I've Lost My Happy

I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen.  Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now.  I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints.  I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY!  I don't feel pretty anymore.  I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body.  I want to feel good again.  I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that.  I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing. 

Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy.  She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that.  I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic.  Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.  

I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together!  I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year.  When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help.  Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation.  Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!  

I'm depressed because my body is broken.  I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting.  I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them.  I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point.  I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring.  I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.  

My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that.  Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT!  I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun.  I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.  

Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook.  But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point.  I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing.  Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group.  So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation.  I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need.  It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food.  Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem.  To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.  

Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty.  Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!  

Food is an addiction, you can't do without.  I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way.  I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time.  Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.  

Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life.  I need a change of venue so to speak.  There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.  

I'm just need to try and find my happy again

because

I'm

not

happy!

I Don't Want To Be INSIDE!

Thursday I tried, oh how I tried to scoot off to the cabin, but alas, it was not going to happen.  By the end of the day I was pooped and didn't want to drive an hour.  Should have, but didn't.  That's really okay because I did fly off there early Friday morning.  It was so, SO very quiet once I arrived with Clayton as my wing-man in his crate.  My friend Peggy and her hubby Tom invited me to eat tacos with them and I very quickly said YES.  The Hubby wasn't coming until Saturday but that was not going to stop me.  I know tacos were not on the diet but there were no beans and a smidgen of cheese.  The kicker was that Tom bestowed upon me a ice cream drumstick because he knows how I LOVE those things.  I couldn't say no could I.  I happily ate it.  Saturday night (last night) we went to another cabin Lesa and John's for ribs (Tom cooked), potato salad (I made by the request of Tom - he LOVES my potato salad), baked beans and a nice gin and tonic.  It was a very nice evening with friends.  

The cabin experience has been so much more calm and quiet since the upheaval that happened this spring.  I won't go into it but IT WAS NOT A GOOD THING!!!  Now life is back to normal and I am back in my happy spot, my screened porch.  

This weekend I felt the need to sketch.  I grabbed my bag of sketching stuff from the studio and Saturday I sketched all day long.  It was quite fun and wonderful practice.  

Friday evening I took a golf cart ride to check out the water levels and they area still up, up, up but are definitely down.  We probably won't be able to get to the actual creekbank until August or September.  Sure ruins a kids summer of swimming in the creek with all the flooding.  The geese love it though. 

Oooo, found these lovely black-eye Susan's and hope to have another painting soon. 

Don't you love this gate!!!  I love the turquoise blue of it and want to incorporate it somehow into a painting. 

Then it was back to my happy place, in my chair, lounged back watching the bird feeders and the multitude of sweet birdies flocking in for dinner.  Gosh I love this screened porch.   

Sadly time for the bird watching, life contemplating, and general laziness comes to an end on Sunday mornings as I have to head back to reality.  As I climbed in my car and started up the road, the dappled light filters through the trees onto the road and I feel like I'm in a dream, a dazed dream of joy.  

The beauty our little heaven on earth has to offer is something I could never give up, ever.   

When we get there it's like I'm home, truly home.   

But sadly we do have to come back to life and the reality that we still have to work.  Someday we can stay past Monday, Tuesday...

As I got closer and closer to home I snapped a few shots from the car window.  I wasn't sure how they would turn out because I just snapped without looking!  A little cropping and they turned out beautiful.  In fact, may have to paint one or two of them.

I'm actually writing this on our porch at home because I don't want to go inside  I love being outside when the it's warm, I don't care how warm.  I go outside to soak up the fresh air and rejuvenate myself. 

Blogging Anniversary

Exactly 10 years ago today I started posting here on Jill of All Trades.  I cannot believe it has been 10 years.  When I started spilling myself out here it was because of the depression and sadness of loss, the loss of my best friend Gail, then the loss of my other dearest best friend, Momma.  I still cry sometimes and feel it in my heart like a dagger but I am finally mended.  So much has changed in these 10 years.  I have found my new happy in creating my art and little Snicklefritz has entered our lives, our little ray of sunshine.  Life is so wonderful now...

I have to backtrack just a hair, life is a bit precarious right now with work and that is making things a bit tense but all in all my life is good and happy.  

A Saturday Ramble

Wow, it's Saturday morning, 5:56 a.m. and I am AWAKE!  I could have slept in but NOOOOoooo, my mind just would not let me.  Of course Clayton is awake at five to eat. so up I am then the mind just goes and goes and goes.  Oh well I thought, I might as well just get up and get a head start on some painting this morning.  Besides, The Hubby said last night that if I got up early enough we could go out for breakfast.  I LOVE to eat breakfast out, one of my favorite things to do.  I think the rain is stopping today, finally.  I really need to check my garden but the ground is just to squishy to even step out in the yard.  I did have some baby cucumbers and tomatoes but they may be gone at this point.  This next week they are saying SUNSHINE!  I'm stoked for sure.  

Thursday will be the beginning of the last year to live in my 50's...I will turn 59 years old.  Every year since I turned 50 when my birthday rolls around I immediately think, "It's been 9 years since Gail died.  It's been 9 years since our sweet dog died.  It's been 9 years since Momma died." I can't seem to get past the devastation the year I turned 50.  I'm not as sad anymore, thank goodness.  It seems to just be a momentary thought.  I have surely moved on to celebrate better things like my painting, which I get great joy out of.  I also have Rio to make my days brighter.  She is the sunshine in my life.  I have moved on to much better thoughts and happier times but there is still that brief flash of a thought each year.  

On the subject of painting, I have completed several commission works this week and am quite proud of them.  

Catch of the Day (commission) SOLD

Sophie (SOLD)

Contemplation

Lucy (work in progress)

Oh, and we went shopping!  The Hubby has one aunt left, Aunt Bette.  She is 83 years old and the lone sibling left of his father (there were 3).  She is a darling lady and a few weeks ago had a horrible stroke but seems to be doing very well.  Anyway, she told this story to The Hubby several years ago about his dad and he wanted to do something special for her because of the story.  It goes like this:  She was much younger than his dad and one day she told her parents there were these really snazzy cowboy boots she wanted.  The were all the rage in the day with cute dresses.  Her parents said absolutely not, they were not appropriate for young girls.  When her brother, The Hubby's father, heard the story he bought her a cute pair of boots and sent them to her anyway, said she should have them.  They were too small but she never told him and wore them blisters and all because of the love that went with the gift.  The Hubby wanted to find her a snazzy pair of cowboy boots so we went shopping.  I have been wanting to go for sometime to find myself another pair and since my birthday was this week....well, I got a pair too.  And since Aunt Bette and I wear the same size I got to try on lots of boots!  I loved these kind of gray, brown and black pair!  We found a cut pair for Aunt Bette with turquoise on them and they are in the mail as of yesterday!  Can't wait for her to open the package! 

Rainy Days and Saturday's

Yes, this morning it is raining.  A soft Saturday rain this AM and I'm loving it.  Sadly it's not at the cabin but that is okay, I'm okay with that.  It has been a very, VERY busy couple of weeks, as is the norm lately.  Sleep has been a bit lacking but this morning I slept in to 9!  That was GREAT!

 I did take time out on Sunday to go by and see Daddy, pay some of his bills and get some quality lap time with his new baby.  Her name is Susie!  What a little beauty and he is just thrilled to have her in his world.  He took her from living under his house the day before his surgery to his vet and we had her spayed, shots and they kept her for a couple of weeks.  It was good to give her the calm INSIDE life before we brought her home.  She will forever be safe and sound in his house now.  The vet said she is only about 6 months old and unfortunately when he got in there to spay her she was, in his words, "EXTREMELY pregnant." So sad but it might have killed her to even have the kittens because she was so young and thin.  She is the sweetest little thing and Daddy is happy he has company.  

This week has been doctor appointments for Daddy which Bro has taken one and I took one.  Both, Dr. Hippy and Dr. Heart were fabulous.  They were very pleased with his progress.  YEAH!  He's even back to driving again.  Amazing man really.  

I've also been doing my fair share of watching little Snicklefritz while B&B2 get their NEW house ready to move into.  They've been painting fools and carpet pulling up nuts.  There is still a lot of painting to do, mainly the walls now.  The dang place was full of painted trim and that is what has taken so long.  The walls will be a snap to get finished.  They have this week left to finish as they close on their old house and MOVE next weekend.  This morning new carpet is being laid in the bedrooms and during the week the new bamboo floors will be laid in the living room, front room and hall.  The peel and stick tile will be laid in the workroom/laundry room too.  While all this is taking place we have all been working during the day, me babysitting, and then working at night, me babysitting.  We all look forward to just sitting and saying, "WHEW!" 

Side note on the niece that has so many troubles.  She posted on Facebook that she was going to rehab for 40-60 days in Michigan.  I was skeptical but texted Sis and she said it was true that the niece set it all up herself and one of the last post on FB was she was getting on the plane.  Wow.  So glad and I hope it works.  This kid.  I pray it works for everyone's sake.  

Lastly, I've been working on the 30 Day paint challenge and today is day six.  It has been a challenge (duh) but I've enjoyed it and hope I can continue.  I have even sold one of them, the "Wishing Well." Wow, did not expect that but I will take it.  It is great practice for me.  

_____________________________________

Day 5 

"A Longing and Winding Road"

11x14 oil on gesso board

$ 100

38 years

38 years ago today I married my best friend.  Simple as that!  I can NOT believe I have been married 38 years.  I've said it before, "time flies when you're having fun," and this could never be more true than with my man.  A chance blind date and we have been together ever since, and that was 39 years ago in March.  It's been such fun and my life could not be better.  I have a fab man that loves me and I love right back.  I have two beautiful daughters and granddaughter.  They both have given me "son's" (son's-in-law) that I would never have had.  My life has been so full of love from my family and The Hubby's too.  

Happy Anniversary Robert.  

I love you to here and beyond!