and has the feel of winter I will ignore that and have my massage today, read a bit and just relax.  I thought about going to the studio but I've been there for several days now and I need to let my project dry a bit.  Definitely a day at home.  

 

I've Lost My Happy

I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen.  Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now.  I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints.  I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY!  I don't feel pretty anymore.  I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body.  I want to feel good again.  I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that.  I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing. 

Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy.  She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that.  I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic.  Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.  

I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together!  I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year.  When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help.  Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation.  Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!  

I'm depressed because my body is broken.  I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting.  I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them.  I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point.  I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring.  I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.  

My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that.  Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT!  I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun.  I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.  

Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook.  But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point.  I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing.  Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group.  So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation.  I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need.  It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food.  Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem.  To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.  

Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty.  Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!  

Food is an addiction, you can't do without.  I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way.  I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time.  Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.  

Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life.  I need a change of venue so to speak.  There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.  

I'm just need to try and find my happy again

because

I'm

not

happy!

Melancholia

Melancholy...that is what I am feeling lately.  I'm not sure if it is spring fever or just flat out depression.  I just spent 30 minutes re-reading my blog posts from the beginning, 2006, after the death of my best friend and just before the death of my mother.  I feel in a rut in a way and I should be happy.  I'm having great fun babysitting with dear Rio and am excitedly awaiting the visit from the youngest daughter and her boyfriend next week.  Yet, I can't seem to read or paint or have a smile on my face.  What is up with that.  I'm just kind of blah!  I'm going to blame it on old man winter and they cold.  Yet today and the past couple of days have been nice and SUNNY!  I'm so ready for spring and summer and I'm ready to NOT WORK!  In fact, I'm playing hooky this morning when I know I should be at the office.  Here I sit at home typing away putting off the shower and packing up of art supplies for class today.  Even that doesn't make me happy.  I don't have anything inspiring me to paint and that is a real bummer.  I've got to get in my happy place.  I don't even want to get my camera out and take pictures so that I have something to paint.  I NEED FLOWERS!  I NEED SUN AND WARMTH!  Come on spring and summer.  I'm ready for a garden!

Mum's The Word

I'm still here I promise.  For some reason I have been quite mum with my writing lately.  I haven't even written in my hand journals.  I kind of blame it on my need to pull into myself this time of year, a form of hibernating when it turns winter.  The feeling is trying to take hold of me this year harder than the past few years.  It is so important for me to keep with my exercise routine and stay busy or I can get really depressed.  I HATE the cold and winter.  I HATE when the trees look like skeletons in the dark and grey sky.  So depressing for me.  

I do love Christmas music playing in the stores and enjoy singing along as I do my shopping, that is grocery shopping.  I have not been to the big mall one time this season!  Most of my Christmas shopping as been online, smaller Mom-n-Pop stores, and of course The Alliday Show.  Gift cards are the bulk of my presents this year too.  A isn't coming home for Christmas this year and as of today have still not put anything in the mail to her.  I'm so bad.  

Since before Thanksgiving and my knee surgery I've been off, real off.  The holidays seem to have just flown by and left me no time to think.  Didn't help we had our HUGE party and then The Alliday Show to occupy most of my time.  Next year, no party and I'm going to actually do Christmas cards again.  For years I had my cards ready before Thanksgiving, and sent tons of them.  The past couple of years the task has fallen by the wayside.  This is just not like me but I can't seem to get motivated.  Oh I can't let the dreary season called winter to get hold of me.  

Jingle bells, jingle bells...

Dear Momma,

Yesterday I posted about not really having anything to say but it was a lie.  I was just trying to forget that yesterday was a day I did not want to remember.  Yesterday was the anniversary of the day my mother took her last breath.  2006 was the hardest year I have ever gone through as I chronicled here:

SEPTEMBER '05: Bought new house

DECEMBER 06: Start packing

Pack #2 kiddo to move to Phoenix

Start remodel of new house

Ready our house to sell

JANUARY: 3 Move #2 to Phoenix

16 Meet with funeral home to pre-plan for Momma

27 Our house for sale (lot of open houses)

23 Our 30th Anniversary

FEBRUARY: 6 Mom bad spell

12 Sold House (2 ½ weeks)

MARCH: 4 - 8 #1 kiddo and I to Phoenix to see #2 kiddo

4 GAIL passed at Barry’s 50th B’day party

8 Gail’s funeral

10 Moving Day

11 Another 50th B’day party to attend

13 Close on house

21 Mom another bad spell

APRIL: Mom- couple of bad spells, called in Hospice

MAY: 6 Momma and Daddy’s 51st Wedding Anniversary

#2 home for a weekend visit

Mom - lots of bad spells, falling down 3 times

JUNE: 1 Moved Mom into nursing home

2 Leave for St. Louis to celebrate my 50th Birthday

Numerous phone calls from nursing home and hospice

12 Momma fell in the nursing home and broke her hip - up all night on phone

14 Mom’s hip replacement surgery

17 Over Beloved puppy dog of 12 years passed away

18 Father’s Day for my sad Daddy

22 Mom moved to LTAC (Long Term Acute Care facility

29 Officially checked Momma out of 1st nursing home ....for now

JULY: 6 Hospital called about putting in a feeding tube

7 Wait for call from Bro that he and Daddy went to hospital and had meeting with Mr. Xing to see why Mom did not want feeding tube. Tried eating stimulant and she ate just fine Doc was confused by our not wanting to do it but Mom didn’t want it.

11 (Tuesday 4:30 pm) Hospital called me to say they wanted Momma moved to Skilled Care nursing home possibly by Thursday (July 13)?????!!!

12 Started the phone calls to put in motion the move.

13 Started doing the paperwork to put in motion the move to Nursing Home and had it ready for the move on Friday...the hospital decided to wait till Monday???

WORK - Insurance auditor "dropped" in unannounced.

15 Would have been Gail’s 50th Birthday - Had her hubby for dinner 
17 Moved Momma to Nursing Home - Skilled Care
18 Daddy had a screaming fit at a poor pregnant rehab nurse
26 Momma took her last breath


It is now 2012, six years later and with a lot of tears, journaling here and in my hand written journal, a bit of therapy and I have come out on the other side of the depression that 2006 left for me.  Turning 50 didn't help at all with the sadness but the loss of so many in my life was almost more than I could bear.  Today, six years later I can still cry at the mention of her, Gail, and our sweet puppy, but now I know that the tears are temporary and life goes on.  You can't stop it, you just have to get through the sadness and move on.  I can see that so much good has happened, and some bad.  Daddy's horrible experience with the hip replacement wasn't very much fun but the good outweighs.  Our wonderful journey in fixing up our house; reconnecting with my bestie from high school; B's wedding and now awaiting B&B's new arrival of our first grandchild, a little girl; my journey to find who I want to be, an artist...see life barrels forward whether you want it to or not.  You can't stop it and you have to let the wounds heal so you can continue the good life.  Remember but don't forget.  I miss them all.

To Be Inspired or To Not Be Inspired

With all that is going on in my life I'm feeling very uninspired.  I love, LOVE to paint but lately I'm not feeling it.  My mind is in such a drag that can't do it.  I still do class work but that is just about it.  I want to sit in my chair and do absolutely nothing.  It could also be the heat that is keeping us all indoors too.  I won't complain about the heat because I like summer and besides I'm saving my complaining for winter, which I so hate.  I've decided to try and find some inspiration.  Not real sure how I'm going to do it but I will dammit! 

The next few weeks I'm going to have some time at home.  My room has become a pit and over run with paintings, books, shoes and piles and piles of papers, mostly Daddy stuff.  The first task will to be to clean it up a bit, get organized.  I need room.  Soon, very soon, the new bathroom will also be done and we can finally move back into that area.  Probably because my guest room is my closet that has me bummed too.  Can't seem to get my house together either with all the chaos that is remodel hell. 

Maybe the chaos that is my home will help the chaos that has become my life. 

Anniversary

June 28, 2006 I posted my very blog post on Blogger.  Now as I approach the five year anniversary of that post and lots of stuff in my life I am re-reading some of my posts.  I was very sad when that first post was written and was only going to get sadder.  The death of my friend, our dog and the imminent death of my mother had taken a toll on me.  It has taken me these past five years to finally be happy again, not tear up everytime I thought about them all.  I think I am finally past the depression that has haunted me.  Now I'm on to the stress that is Daddy and his health issues.  I'm now showing other ways of dealing with that stress with my blood pressure having issues.  Monday B and I are going to try a yoga class.  I think that will help me get a handle on the BP.  When I was at the doctor for a physical last month the BP was up a bit but as we talked, and the talk was about painting, it went down very nicely.  I just need to let it go and of course lose a bit more weight.  Thank you all my readers for taking this journey with me, I hope it is another five years. 

Babbling

Today is a babbling day.  I will type whatever comes through my mind and it may not be good I can tell ya! 


Workout this morning was INTENSE...oh my legs have the wobbles.  It's all good though. 

Harri called to let us know that Mr. T is still in the hospital and may stay through the weekend.  The infection or blockage is still there and the doc's are playing the wait and see game.  Mrs. P is not happy and I can see why.  It's hard to watch someone you love laying there in obvious pain.  Good thoughts are with you Mr. T and gosh darnit, yesterday was his birthday!  Happy Birthday Mr. T!

Having some weird kind of thoughts about friends again.  Goes back to when I was a teenager and I could not understand what was wrong with me.  Why couldn't I get a guy to go out with me.  Why did my friends treat me so bad.  What is/was so wrong with me that no one takes the time to get to know me.  Why don't I get invited to stuff.  Am I such a dolt that I'm just not fun!  Crap!  I asked The Hubby last night, Why.  His response, "It's because you're a party pooper!"  WHAT!!!!!!  I responded, "Why can't you for once be on my side."  I AM NOT A PARTY POOPER!   What the...HAY!!!!!  I don't get it.  I am loyal, a great listener.  I am interesting, I think.  Gemini's are supposed to glib and fun-loving!  Guess maybe I'm a dud there.  Oh well.  Onward!

Back to better thoughts.  Just not worth the worry is it.  I'm an okay person and I like me, that's what counts, right!  Didn't go dancing last night so The Hubby was a bit ticked at me.  I had a sniffle that was driving me crazy, allergies I think.  Besides I don't believe the people would like to be dancing with and touching hands with someone with the sniffles, allergies or not.  Next Monday we will start a class called Night Club Two-Step.  Not sure what that is but we will stop the West Coast Swing for about 6 weeks to do it.  I told The Hubby that the agreement was 1 night a week.  He was not too happy, but hey, I'm actually giving up a meeting for my art group for it.  I'm not doing it next time.  Hmphhhh! 

Rain.  We've had some downpours since yesterday thanks to hurricane Hermine!  The area really needed it and I think it should help the fall color.  Yep, fall is just around the corner.  I'm not too sure that I'm ready for it though.  It will lead into winter my most NOT favorite time of year.  It can be so depressing.  I have to really gear up with the painting stuff and keep my mind focused on it to get me through.  I temporarily moved my painting stuff to the office/shop and have taken up a back office that is not used.  Since I'm having to be there a lot since B is teaching, why not paint.  Yesterday I started a commission piece but I'm not happy with it so far.  Not good.  May have to restart.  Last night I kept thinking about it all night long.  Not sure moving my art place there was a good idea.  I don't feel inspired there.  Oh well, onward! 

See babbling day.  Later gators!

Just gotta

I just gotta post something today even if I don't have a thing to say.  I am just dry as a bone with thoughts lately, although I'm hoping that the sun that has been peeking through yesterday and today will help my mood.  I'm just not happy lately and I know it is the dark and dreary cold days.  I got the results from blood tests from my physical and wouldn't it figure that the only low levels in my entire body is Vitamin D.  Could have guessed that.  So yesterday I rode around in my car with the sun roof open and the heat on and today I will probably do the same.  I need to soak up all the Vitamin D I can get. 

Last night was yet another boring night of dance class.  That has me down too.  I don't know if I can tolerate doing this every Wednesday night with The Hubby.  It's kind of fun but an hour and a half into the two hour evening and I'm just done.  The Hubby made fun of me who works out and then poops out but he just doesn't get it.  It's not so much my body, well it is, but it is mental too.  I'm just tired.  Up at 5 am and hard workout then I'm ready to wind down after a long day, not two hours of dance.  Sometimes I just want to cry because I don't want to go and I can get a tad testy with him.  I'm sorry but it is just how I feel.  I am being forced into feeding his obscession and it is not mine.  He then brought up the Spring Swing Fling thingy and I flat out told him NO!  I'm not going!  I said one night a week and that is it!  He wants to go to workshops but I DO NOT!  I hopefully will be able to stand my ground on this!  Do I sound mean?  I mean I've been there for him for 34 years in work and play and I'm kind of done.  I want to feed my oscession and that is painting, for which I have not had time to pick up a brush, except for class for two weeks.  I am not happy about that. 

Sorry this is a ramble but that is just how I roll lately so go with it.  Toodles all...off to lunch with an old friend!  Remember, I'm over 50 (53) and it's all about me now! 

True Writers Block

I truly have writers block.  Many times I have opened the new post box to sit and stare at a blank page.  My mind is just not doing it lately and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes I think it's the addiction to Facebook and Farmville and television that keeps my mind occupied and not letting the whatever fire to create words and thoughts.  It could also be the days and days of endless cold and dreary days that are depressing me.  I hate, HATE, HATE this time of year.  The trees are stark dead sticks that look like a nuclear war or something.  There is not green or yellow or fresh, only dead, dark and brown.  I am so ready for the winter to be over and yet they are predicting another winter storm here at the end of the week.  Here we go again!  I'm in need of laughter, friends and sunshine, warm sunshine.  Maybe we ought to go south for the winter.  I would not be opposed to that at all.  Love the beach, especially Destin.  I'm also feeling a bit lonely.  We of course celebrated the anniversary and worked at Daddy's the past weekend so no cabin and cabin friends.  

It's very hard to generate friendships, life-long friendships that can endure and I don't mean the casual friends that I have a plethora of.  I love all my friends and cherish them but I don't feel that I have one that would just die for me, would drop everything they are doing to be there for me.  I'm sure I'm wrong but that is how I'm feeling right now and I'm sure it is fueled by the winter depression.  I'm sorry for being a Negative-Nellie today.  Wait, sun is now streaming through my window.  Think I'll sit in it for a bit and get some of the good stuff. 

On a side note.  I've been playing around a little with paint again and quickly dashed this off from a very old photo I've had for 30 years or so.  I love it.

Good Saturday Morning

Good Saturday morning too all. What an absolutely beautiful morning. The Hubby and I decided to stay in town this Easter weekend 1)to dog sit the granddog, 2)to have Easter dinner with my family. Really hate to miss such an awesome day at the cabin (tomorrow rain) but that's okay. Last night I fixed a nice dinner, we shared a great bottle of wine and then spent the evening watching Slumdog Millionaire. I finished yet another baby blanket while the movie was on. I have to keep my hands busy and watching a movie is the perfect place to crochet.

My sleep last night was just full of dreams, lots of dreams. I woke up about 1:30 with a start. My heart was beating like you wouldn't believe. I dreamed I was being chased by a brown bear. There was roaring and running and screaming....AWWWWHHHHHH! Sorry, scared myself to death last night. I tried to go back to sleep but kept trying to go back to running from that stupid bear. Finally, I drifted back off and dreamed nice dreams, not sure what they were now but I didn't wake up scared again.

This morning we were up about 7:30. Got to sleep in a couple of hours. Nestled in with coffee and paper The Hubby started up the movie we began to watch last night, Letters from Iwo Jima. I think it is the opposite side of the movie we watched a few weeks ago, Flags of our Fathers. Intense movie I can tell you. So movie watching means begin another baby blanket.

Today The Hubby has left to hit the flea market and possibly go to the cabin. He can hardly stand it because it is time for the crappie to start biting. So he may or may not go and spend the night. I don't mind. I did tell him to come back before I had to leave in the morning for my Daddy's. I cannot manage to get the granddog, Mondo, into the garage to leave. He's just to big and will not budge. He will need to take Mondo back to his home and install him in his garage, which he likes. He does not like ours. We are going to have a family dinner at my Daddy's. He called me to let me know he had bought a huge ham and doesn't know what he is going to do with it. I took that as, "Please spend Easter here and eat." So I called the siblings and we are all going to show up. We will have the ham, again my famous oven roasted sweet potatoes (secret is jalapeno salt), oven roasted asparagus with red peppers, and deviled eggs. I am providing the veggies and eggs. The SIL is bring a salad and a dessert. I didn't ask Sis to do anything as she is is such a state of depression that would mean she would have to go out into the world. Ever since the heart scare she has been down the lowest I have ever seen her. They took her off her hormones and she has had the scare of her life so no wonder she is depressed. I hope the meds will kick in here pretty soon so she can get back to being the happy person she used to be.

Happy Bunny Day...

Just Another Day

It is Tuesday and again it is just like every other Tuesday or every day for that matter. I get up. I work out. I shower and I do the stuff that is on my calendar. While at work out this morning I was talking to Wade about my rut and being always on the edge of depression. Then he asked about the weekend and I relayed the details of the fish fry. I also told him about Bev & Kel coming up Saturday and how that was really difficult for me. I know we took the trip to New York with them but this was different. It was a familiar place that Gail had been with Kel many times. Also, while the guys were fishing Bev and I started just talking. We had very nice conversations for two solid days but at one point she inserted in the middle of one of the talks that when she and Kel were getting married in the future, then she continued her chat without stopping. I was stuck at that point and really didn't hear anything else she was adding. Married! Well, I knew that was probably going to happen because Kel is still young (my age) and has a lifetime left, but to actually hear it out in the open just took by surprise. I was telling Wade, PT guy, about this today and then I kind of choked up when I said that I still missed Gail, and I so do. I miss that friend and have not found anything to replace her in my life. God, I am lonely and I'm in a rut and I just don't care. I told him I'm pretty apathetic about everything lately, I just don't care about anything and I think that is dangerous and puts me on the edge. I am aware of this and am trying but there are days that it does get the best of me. Today is one of them.

I am sitting here posting this waiting to leave to take my car to have the faceplate for the radio replaced. After that is done I'll go back to the office and deal with a pile of stuff on my desk. Luckily B is there today so I don't feel guilty away. We put a contract on some investment property last week and they accepted it yesterday so that is stuff I have to do. We hired another guy to be a material handler and so that is stuff I need to deal with. We also had to buy another work van and when The Hubby was filling out the paperwork they informed him that there had been activity on his social security number. Since we don't finance much that was a shock but the activity has happened since 1998 and we have bought many vehicles since then. I was shocked we had not been informed by other dealerships before. So when I get back I have to check the credit reports and then deal with that legally. It was a woman out of Texas. Very concerning. Then I get an email from our attorney that is working on our estate planning who wants to meet, with us with the financial planner so I have to coordinate four different calendars to make that happen. Just crap to do and I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY OF IT!!!!!

Fish Fry and more

This entry sadly has no pictures to document the wonderful fish fry we had at the cabin, actually at the wigwam this weekend. We had about 70 turnout for the event and I can tell you I am not looking forward to eating fish for awhile. It was a rousing success as we put out the email invite and told everyone we would supply the fish and condiments, ketchup, tartar sauce and lemons, and everyone else was to bring potluck dishes. We let them decide and it turned out fantastic. There was coleslaw (several kinds), potato salad, cheese grits, salad, hominy salad, pies, cake, cornbread, jalapeno cornbread, just everything you can imagine. I was just stuffed.

This week has kept The Hubby and I busy with financial stuff. We met on Monday with the accountant and Tuesday we met with our financial advisor. These meetings were necessary to make a decision on putting an offer on some investment property. Our business is bursting at the seams and we need more space but the property we are looking at has the potential of leasing out for extra income. So on Wednesday, after the intense meetings we made an offer on the property. We met the realtor, signed the offer and wrote a escrow check for $5000. He left with the paperwork and our check to take it to the owner. I left about 30 minutes after him. I backed out of the parking lot and as I was preparing to shift into drive I saw a small piece of paper in the drive where I had just pulled out. I hesitated and then my gut told me to pick that piece of paper up. I pulled up, opened my door right over the paper and looked down to see $5000, our check was laying on the ground. It had apparently fallen out of the file folder the realtor was carrying. The Hubby walked out of the shop just then to put something into his truck and I motioned him over to my car flagging the check in my hand. He just shook his head, took the check and went inside to call the realtor. I closed my door and went on my way to bowling letting The Hubby handle the situation. So we have made and offer and he countered then we countered back and are waiting to hear.

This next week I have tons on my plate and no desire to accomplish any of it. I need to call one of my classmates that has put together a website for our class to guide me through it (I am the class contact); I need to pay a ton of bills at the office and they will be done tomorrow; I need to pick up the house and do my laundry; I need to call the insurance company to deal with some life insurance stuff YUCK!. All of these things will be done this week as they are necessary and fairly easy, I just don't want to do them. I have a lot of stuff to do at home too that may not get done anytime soon. I still have a closet to clean out but that is a major deal as it is filled with pictures, boxes and boxes of unorganized pictures that I want to organize. The closet is also filled with lots of my craft projects that I just don't do anymore but just can't let go of. Very sad. Actually, The Hubby suggested, after I mentioned, that I look into one of those closet organizers businesses. I don't need the closet for clothes as it is in "my room". I need it to be ORGANIZED which I'm having a hard time doing, especially with the boxes to the ceiling. It is overwhelming. I'm a little overwhelmed at the office too and B is trying to get me to get things together there. I was talking to my friend Bev today and admitted to her that I am just apathetic about everything lately. I don't want to do anything, absolutely nothing. I don't want to read, craft, work, nothing. She said that is sort of the beginnings of depression. I'm actually already there. As I have written before I have been so depressed for at least 2 years after the death of Momma, Gail and our little doggy all within a few months. I seem to rally and then I fall again and that is where I find myself again. I think there are a lot of things going on. I think I have the loss going on, the loss of my mother and one of my best friends and then I'm dealing with the flakiness of another dear friend to top it off. And to make matters worse I'm menopausal! That just makes my mind a jumble of feelings. Oh man I'm going to quit now as I'm making myself more depressed just writing about it. I think I might need to visit a therapist a bit, everyone else in my family has why not me.

Depressed

I'm depressed, I'm sad and just in the dumps this week. I miss my Momma. I miss my best friend. I'm lonely. I feel I'm at the bottom of emotions this week. I don't know what has set me off but probably I have never gotten over the immense loss of the two in a few short months 2 years ago.

Yesterday I tried to get hold of a few people to go to lunch with no luck. My cell phone has not rung all week long except for my daughters. I am lonely for friends. I miss my friends. I miss someone to talk to everyday or so.

Tonight The Hubby and I went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, The Garlic Rose. {On a side note the group Hanson came in and sat at a table within eye shot.} On our way to the restaurant The Hubby asked what was wrong and I told him, "I'm missing Momma and Gail", but the words were choked. I just couldn't get them out. I was emotionally raw. We talked about it a little at dinner and he seemed understanding. After dinner we decided to run through Utica Square to check out the band and the people. As luck would have it we found a great parking spot and walked over to the band and people area, LOTS of people. It was so very hot I could hardly stand it. I was wearing my jeans and socks and tennis shoes, not the wardrobe for standing in the sun and sweating. Since I had sweat buckets this morning I was not in the mood to sweat again. The Hubby kept hounding me to dance but I was not in the mood. I was not going to dance and shake my bootie in front of all of Tulsa, especially feeling as depressed as I was, AND sweaty. Finally, after standing there for an hour I was able to convince him to leave, but he was giving me crap for not dancing. He said he thought dancing might be the perfect remedy for my depression. WHAT! Really. I don't think so. I know he loves dancing but I don't. He said that making my husband happy might be a nice thing to do and I told him that I was going to concentrate on making ME happy first. It pissed him off but I don't care. It is NOT about him. It is about me for once. I'm tired of knuckling under what The Hubby wants. It is my turn to be happy and dancing is not going to cut it. Dancing...Bah humbag!

My life with Lean Cuisine's

My life has become an everyday lunch with a Lean Cuisine. Ever since I really tried to kick the fat habit I've been living in the Lean Cuisine world. In January it started with the era of Slim-Fast. I was doing Slim-Fast for breakfast and lunch then a low-fat, low-calorie dinner. That was to push me into a size 16 for the wedding (March 29), and it worked. Now I have started with a personal trainer 3 days a week along with my Jazzercise 5 days a week, and the walking/jogging which I have pushed to the weekends. I am now back to the oatmeal with raisins and nuts for breakfast and lunch of Lean Cuisine. Dinner is whatever I want really. My favorite Lean Cuisine's are:

Sante-Fe Style Rice & Beans






Vegetable Eggroll

Fiesta Grilled Chicken
and my FAVORITE----- is Sesame Chicken

It's very sad when I see a Lean Cuisine box and I begin to drool but it has become that as I continue my way down the fat scale. Yesterday I weighed myself (I'm not supposed to) and I was down another 2 pounds...so my total is 20 pounds lost and lots and lots of inches. Wade worked my arms so hard this morning that when I had to go down to the floor for crunches and stretching my arms gave out and I fell. They were like wet noodles. They're fine now but I bet by morning I'll be sore again, maybe not though as we did arms yesterday and I wasn't sore but had the same kind of wet noodle thing going on. This has been hard yet easy for me. I know The Hubby has been ready for me to get it off especially since Gail died. He's been so terrified that I would keel over like her but I have worked out for over 10 years now and I have good eating habits and I don't have high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. I'm basically in very good health, but I had to be ready to do the weight loss thing when I was ready, NOT for him. I had to do it for ME. I knew I would when I was ready for the new era of ME. My problem right now is being lonesome. I fight going to the pantry or refrigerator to take away the lonesomeness and boredom I am finding in my life right now. I miss my friend(s). I miss my mother. I miss the groups (women) I was associated with that have folded. I miss Girl Power so to speak. Boy, this blog has really gone South in where I intended to make it rather lighthearted.