Monday, August 28, 2006

I had a dream

OK this is kind of weird but I had a dream Friday night (8/25/06) and this was it. Under the circumstances of my life lately this just gave me chills and I knew immediately what it meant.

I awoke with a start this morning. The sun wasn’t even a thought although there was light, so I knew it was not far from appearing. I lay in bed looking out at the tree limbs watching the shadows of birds hopping from limb to limb. What was it that awoke me with such a jolt. Oh, I remember now.

I had gone to get my hair done. I pulled into a small parking lot with my Tahoe and parked in a fairly empty lot. The guy that was to do my hair was the one I had seen on a television show about his father, grandmother, and their candy store. A blind designer was there to redesign the store. The young man I guess made a mark on my memory because he was a little over the top effeminate. The hair guy told me he couldn’t do my hair right then and that he needed the money. He said he was saving money to have his teeth fixed. He took me in the back of the salon to see how much he had saved and his savings plan.

I followed him to the back of the salon. The place was huge, almost endless in size. There were tons of people milling around and we came to a picnic table. There under the table was some kind of a mouse trap. There was a creature in the tube-like trap and the hair guy picked it up and pulled out the creature which looked a little like a puppy. He put his finger up to its mouth and it bit him. People were standing around him in a circle watching him. He took the puppy creature and started to swing it around by the head trying to break its neck. I couldn’t watch and ran out crying.

I went out through a swinging door to the front and found myself in a restaurant/bar with no apparent walls or windows, completely open to the parking lot. There were many people wandering around in huge crowds. I walked to the parking lot to find my car and leave but I couldn’t find my Tahoe. In a large part of the parking lot was a hot rod car show. I thought maybe my car was towed to make room for the hot rods. I wondered around looking for my car and started to panic. I went back inside to find someone to help. I walked up to a waitress that looked a lot like Regina (a former employee) but she was busy trying to put orders through a kitchen window. All of a sudden there was a commotion and there was a little girl that I guessed could not find her mother or was lost or something. I turned to look at her and she was surrounded by people murmuring. She was sitting in a white wicker chair that dwarfed her. The chair was like the one that I helped Daddy buy for Momma many years ago for Christmas. The little girl had shoulder length curly hair and was holding a doll in her arms. She wasn’t smiling but was looking straight at me with large brown eyes. The crowd surrounded myself and the little girl. They were whispering that her mother had expired, exact word used in the dream. That is when I woke up. My eyes instantly were open wide and I had the realization that the little girl was me and that her expired Momma was my Momma. The little girl was me. I came face to face with the little girl in me that had also lost her Momma.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I Confess

I confess...yes it is true...I'm an addict. My eyes are bloodshot. My hand is numb. My mind is mush. I waste hours, many hours a day dedicated to my addiction. I'm addicted to Club POGO! I have spent the whole day playing POGO. Poppit, Tri-peaks Solitaire, Jungle name it I'm addicted. I can't get enough of badges and games. What a waste of a day. I had to sit at the office all day long and wait for the phone NOT to ring so what's a girl to do. Well, of course, play internet games ALL DAY LONG! Man, I've got to get a life.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I wish I were done.

I wish I were done. Done with the monthly drag. Done with cramps (that have reappeared lately.) Done with feeling I'm in that little box, as my husband calls it. I haven't had a period since June and then this morning, !!!SURPRISE!!!, here it appears again. In June, I had not been visited by the demon since December. ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! And to top off the morning, I had a little bit of cramps like I was a teenager, I haven't had them since BK (before kids). The doc said it could be several years till I was through with this nuisance. I can't wait. I'm ready.

I guess I am in my box. I haven't really had a good cry since Momma died but today I felt like I wanted the flood gates to open. Even now as I type (and a few glasses of wine) I want to cry. I even let The Hubby see part of my blog....OH NO... He'll never find it again. I hate these feelings of weirdness and that is exactly how I feel right now WEIRD!!!!!

Did you know that there is a right and wrong way to put the toilet paper roll on. Yes there is according to The Hubby - or at least he used to say that, he doesn't remember making that perfectly clear to a young impressionable 19 year old bride 30 years ago. Ummmm...That's just a wine-induced observation.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

On the Road

Today my baby (21 years old) is driving from Phoenix to Los Angeles. Yup, she's on the road. She is finished with her school and is now on to her new life and internship in the LA area. YIKES, it's scary but exciting. I guess I'm living vicariously through my daughter cause in my real world there is no way in Hell I'd have the guts to do what she is doing. She called a little bit ago while driving the U'Haul to talk and keep herself busy. She had a little scare when she was driving by an area where there are thousands of windmills and so of course the wind is beastly. The U'Haul was bouncing about a bit and a semi was next to her so she was a little tense. All of a sudden she heard an extremely loud !POP! and it scared her to death. She turned down the music (of course) and looked in her rear view mirror and feared a flat but realized it was the semi next to her as it veered to the side of the road. That would have terrified me. Her friend from home is already in LA and has already proceeded to get the utilities and of course the cable/internet set up so all she has to do is move in and have Momma pay the rent.....of course. Hopefully, after the 2 month internship they will hire her and she can start paying her own rent.


OH My.....I Missed It. I forgot to watch Supernova and see the demise of Zayra...Happy, happy, joy, joy. I was so glad to see her gone, although she did a good job on her original song I could NOT stand to watch her gyrate any more on stage in front of the band and make sexual references like she was a groupy read to do "anything" to be in the band. YUCK!!!!! I knew she had to go sometime and being in the bottom three EVERY week should have been an indication that she should have gone a long time ago.

Friday, August 11, 2006

A Day Off

Finally I was able to take a whole day off...well, at least I tried. The day started with not hearing the alarm at 4:45 am to go workout so I got a little extra sleep. I had planned on not going to work anyway but that idea was thwarted by the insurance man who needed a few checks to start paying for our new Long Term Care Insurance (a must for EVERYONE.) So, that meant I had to go to the office anyway because I keep my checks at the office. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!

I was able to get back to the house around 9:30 am to make some sense of my office/bedroom/craft room/writing room. Ever since we moved into our wonderful house my room has been the last room to get any attention. Last week it became a room I could hardly move around in. The Hubby brought home 4 boxes of books that have been in storage for 10 years. The room was already a mess with piles and piles of junk, now it's worse. I knew the boxes were around somewhere but didn't think I would ever get to unpack them, and unpack I did today. Wow, dusty books, and I'm so sore from lifting and moving. I feel as if I just moved piles of stuff from one corner to another. The room is filled with books, sheet music (daughter's, mother's and mine), keepsake baby clothes, family history with pictures, pictures, pictures, art supplies, and a plethora of just plain old junk that I can't part with. I'm trying to get a handle on it and I will eventually.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I want My Own Middle Age Crazy - I'm Entitled!

I Want My Own Middle Age Crazy – I’m Entitled!

I Want My Own Middle Age Crazy! I’m entitled. It’s just not fair. My husband went to Africa on Safari when he turned 50. He’s purchased countless motorcycles, boats and “Big Boy Toys”. My brother-in-law surprised my sister with his new Harley motorcycle. A friend of mine convinced her husband to sell everything they own and move to a condo on a beach in California, and she even changed her name. You go girl. I Want My Own Middle Age Crazy!

Women and men alike divorce spouses of many years to embark on “finding themselves.” They’re looking for a whole new exciting life. I’m pretty happy with my life of marriage and kids and work. I don’t feel the need to “find myself”, or do I?

My 50th year of life has been traumatic. I/we have become empty nesters. That, in itself can set couples off in different directions of compatibility, but we’ve embraced it. I was ready for the end of chaos, but I was wrong, it just changes to a different kind of chaos when the kids are gone.

The calendar year began with two moves, one to the empty nest stage and then one to a new home that was still in stages of remodeling. Packing, packing, packing, boxes, boxes, boxes, oh my aching back. It was getting to the point that boxes were being stuffed without thought. The hubby was on a rampage to fix the house we were living in to sell. After the #2 kid was transferred halfway across the United States, we made a short move to another bedroom in a smaller bed while we prepared to sell our house. That was fun, not.

The stress and strain were there but we handled it fairly well. A quick trip to visit the #2 kid with the #1 kid in tow was in order, even though I knew the move to the new house was immediate when we returned. The spur of the moment visit was marred with a phone call from the husband. Our best friend of many years died suddenly. Wham! I was hit between the eyes with a reality check on how precarious our lives are. But, I didn’t have time to let that reality soak in much.

Shortly after this tragedy my dear mother started going downhill. Daddy just couldn’t care for her at home anymore. My brother, sister and I were thrust into the difficult web of nursing homes, Medicare, health insurance, skilled nursing care, funeral plans, caskets, cemetery plots, concrete vaults vs steel, broken hips, feeding tubes, living wills, DNR’s, and many middle of the night phone calls. There were lots of tears and talk, hugs and decisions all with the blessings of our father. During all of this stress and tension I turned 50, very quietly. We also lost our four-legged companion of 12 years. How much more can I tolerate, well, a little more is my guess.

Wednesday, July 26 at approximately 2:25 pm I sat at my mother’s bedside and watched as she took her last quiet breaths. My heart was breaking but I was also relieved that she was not struggling anymore.

What a 50th year I’ve had. I wanted a birthday party. I wanted to go to a two week spa. I wanted a sports car. (I did get the house of my dreams…excuse me, “We” did). I wanted a hoopla. I got tears, heartache, and just plain sadness.

This has been my tale to tell of my search for a Middle Age Crazy. I haven’t had time for the expected crazy decisions I “should” be making since I’m now 50. I’m now an official member of AARP and if my dear husband buys himself another “Big Boy Toy”, well, then I’m just going to have to retaliate somehow.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Old Grind

(My favorite place...
Rattlesnake Hollow)

Today is Tuesday and here I sit at my desk just looking at the piles and piles of work that have accumulated. It is overwhelming. I really don't know where I should start and yet I find the time to write here. I can't seem to get started. It is probably because I have been so out of pocket for so long and being here is out of the ordinary. I have let the filing pile up for 6 months. I need to pay the bills since it is the first of the month but there are so many between the office and personal bills. I really need to be in this office without ANYONE knowing I'm here, including The Hubby. I need to be uninterupted, without any kind of distraction. No phones ringing, no deliveries, no employees walking in the door, no Hubby staring at me. ARGHHHHHHHHHH I think I need alone time. I know. I'm going to the cabin this weekend, but wait, weekends are not all that alone...hahahahaha...PARTY TIME!!!! Yeah, that's fun too. A chilled Cosmopolitan and a good book or neighbors and music for dancing. Hmmmmm not sure which I would like.

Do I sound insensitive about the death of my mother. No not really. I'm more relieved that she is at peace. That my world is not revolving around watching her. My Daddy is doing really good. I'm not sure about my Bro or Sis at this point. I haven't really talked to them in a few days. I needed a break from that intensity too. I'm really ready for my spa week or weeks...sometime soon I hope. I had a massage and facial booked for last Friday but well, funeral and all, that had to be canceled.

I've just got to get my mind wrapped around life again. That may take a little time.