Tis the season to stay really, really busy. Today is our huge party and I'm so excited that of course I couldn't sleep in. My mind starts going off about 4:30 a.m., just about the time Clayton starts waking up for his 5 am feeding. Once the mind starts whirring I'm done for and just have to get up. Especially today as the day for our Christmas Extravaganza has come. I sent out 92 invitations and as of yesterday am still receiving RSVP's, but that is okay. I've booked for for 150 with the caterer. The Hubby and I went to the liquor store and purchase a sizeable amount of beverages, nearly $500 worth but we think we might need more. I have wait staff hired to help. Finally, yesterday the wonderful brother-in-law came over with boxes of decor to add to my stuff. He hung wreaths, swags and set sweet little white baby reindeer (pictures later) around to enhance the feel of Christmas. The Hubby has gone overboard, when he said he wouldn't, and hung lights on the front of the house and around the backyard on the new landscaping. It's so pretty. I think the weather is going to hold out one day for us and stay fairly nice, nice enough that we can leave the doors open and have a nice fire in the fire pit, plus we have the heater outside. I think we will have slightly over a hundred people in attendance but as it is a drop in kind of thing I don't think it will be all at once but we can handle it.
My knee is so much better and my plan for the evening is to wear this killer cocktail dress I purchased. I'm so hoping I can wear my pumps, my favorite shoes for most of the evening. I certainly don't want to be forced to my tennis shoes for comfort. The one thing I won't be doing this time around is drinking a lot of wine. Oh my gosh, six years ago, the last time we had this kind of shindig, I was still reeling from the loss of my mother and my best friend Gail and I imbibed a bit too much, a LOT too much. I spent the night on the bathroom floor sick, SICK I say. It was just too much after all the loss and I took to the wine to have a release. 2006 was a very hard year for me and 2012, I have healed and moved on and to top it off have reconnected with my high school bestie friend, Sharon. 2011-2012 have been the best for me. We've completed the house totally. I found Sharon again. We had our first grandbaby, granddaughter Rio come into our lives. And, my art is taking a different direction and given me a new sense of ME! I'm ready for 2013 and what it holds!
Showing posts with label parent loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parent loss. Show all posts
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Dear Momma,
Yesterday I posted about not really having anything to say but it was a lie. I was just trying to forget that yesterday was a day I did not want to remember. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day my mother took her last breath. 2006 was the hardest year I have ever gone through as I chronicled here:
17 Moved Momma to Nursing Home - Skilled Care
18 Daddy had a screaming fit at a poor pregnant rehab nurse
26 Momma took her last breath
It is now 2012, six years later and with a lot of tears, journaling here and in my hand written journal, a bit of therapy and I have come out on the other side of the depression that 2006 left for me. Turning 50 didn't help at all with the sadness but the loss of so many in my life was almost more than I could bear. Today, six years later I can still cry at the mention of her, Gail, and our sweet puppy, but now I know that the tears are temporary and life goes on. You can't stop it, you just have to get through the sadness and move on. I can see that so much good has happened, and some bad. Daddy's horrible experience with the hip replacement wasn't very much fun but the good outweighs. Our wonderful journey in fixing up our house; reconnecting with my bestie from high school; B's wedding and now awaiting B&B's new arrival of our first grandchild, a little girl; my journey to find who I want to be, an artist...see life barrels forward whether you want it to or not. You can't stop it and you have to let the wounds heal so you can continue the good life. Remember but don't forget. I miss them all.
SEPTEMBER '05: Bought new house
DECEMBER 06: Start packing
Pack #2 kiddo to move to Phoenix
Start remodel of new house
Ready our house to sell
JANUARY: 3 Move #2 to Phoenix
16 Meet with funeral home to pre-plan for Momma
27 Our house for sale (lot of open houses)
23 Our 30th Anniversary
FEBRUARY: 6 Mom bad spell
12 Sold House (2 ½ weeks)
MARCH: 4 - 8 #1 kiddo and I to Phoenix to see #2 kiddo
4 GAIL passed at Barry’s 50th B’day party
8 Gail’s funeral
10 Moving Day
11 Another 50th B’day party to attend
13 Close on house
21 Mom another bad spell
APRIL: Mom- couple of bad spells, called in Hospice
MAY: 6 Momma and Daddy’s 51st Wedding Anniversary
#2 home for a weekend visit
Mom - lots of bad spells, falling down 3 times
JUNE: 1 Moved Mom into nursing home
2 Leave for St. Louis to celebrate my 50th Birthday
Numerous phone calls from nursing home and hospice
12 Momma fell in the nursing home and broke her hip - up all night on phone
14 Mom’s hip replacement surgery
17 Over Beloved puppy dog of 12 years passed away
18 Father’s Day for my sad Daddy
22 Mom moved to LTAC (Long Term Acute Care facility
29 Officially checked Momma out of 1st nursing home ....for now
JULY: 6 Hospital called about putting in a feeding tube
7 Wait for call from Bro that he and Daddy went to hospital and had meeting with Mr. Xing to see why Mom did not want feeding tube. Tried eating stimulant and she ate just fine Doc was confused by our not wanting to do it but Mom didn’t want it.
11 (Tuesday 4:30 pm) Hospital called me to say they wanted Momma moved to Skilled Care nursing home possibly by Thursday (July 13)?????!!!
12 Started the phone calls to put in motion the move.
13 Started doing the paperwork to put in motion the move to Nursing Home and had it ready for the move on Friday...the hospital decided to wait till Monday???
WORK - Insurance auditor "dropped" in unannounced.
15 Would have been Gail’s 50th Birthday - Had her hubby for dinner 17 Moved Momma to Nursing Home - Skilled Care
18 Daddy had a screaming fit at a poor pregnant rehab nurse
26 Momma took her last breath
It is now 2012, six years later and with a lot of tears, journaling here and in my hand written journal, a bit of therapy and I have come out on the other side of the depression that 2006 left for me. Turning 50 didn't help at all with the sadness but the loss of so many in my life was almost more than I could bear. Today, six years later I can still cry at the mention of her, Gail, and our sweet puppy, but now I know that the tears are temporary and life goes on. You can't stop it, you just have to get through the sadness and move on. I can see that so much good has happened, and some bad. Daddy's horrible experience with the hip replacement wasn't very much fun but the good outweighs. Our wonderful journey in fixing up our house; reconnecting with my bestie from high school; B's wedding and now awaiting B&B's new arrival of our first grandchild, a little girl; my journey to find who I want to be, an artist...see life barrels forward whether you want it to or not. You can't stop it and you have to let the wounds heal so you can continue the good life. Remember but don't forget. I miss them all.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Giving In To The Chaos
I am giving in to the chaos of construction. Time away, even though it was only one night at the cabin, spending time with friends, laughter and a few glasses of wine, have given me the breather I needed. I have cancelled the new book club meeting that I had scheduled for Wednesday night and I'm cancelling the house cleaning that would have taken place. There is no point on that one. I have opened my schedule to let the chaos rule my world. I even cancelled my hair appointment, twice, for the gray coverage. I am going to live with it a bit longer.
Actually, something happened yesterday that has put a new perspective on my life and that what is going on in it is NOTHING. An old friend of ours lost her husband and it was so very tragic I can hardly put it into words. There was a gang related shooting at one of the Best Buy's here in town, not far from our home actually, and that alone is scary. He was inside the store with his 12 year old daughter when a stray bullet came through the door, hit him square in the heart. Down he went with his daughter asking if he was okay. The last words he spoke were, "No!" He was gone in that instant. An innocent bystander on a Saturday afternoon excursion with his precious daughter and his life was ended by the stupidity of gang violence. The man outside, the intended target was also killed. This horrific tragedy makes the crap I have been complaining about NOTHING, absolutely nothing. I can't imagine how K's life has been so tragically devastated by this. One minute you have a happy little family and the next it has been ripped apart, smashed into oblivion. My heart goes out to K and her small daughter and her older daughter E that is one of B's dearest friends. I've known E for over 25 years and cannot imagine the heartache she has for the loss of her dear stepfather that she loved. The pain that her little sister is going through now and the trauma that has befallen on her. Senseless, absolutely senseless.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Who Do You Miss
The prompt on NaBloPoMo a few days ago was asking "who do you miss right now." I don't follow the prompts often but since I'm trying to write every day I thought this one rang my bell. The question that popped out at me today is this one. Yesterday I was driving home from the office enjoying my new CD from Mumford and Sons and the fall colors when I started missing my momma and Gail. Just out of the blue I started to get sad and just not sure why. I have a feeling, like last year, it is the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. It was my mother's favorite holiday. She used to love to gear up with the turkey and dressing and pies and just food. After four years of writing here I seem to be falling into a fall rut with this issue but I just can't help myself. I feel lonely. I am lonely for my momma and my friend Gail. It's a fact and I'm just going to say it and that will be it.
Monday, August 02, 2010
McLinky Monday - Friends
McLinky Monday with the RHOK girls...
Awww, a subject I've written on several times since I started my blog in 2006...What are the top 5 qualities that are most important in your friendships?
I've written here before about the need of a friend that thinks of me first sometimes. A person that wants to drop in and have a cup of coffee at a moments notice. A friend that wants to go shopping, to a movie, or just have a weekend at the lake reading all day long without a word spoken, but enjoying the companionship. I envy some friendships where not a day goes by where they don't talk. I had that kind of friendship with my mother and my friend Gail. I've kind of lost that but I still have loads and loads of friendships. They are different but that is okay, it is what makes life so wonderful, having all kinds of people enriching your life. Hmmm, makes the world go 'round.
Awww, a subject I've written on several times since I started my blog in 2006...What are the top 5 qualities that are most important in your friendships?
- A friend that is there for me, supportive. I am there for my friends and expect it from them. To be there in good and bad, happy or sad, there for the duration.
- A friend that is a good listener. A friend is one who listens to all of my joys and sorrows and does not judge. I think that is the one quality that I am best at and draws people to me.
- A friend is honest. I want someone to tell me if I'm being stupid. Be honest with me please and I will return the favor.
- Tolerance & Respect (counts as 2) Now that honesty has been said, there is also tolerance and respect that you have for your friends. No two people can have the same ideals and beliefs, EXACTLY...You have to respect a person.
I've written here before about the need of a friend that thinks of me first sometimes. A person that wants to drop in and have a cup of coffee at a moments notice. A friend that wants to go shopping, to a movie, or just have a weekend at the lake reading all day long without a word spoken, but enjoying the companionship. I envy some friendships where not a day goes by where they don't talk. I had that kind of friendship with my mother and my friend Gail. I've kind of lost that but I still have loads and loads of friendships. They are different but that is okay, it is what makes life so wonderful, having all kinds of people enriching your life. Hmmm, makes the world go 'round.
Monday, May 31, 2010
McLinky Monday: Why Do I Blog
The McLinky Monday question of the day from the RHOK is Why Do I Blog! Interesting question and actually I am asked that a lot by people who have no idea what a blog is or even what a website is (scary.) My first blog was June 28, 2006. It was 3 months after my best friend passed away very suddenly, I turned 50, my mother was dying, we moved and became empty nesters. I had a lot going on then and needed to vent somehow. I have journaled for years and years and so blogging was the next step for me. I like to write. I'm not necessarily good at it but I like to write. Writing gives me a good outlet to express and before it just stayed between me, myself and I. Blogging is me, myself, I and the world! I like that. I like an audience, even though it is somewhat a hidden audience. Back to June of '06, I was in deep depression and total sadness and the blogging helped me to vent and let out some of it, still does. I blog to let the world know a little about me. I blog for my health, my mental health. I blog because I have found friends, never meet kind of friends sometimes but I like that too. I have always been a big letter writer. I even have a pen pal that I have written too since I was about 15 years old...I'm 54...you do the math. I blog because in a way I feel not so lost in this world. Blogging is fun and I encourage anyone to do it. I blog!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Feeling Disconnected
I apoligize for not being here and there lately. I have been feeling a little bit disconnected with my blog-nality. I haven't even been reading many blogs either and not sure why exactly. This incessant rain has me a little down. We've gone from summer straight to fall/winter and that usually sets in a depression phase for me. I NEED sunshine! Actually, I feel great. My workouts have been awesome (thanks W) and my eating is not too bad. I've been taking my vitamins and minerals and they have been helping my skin issues. Let me tell you something, when I turned 50 (now 53) my skin decided to make a u-turn from oil to the sahara desert, except for my face and hair, that is consistently oil. I can't believe how it has changed.
(Okay, keep reading if you want but this is going to be a rambling post today...)
I have a lot of stuff on my mind as of late. I'm excited with Thanksgiving rolling around as our youngest is going to be home for 2 weeks and I'M going to cook Thanksgiving dinner. I so missed that last year and I have decided that even if it was just The Hubby and myself that I was going to do it. I think my Daddy will be traveling to stay with his sister in Arizona for about 4 months and we all think that would be awesome for him. That also means that, if he goes, we are going to get in his house, rent a POD, and move all the furniture out to paint and recarpet and get it nice for when he comes back. I'm very excited about that.
Part of my sadness, I think, is that our friend K who we set up with Bee after his wife (my best friend) died are getting married December 5. That does have me a bit wonky but I'm so very glad for them both. With this being put out there I'm feeling, yet again, the effects of the loss of my friend and confident in Gail and my mother. I have a lot of friends, many, many friends but those two were the ones that I could tell ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to and not feel that I was bad or weird. Don't you have different levels of friends that you can spill it all out to and some that you have to be careful what you divulge. I have friends that I just have to keep my lips a little more silent and I don't like that. I like to be who I am and say what I want to say. Those two people in my life did not judge me at all in anything I shared with them. I just don't have that anymore, not even with The Hubby to an extent. It's just different with women and men relationships, even married ones. Don't get me wrong, The Hubby and I are very, very close but you know when you have a gripe about the spouse you need a sounding board sometimes and those boards for me are just gone. I can't talk to my girls, at least I don't think I should, it's just not right. I'm still flailing out there trying to find my balance in the world of friendship. It will get better, eventually but for now I'm just sad about it all.
(Okay, keep reading if you want but this is going to be a rambling post today...)
I have a lot of stuff on my mind as of late. I'm excited with Thanksgiving rolling around as our youngest is going to be home for 2 weeks and I'M going to cook Thanksgiving dinner. I so missed that last year and I have decided that even if it was just The Hubby and myself that I was going to do it. I think my Daddy will be traveling to stay with his sister in Arizona for about 4 months and we all think that would be awesome for him. That also means that, if he goes, we are going to get in his house, rent a POD, and move all the furniture out to paint and recarpet and get it nice for when he comes back. I'm very excited about that.
Part of my sadness, I think, is that our friend K who we set up with Bee after his wife (my best friend) died are getting married December 5. That does have me a bit wonky but I'm so very glad for them both. With this being put out there I'm feeling, yet again, the effects of the loss of my friend and confident in Gail and my mother. I have a lot of friends, many, many friends but those two were the ones that I could tell ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to and not feel that I was bad or weird. Don't you have different levels of friends that you can spill it all out to and some that you have to be careful what you divulge. I have friends that I just have to keep my lips a little more silent and I don't like that. I like to be who I am and say what I want to say. Those two people in my life did not judge me at all in anything I shared with them. I just don't have that anymore, not even with The Hubby to an extent. It's just different with women and men relationships, even married ones. Don't get me wrong, The Hubby and I are very, very close but you know when you have a gripe about the spouse you need a sounding board sometimes and those boards for me are just gone. I can't talk to my girls, at least I don't think I should, it's just not right. I'm still flailing out there trying to find my balance in the world of friendship. It will get better, eventually but for now I'm just sad about it all.
Monday, February 23, 2009
A Hippy Day
I hit the ground running today and never even made it to the office. Thank goodness we have an answering service. Since the entry bathroom remodel is going so fast I had to find a wallpaper. I found one online and went to the store to see if they had it in stock. My track record for stuff like that is nil but I took the chance. I had to wait till 10 when they opened but that was okay as I spent the time getting ready, reading blogs, talking to my cleaning lady and the carpenter. It was 9:45 by the time I left the house. I called Daddy on the way and told him that I would meet him at the doctor/surgeons office about his hip at 1:30. He told me he had to be there at 1:10 to fill out paperwork. Okay, that was no problem. I rushed to the wallpaper place to find out that the one and only paper I liked was discontinued and they only had three rolls, I needed five. He took my number on a tiny piece of paper and promised to call after the distributor called him back if there were more to be found. Yeah right. I was again on the hunt for more places to look for wallpaper as he was not offering to help me at all. A quick stop at Harri's for the bathroom and a little chat and I was again moving. Bad lunch at Taco Bueno (bad girl) and another round of wallpaper books. I left the girl my number and a piece of the one I liked that I had printed off from the website and told her I would be back after the doctor's appointment.
Finding the building where Daddy's appointment was took me a bit. I finally found the right one at 1:30 and walked in to find him sitting, waiting anxiously for me. He filled out part of the paper work and was glad to have me finish it. Sitting in the waiting room with my Daddy and waiting and waiting was agonizing for me. The room was packed with all ages of people, well at least over forty at least. There were canes and wheelchairs in abundance. Some even lined up against the wall with people. One of the wheelchair ladies either got really hot sitting there or she had a stomach bug because a nurse came running out from behind the window with a small trash basket in her hand. She was quick to catch the vomit. I couldn't look. Coughing, hacking and vomit was not what I needed right now with my compromised immune system. There were so many people in the office that there was not a place to sit. I was getting a little claustrophobic with fear of illness. People were going through the door to find themselves coming back out to wait more. Finally at 2:00 his name was called and he with cane slowly made his way to the next waiting area. Actually, that was short. The nurse came in immediately and began asking him questions, most of which he could not hear, one of the reasons I was to be there. Daddy had his x-ray's that his primary care doctor took but they weren't good enough, naturally, so new x-ray's. They handed him a pair of blue paper shorts that he needed to put on. I got the wonderful task of helping him out of his jeans and into the shorts. (Where was my sister or brother.) The doctor was pretty nice and told him that he definitely had bone on bone, arthritis. He could do surgery now or he could wait. It would not get better but probably worse. Daddy went in with the idea that he was doing surgery and if they told him tomorrow he would do it. We were given a card to call tomorrow to set up the appointment for the big day, probably April. Tomorrow morning I will show up at his house where I can tap into him for information and his health insurance cards to set up the appointment. He doesn't hear well on the phone and relies on we kids to do this part. As we were standing in the elevator going down to the lobby I teared up. I was just having a meltdown right there in the elevator. We walked outside and I told him again that I would be at his house in the AM to set up the details and he was glad. I walked to my car in the opposite part of the parking lot and the tears were welling up. I just can't do this. I called my brother and told him what went down and cried. I called my sister and then totally lost it. I just can't do this. I know in my head that Daddy is really in very good health and will be okay but Granny fell, broke her hip, and had surgery. She was never the same. Momma fell, broke her hip, had surgery and died a month later. I know logically that he will be fine but my heart is just terrified. I just can't go through this stuff so soon again without being healed inside and out. I think I'll make an appointment with the therapist tomorrow. This is going to set me up for more depression.
Finding the building where Daddy's appointment was took me a bit. I finally found the right one at 1:30 and walked in to find him sitting, waiting anxiously for me. He filled out part of the paper work and was glad to have me finish it. Sitting in the waiting room with my Daddy and waiting and waiting was agonizing for me. The room was packed with all ages of people, well at least over forty at least. There were canes and wheelchairs in abundance. Some even lined up against the wall with people. One of the wheelchair ladies either got really hot sitting there or she had a stomach bug because a nurse came running out from behind the window with a small trash basket in her hand. She was quick to catch the vomit. I couldn't look. Coughing, hacking and vomit was not what I needed right now with my compromised immune system. There were so many people in the office that there was not a place to sit. I was getting a little claustrophobic with fear of illness. People were going through the door to find themselves coming back out to wait more. Finally at 2:00 his name was called and he with cane slowly made his way to the next waiting area. Actually, that was short. The nurse came in immediately and began asking him questions, most of which he could not hear, one of the reasons I was to be there. Daddy had his x-ray's that his primary care doctor took but they weren't good enough, naturally, so new x-ray's. They handed him a pair of blue paper shorts that he needed to put on. I got the wonderful task of helping him out of his jeans and into the shorts. (Where was my sister or brother.) The doctor was pretty nice and told him that he definitely had bone on bone, arthritis. He could do surgery now or he could wait. It would not get better but probably worse. Daddy went in with the idea that he was doing surgery and if they told him tomorrow he would do it. We were given a card to call tomorrow to set up the appointment for the big day, probably April. Tomorrow morning I will show up at his house where I can tap into him for information and his health insurance cards to set up the appointment. He doesn't hear well on the phone and relies on we kids to do this part. As we were standing in the elevator going down to the lobby I teared up. I was just having a meltdown right there in the elevator. We walked outside and I told him again that I would be at his house in the AM to set up the details and he was glad. I walked to my car in the opposite part of the parking lot and the tears were welling up. I just can't do this. I called my brother and told him what went down and cried. I called my sister and then totally lost it. I just can't do this. I know in my head that Daddy is really in very good health and will be okay but Granny fell, broke her hip, and had surgery. She was never the same. Momma fell, broke her hip, had surgery and died a month later. I know logically that he will be fine but my heart is just terrified. I just can't go through this stuff so soon again without being healed inside and out. I think I'll make an appointment with the therapist tomorrow. This is going to set me up for more depression.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Goonies
Yesterday my "friend" called and wanted to know if I was free for the evening. I was and she told me to be ready at 7 for a surprise. She arrived a few minutes after and then we spent a bit of time looking at the plans for our bathroom add-on and remodel then chatted with The Hubby about his hanging of his leg lamp party lights with his Daisy Red Rider BB gun and faux broken glasses. Then the conversation swiveled around to a couple of her children, of course.
All of a sudden she said, "We gotta go." So hopping in her car, I was taken to a destination unknown. (The whole drive there was a conversation on her third child.) A few minutes later we arrived at the movie theater. Ah...a movie. We got in line and she asked which movie I thought we were going to see. I looked at the marque and guessed Goonies. She smiled widely. The Goonies movie is one of my all time favorite movies and I have never seen it on the big screen so I was surprised it was on. The theater is running classic movies.
After the movie we had a nice 10 minute drive home talking about just stuff. When we pulled in the drive, I thought she would come in to visit or just sit in the car and talk, but she pretty much told me I needed to hop out so she could pick up her youngest at the airport. So the evening spent with my friend, which I have not had an extended conversation with since August, consisted of total conversation time of about 20 minutes, most of which was about her children.
Sorry had to get that off my chest. Although the thought about going to the movie was awesome. Am I being a petty nasty little friend. I feel like I am.
___________________________________
Today we were supposed to close on the new property. We were supposed to close last Monday. Both days we have not closed on the property and I don't know if it will even happen. I think we are getting the run around and now the words "my attorney" have been tossed in the ring. The guy we have a contract with is in the middle of a divorce and the property is mortgaged, well, apparently the soon to be ex-father-in-law bought the mortgage and is dangling it over the poor guys head and is saying that the pay-off is more than was stated. EGADS....we are caught in the middle of a stupid divorce of which the in-laws are involved. The Hubby is really sad. He has been so excited about possibly moving the business there and expanding.
____________________________________
Now to a very sad phone call. This morning at the office I heard my cell phone ring in the front office and B answered it. I heard her say, "Papa, what's wrong." It was my Daddy, her Papa. I rounded the doorway and saw tears welling up in B's eyes. I was terrified. It was bad but not as bad as I thought. She handed me the phone and whispered that it was Peaches, his cat. Daddy's little devil cat Peaches.
I took the phone and Daddy was crying. He just had to have her put to sleep and it was crushing him. I knew she had not been well but had no idea it was quite that bad. He was sobbing and said it was like losing Momma all over again. You see Peaches was Momma's cat, but Peaches and Daddy had bonded since Momma died and it was sort of like losing Momma again for him. Poor guy. On top of that my Daddy has never, I repeat NEVER had to make the decision of euthanizing an animal, a pet. Momma had always made that decision. Hell, in fact I had to physically take his suffering, dying dog out of his arms to have put down because he just could not do it. I feel so bad for him because now he is truly alone in that house. That cat was his company, his friend. I'm sure he is crying tonight. This has also been a blow to me. When Daddy said it was like losing Momma all over again I was immediately taken to a real low. As I have written before I'm still dealing with the loss of my Momma and my best friend Gail, along with the death of our dog in the midst of it all, nearly 3 years later. I've been trying to make a decision to see a counselor, a therapist as I'm still sad. So this morning just took me back down again.
All of a sudden she said, "We gotta go." So hopping in her car, I was taken to a destination unknown. (The whole drive there was a conversation on her third child.) A few minutes later we arrived at the movie theater. Ah...a movie. We got in line and she asked which movie I thought we were going to see. I looked at the marque and guessed Goonies. She smiled widely. The Goonies movie is one of my all time favorite movies and I have never seen it on the big screen so I was surprised it was on. The theater is running classic movies.
After the movie we had a nice 10 minute drive home talking about just stuff. When we pulled in the drive, I thought she would come in to visit or just sit in the car and talk, but she pretty much told me I needed to hop out so she could pick up her youngest at the airport. So the evening spent with my friend, which I have not had an extended conversation with since August, consisted of total conversation time of about 20 minutes, most of which was about her children.
Sorry had to get that off my chest. Although the thought about going to the movie was awesome. Am I being a petty nasty little friend. I feel like I am.
___________________________________
Today we were supposed to close on the new property. We were supposed to close last Monday. Both days we have not closed on the property and I don't know if it will even happen. I think we are getting the run around and now the words "my attorney" have been tossed in the ring. The guy we have a contract with is in the middle of a divorce and the property is mortgaged, well, apparently the soon to be ex-father-in-law bought the mortgage and is dangling it over the poor guys head and is saying that the pay-off is more than was stated. EGADS....we are caught in the middle of a stupid divorce of which the in-laws are involved. The Hubby is really sad. He has been so excited about possibly moving the business there and expanding.
____________________________________
Now to a very sad phone call. This morning at the office I heard my cell phone ring in the front office and B answered it. I heard her say, "Papa, what's wrong." It was my Daddy, her Papa. I rounded the doorway and saw tears welling up in B's eyes. I was terrified. It was bad but not as bad as I thought. She handed me the phone and whispered that it was Peaches, his cat. Daddy's little devil cat Peaches.
I took the phone and Daddy was crying. He just had to have her put to sleep and it was crushing him. I knew she had not been well but had no idea it was quite that bad. He was sobbing and said it was like losing Momma all over again. You see Peaches was Momma's cat, but Peaches and Daddy had bonded since Momma died and it was sort of like losing Momma again for him. Poor guy. On top of that my Daddy has never, I repeat NEVER had to make the decision of euthanizing an animal, a pet. Momma had always made that decision. Hell, in fact I had to physically take his suffering, dying dog out of his arms to have put down because he just could not do it. I feel so bad for him because now he is truly alone in that house. That cat was his company, his friend. I'm sure he is crying tonight. This has also been a blow to me. When Daddy said it was like losing Momma all over again I was immediately taken to a real low. As I have written before I'm still dealing with the loss of my Momma and my best friend Gail, along with the death of our dog in the midst of it all, nearly 3 years later. I've been trying to make a decision to see a counselor, a therapist as I'm still sad. So this morning just took me back down again.
Monday, August 28, 2006
I had a dream
OK this is kind of weird but I had a dream Friday night (8/25/06) and this was it. Under the circumstances of my life lately this just gave me chills and I knew immediately what it meant.
I awoke with a start this morning. The sun wasn’t even a thought although there was light, so I knew it was not far from appearing. I lay in bed looking out at the tree limbs watching the shadows of birds hopping from limb to limb. What was it that awoke me with such a jolt. Oh, I remember now.
I had gone to get my hair done. I pulled into a small parking lot with my Tahoe and parked in a fairly empty lot. The guy that was to do my hair was the one I had seen on a television show about his father, grandmother, and their candy store. A blind designer was there to redesign the store. The young man I guess made a mark on my memory because he was a little over the top effeminate. The hair guy told me he couldn’t do my hair right then and that he needed the money. He said he was saving money to have his teeth fixed. He took me in the back of the salon to see how much he had saved and his savings plan.
I followed him to the back of the salon. The place was huge, almost endless in size. There were tons of people milling around and we came to a picnic table. There under the table was some kind of a mouse trap. There was a creature in the tube-like trap and the hair guy picked it up and pulled out the creature which looked a little like a puppy. He put his finger up to its mouth and it bit him. People were standing around him in a circle watching him. He took the puppy creature and started to swing it around by the head trying to break its neck. I couldn’t watch and ran out crying.
I went out through a swinging door to the front and found myself in a restaurant/bar with no apparent walls or windows, completely open to the parking lot. There were many people wandering around in huge crowds. I walked to the parking lot to find my car and leave but I couldn’t find my Tahoe. In a large part of the parking lot was a hot rod car show. I thought maybe my car was towed to make room for the hot rods. I wondered around looking for my car and started to panic. I went back inside to find someone to help. I walked up to a waitress that looked a lot like Regina (a former employee) but she was busy trying to put orders through a kitchen window. All of a sudden there was a commotion and there was a little girl that I guessed could not find her mother or was lost or something. I turned to look at her and she was surrounded by people murmuring. She was sitting in a white wicker chair that dwarfed her. The chair was like the one that I helped Daddy buy for Momma many years ago for Christmas. The little girl had shoulder length curly hair and was holding a doll in her arms. She wasn’t smiling but was looking straight at me with large brown eyes. The crowd surrounded myself and the little girl. They were whispering that her mother had expired, exact word used in the dream. That is when I woke up. My eyes instantly were open wide and I had the realization that the little girl was me and that her expired Momma was my Momma. The little girl was me. I came face to face with the little girl in me that had also lost her Momma.
I awoke with a start this morning. The sun wasn’t even a thought although there was light, so I knew it was not far from appearing. I lay in bed looking out at the tree limbs watching the shadows of birds hopping from limb to limb. What was it that awoke me with such a jolt. Oh, I remember now.
I had gone to get my hair done. I pulled into a small parking lot with my Tahoe and parked in a fairly empty lot. The guy that was to do my hair was the one I had seen on a television show about his father, grandmother, and their candy store. A blind designer was there to redesign the store. The young man I guess made a mark on my memory because he was a little over the top effeminate. The hair guy told me he couldn’t do my hair right then and that he needed the money. He said he was saving money to have his teeth fixed. He took me in the back of the salon to see how much he had saved and his savings plan.
I followed him to the back of the salon. The place was huge, almost endless in size. There were tons of people milling around and we came to a picnic table. There under the table was some kind of a mouse trap. There was a creature in the tube-like trap and the hair guy picked it up and pulled out the creature which looked a little like a puppy. He put his finger up to its mouth and it bit him. People were standing around him in a circle watching him. He took the puppy creature and started to swing it around by the head trying to break its neck. I couldn’t watch and ran out crying.
I went out through a swinging door to the front and found myself in a restaurant/bar with no apparent walls or windows, completely open to the parking lot. There were many people wandering around in huge crowds. I walked to the parking lot to find my car and leave but I couldn’t find my Tahoe. In a large part of the parking lot was a hot rod car show. I thought maybe my car was towed to make room for the hot rods. I wondered around looking for my car and started to panic. I went back inside to find someone to help. I walked up to a waitress that looked a lot like Regina (a former employee) but she was busy trying to put orders through a kitchen window. All of a sudden there was a commotion and there was a little girl that I guessed could not find her mother or was lost or something. I turned to look at her and she was surrounded by people murmuring. She was sitting in a white wicker chair that dwarfed her. The chair was like the one that I helped Daddy buy for Momma many years ago for Christmas. The little girl had shoulder length curly hair and was holding a doll in her arms. She wasn’t smiling but was looking straight at me with large brown eyes. The crowd surrounded myself and the little girl. They were whispering that her mother had expired, exact word used in the dream. That is when I woke up. My eyes instantly were open wide and I had the realization that the little girl was me and that her expired Momma was my Momma. The little girl was me. I came face to face with the little girl in me that had also lost her Momma.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The Ups and Downs
SEPTEMBER: Bought new house
DECEMBER: Start packing
Pack #2 kiddo to move to Phoenix
Start remodel of new house
Ready our house to sell
JANUARY: 3 Move #2 to Phoenix
16 Meet with funeral home to pre-plan for Momma
27 Our house for sale (lot of open houses)
23 Our 30th Anniversary
FEBRUARY: 6 Mom bad spell
12 Sold House (2 ½ weeks)
MARCH: 4 - 8 #1 kiddo and I to Phoenix to see #2 kiddo
4 GAIL passed at Barry’s 50th B’day party
8 Gail’s funeral
10 Moving Day
11 Another 50th B’day party to attend
13 Close on house
21 Mom another bad spell
APRIL: Mom- couple of bad spells, called in Hospice
MAY: 6 Momma and Daddy’s 51st Wedding Anniversary
#2 home for a weekend visit
Mom - lots of bad spells, falling down 3 times
JUNE: 1 Moved Mom into nursing home
2 Leave for St. Louis to celebrate my 50th Birthday
Numerous phone calls from nursing home and hospice
10 Someone else’s 50th Birthday Party
11 "2" Someone else’s 50th Birthday parties
12 Momma fell in the nursing home and broke her hip - up all night on phone
14 Mom’s hip replacement surgery
17 Over Beloved puppy dog of 12 years passed away
18 Father’s Day for my sad Daddy
22 Mom moved to LTAC (Long Term Acute Care facility
29 Officially checked Momma out of 1st nursing home ....for now
JULY: 6 Hospital called about putting in a feeding tube
7 Wait for call from Bro that he and Daddy went to hospital and had meeting with Mr. Xing to see why. Tried eating stimulant and she ate just fine Doc was confused by our not wanting to do it but Mom didn’t want it.
11 (Tuesday 4:30 pm) Hospital called me to say they wanted Momma moved to Skilled Care nursing home possibly by Thursday (July 13)?????!!!
12 Started the phone calls to put in motion the move.
WORK - Got call from the State about employee and child support??? EGADS
13 Started doing the paperwork to put in motion the move to Nursing Home and had it ready for the move on Friday...the hospital decided to wait till Monday???
WORK - Insurance auditor "dropped" in unannounced.
15 Would have been Gail’s 50th Birthday - Had her hubby for dinner
17 Moved Momma to Nursing Home - Skilled Care
18 Daddy had a screaming fit at a poor pregnant rehab nurse
DECEMBER: Start packing
Pack #2 kiddo to move to Phoenix
Start remodel of new house
Ready our house to sell
JANUARY: 3 Move #2 to Phoenix
16 Meet with funeral home to pre-plan for Momma
27 Our house for sale (lot of open houses)
23 Our 30th Anniversary
FEBRUARY: 6 Mom bad spell
12 Sold House (2 ½ weeks)
MARCH: 4 - 8 #1 kiddo and I to Phoenix to see #2 kiddo
4 GAIL passed at Barry’s 50th B’day party
8 Gail’s funeral
10 Moving Day
11 Another 50th B’day party to attend
13 Close on house
21 Mom another bad spell
APRIL: Mom- couple of bad spells, called in Hospice
MAY: 6 Momma and Daddy’s 51st Wedding Anniversary
#2 home for a weekend visit
Mom - lots of bad spells, falling down 3 times
JUNE: 1 Moved Mom into nursing home
2 Leave for St. Louis to celebrate my 50th Birthday
Numerous phone calls from nursing home and hospice
10 Someone else’s 50th Birthday Party
11 "2" Someone else’s 50th Birthday parties
12 Momma fell in the nursing home and broke her hip - up all night on phone
14 Mom’s hip replacement surgery
17 Over Beloved puppy dog of 12 years passed away
18 Father’s Day for my sad Daddy
22 Mom moved to LTAC (Long Term Acute Care facility
29 Officially checked Momma out of 1st nursing home ....for now
JULY: 6 Hospital called about putting in a feeding tube
7 Wait for call from Bro that he and Daddy went to hospital and had meeting with Mr. Xing to see why. Tried eating stimulant and she ate just fine Doc was confused by our not wanting to do it but Mom didn’t want it.
11 (Tuesday 4:30 pm) Hospital called me to say they wanted Momma moved to Skilled Care nursing home possibly by Thursday (July 13)?????!!!
12 Started the phone calls to put in motion the move.
WORK - Got call from the State about employee and child support??? EGADS
13 Started doing the paperwork to put in motion the move to Nursing Home and had it ready for the move on Friday...the hospital decided to wait till Monday???
WORK - Insurance auditor "dropped" in unannounced.
15 Would have been Gail’s 50th Birthday - Had her hubby for dinner
17 Moved Momma to Nursing Home - Skilled Care
18 Daddy had a screaming fit at a poor pregnant rehab nurse
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Bored at my desk
Well, here I sit at my desk with absolutely nothing to do....well, that is a big fat lie. I could file, I could post Accounts Receivable, I could clean out my files from last year, I could do a lot of stuff but I just don't want to be here. I'm so tired of this windowless office with no TV or no people to see. I need a change.
I'm depressed too. Momma is so sick and it is close to the end right now. There is so much to handle and Daddy is letting B and D and I take care of all of it. Make all the decisions and he goes with what we say and do. It sucks to see your parents go downhill so fast and at a young age. It makes me very aware of my health and what I put into my body and to make sure there is insurance to pay for it. It also makes me very aware to have all my legal documents in order so that my girls can handle all the decisions.
Visiting Momma is so very hard. Yesterday when I went to see her in the hospital she had an "accident" and just looked at me while the nurses cleaned her up. How humliating it must be to have that happen. Later that evening Daddy called and asked if I had been there that day. I said yes of course for 1-1/2 hours. She didn't remember me being there. That just about crushed me. Now she's having that kind of problem. Oh my goodness my heart aches for the loss of a good woman, my momma and best friend. A strong woman who showed my how to crochet, cook, plant a garden, can vegetables and make jelly. A woman who taught me that you plant marigolds and dill with your tomatoes so the tomato worms don't eat them. A woman who taught me the love of reading. A woman who gave me the love of beautiful music which I passed on to my girls.
How sad it is to ready myself to lose that most wonderful part of my life. I don't know what I will do when she is finally through with the suffering. It is all I can think of right now. This spring has been so full of loses in my life. My oldest and dearest friend passed away very suddenly and I thought my heart would absolutely crumble from grief. How could that happen to a woman so young, a woman MY AGE. Life is so incredibly short. We also lost our little doggie of 12 years and now she lies under a bed of flowers wrapped in my old beat up pink robe she loved so much, resting finally at peace.
I'm tired of crying, tried of having my jaw ache from trying not to cry. I'm tired of having my every waking moment thinking about those gone and those going. I'm way too young to have this hanging on my shoulders. I know it will get better in time but I wish it was tomorrow. I'm getting creases in my face from frowning....that is not good.........
I'm depressed too. Momma is so sick and it is close to the end right now. There is so much to handle and Daddy is letting B and D and I take care of all of it. Make all the decisions and he goes with what we say and do. It sucks to see your parents go downhill so fast and at a young age. It makes me very aware of my health and what I put into my body and to make sure there is insurance to pay for it. It also makes me very aware to have all my legal documents in order so that my girls can handle all the decisions.
Visiting Momma is so very hard. Yesterday when I went to see her in the hospital she had an "accident" and just looked at me while the nurses cleaned her up. How humliating it must be to have that happen. Later that evening Daddy called and asked if I had been there that day. I said yes of course for 1-1/2 hours. She didn't remember me being there. That just about crushed me. Now she's having that kind of problem. Oh my goodness my heart aches for the loss of a good woman, my momma and best friend. A strong woman who showed my how to crochet, cook, plant a garden, can vegetables and make jelly. A woman who taught me that you plant marigolds and dill with your tomatoes so the tomato worms don't eat them. A woman who taught me the love of reading. A woman who gave me the love of beautiful music which I passed on to my girls.
How sad it is to ready myself to lose that most wonderful part of my life. I don't know what I will do when she is finally through with the suffering. It is all I can think of right now. This spring has been so full of loses in my life. My oldest and dearest friend passed away very suddenly and I thought my heart would absolutely crumble from grief. How could that happen to a woman so young, a woman MY AGE. Life is so incredibly short. We also lost our little doggie of 12 years and now she lies under a bed of flowers wrapped in my old beat up pink robe she loved so much, resting finally at peace.
I'm tired of crying, tried of having my jaw ache from trying not to cry. I'm tired of having my every waking moment thinking about those gone and those going. I'm way too young to have this hanging on my shoulders. I know it will get better in time but I wish it was tomorrow. I'm getting creases in my face from frowning....that is not good.........
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