Nostalgia - Melancholia...

Nostalgia, melancholia...

What is it about Christmas time (and probably the stupid dreary weather for me) that brings out the sadness, the loss, the loneliness.  Gosh has it been two years since we lost Daddy and sold the house. 

Daddy is gone, Momma is gone..the middle two siblings are now gone...

Daddy, Grandpa, Uncle Wayne and his son, cousin Matthew...

Daddy and his best friend, Jay...

My Great-Granddaddy and GreatGranny (she was my favorite)...the memories of their place in Jay I miss too.  It was the place, when I would get so mad at my parents, I wanted to run away to, a safe haven.

Grandpa and Grandma...

Granny and Granddaddy...oh how I wish they all could see us now, see how all our lives have evolved.  I think they would be so proud of Bro, Sis and myself.

I miss my dear friend Gail, oh how I miss her.  She was someone I could really talk to, tell EVERYTHING that was on my mind.  Anyone else I find that I hold back, with her that was absolutely not necessary.  I miss my confidant.  I have loads of friends and the past few years my bestie from high school has reappeared in my life, another I can confide in (thank goodness.)

I miss this sweet face.  No, I'm not ready for another dog, I'll go to our girls to get a dog or cat fix if needed, but I sure miss him.

 

Just feeling, well, just feeling today.  I think it's the holding pattern we are all in awaiting the arrival of sweet baby Maximilian to arrive in this world and all that is to happen.  I know I'm not the only one in this family.  It is a lot of the unknown, yet it will be the familiar to have a sweet baby yet again in the family.  

Melancholia

Good morning.  It's a beautiful morning with the sun blasting through the windows.  Thanksgiving is over and the rush that is Christmas is on.  The past several years I try to get the decorations up the weekend after Turkey day and yesterday the girls, all of them helped to make it happen.  I so appreciate and LOVE my girls, all of my girls.  I am truly blessed.

I just can't physically drag all the boxes and manhandle the tree anymore, at least this year.  Hopefully next year, with a new hip I will be a new woman and able to accomplish.  Not last year and probably not the year before but I have tried to have my sweet MIL, Gloria and bro-in-law and his hubby over for dinner and to help too with this task.  I tried to make it a tradition.  It's sad that this year Gloria is not here to enjoy the season she loved so much.  I could almost hear her humming Christmas carols while choosing the right branch to hang an ornament.  

I fixed spaghetti for all (vegan versions too) and we all ate before the real decorating began.  I have a fully little flashing light necklace that little Min found and ran into the kitchen with it twinkling around her neck saying, "look Granny."  Oh the sparkle in her eye.  She had such a fun time and Snicklefritz is such a huge helper.  She spent the night after everyone went home and we watched the last of Santa Clause 3 before bedtime with a promise of cocoa in the morning with her chocolate chip waffles.  

I just feel so bad that I can't really participate as much as I used to in the decorating but I sat on the walker and hung ornaments to the best of my ability last night.  At one point Af found the stockings and there was the felt one that Momma made me so very many years ago.  She held it up and, "do you want to hang it, I think you should."  OMG, I just choked.  This sadness just fell over me out of nowhere and I started to cry.  I just shook my head no.  I couldn't see it this year.  I seem to really be missing my momma lately, a lot and not sure why.  Could be that with losing my "other" momma that is driving this melancholia.  Plus knowing I may have a surgery coming, hoping I do at least.  I'm also quite aware of the things I just can't do right now.  I want to bake fruitcake, host a Christmas party, shop, wrap presents, DECORATE!  It's just a lot around the holidays I think.  Maybe if I didn't hurt most of the time when I move.  I know it will pass, I just move forward everyday and time does heal.  

What I look forward to is see the babies, their eyes, their love, their joy and awe of the season.  That drives me for sure.  I do love the season and it will be okay.  

Melancholia

Melancholy...that is what I am feeling lately.  I'm not sure if it is spring fever or just flat out depression.  I just spent 30 minutes re-reading my blog posts from the beginning, 2006, after the death of my best friend and just before the death of my mother.  I feel in a rut in a way and I should be happy.  I'm having great fun babysitting with dear Rio and am excitedly awaiting the visit from the youngest daughter and her boyfriend next week.  Yet, I can't seem to read or paint or have a smile on my face.  What is up with that.  I'm just kind of blah!  I'm going to blame it on old man winter and they cold.  Yet today and the past couple of days have been nice and SUNNY!  I'm so ready for spring and summer and I'm ready to NOT WORK!  In fact, I'm playing hooky this morning when I know I should be at the office.  Here I sit at home typing away putting off the shower and packing up of art supplies for class today.  Even that doesn't make me happy.  I don't have anything inspiring me to paint and that is a real bummer.  I've got to get in my happy place.  I don't even want to get my camera out and take pictures so that I have something to paint.  I NEED FLOWERS!  I NEED SUN AND WARMTH!  Come on spring and summer.  I'm ready for a garden!