I've Lost My Happy

I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen.  Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now.  I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints.  I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY!  I don't feel pretty anymore.  I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body.  I want to feel good again.  I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that.  I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing. 

Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy.  She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that.  I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic.  Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.  

I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together!  I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year.  When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help.  Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation.  Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!  

I'm depressed because my body is broken.  I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting.  I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them.  I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point.  I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring.  I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.  

My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that.  Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT!  I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun.  I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.  

Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook.  But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point.  I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing.  Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group.  So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation.  I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need.  It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food.  Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem.  To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.  

Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty.  Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!  

Food is an addiction, you can't do without.  I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way.  I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time.  Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.  

Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life.  I need a change of venue so to speak.  There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.  

I'm just need to try and find my happy again

because

I'm

not

happy!

Diet/Food/Fat HELL!

I've been thinking about this diet/food/fat thing a lot lately.  Well, really, it's ALWAYS on my mind and always has been.  The idea that I am basically obese is a thought that has been on the forefront of my thought process for years and frankly, I'm tired of it.  I can't seem to get started again on the exercise program and I do eat fairly well, but this idea has popped into my head and I have to share.  

You don't put a drug addict in charge of a pharmacy do you!

You don't put an alcoholic in charge of a liquor store do you!

THEN WHY IN THE HELL am I, a food addict, in charge of going to the grocery store, planning meals, cooking food, making my own choices!!!!!  WHY, WHY, WHY!  

I know you have to finally heal yourself from your addiction by staying away from the thing that makes you an addict then you can hopefully be around it in "social" situations, but with food.  Man, it is all around us, constantly bombarding our every sense.  Television commercials, billboards, fast food places on every single corner and street, it's everywhere.  

When I grocery shop I'm pretty good now, talking myself out of candy bars, cookies, chips, dips, just crap.  I actually talk to myself in the store.  I usually have a grocery list ready for the exact thing I need and I try NOT to go when I am hungry.  It's best when I have already eaten.  99% of the time I can get through the whole gauntlet of end caps and register temptations without buying that thing I should NOT have.  

The last time I was in my doctor's office he said it might be time to consider taking a pill like Belviq, which curbs appetite, and most of the prescription ones that is what they do.  I DON'T have a problem with that I have a problem with being a sedentary person most of the time.  Maybe I need to go to a hypnotist to put the suggestion to WANT to walk or exercise or get up off my ASS!  I need to find a group thing again that fits my needs.  Jazzercise for nearly 15 years, in a group setting was wonderful but my knee can't do that anymore.

I also do not want to take pills that could possibly have side effects. Years ago I did the Phen-Phen thing and luckily I did not get the heart damage that others did.

I've talked about this before, but when I was 11 I broke my leg very severely and it was at a time when kids are very active.  There was track, softball, baseball, basketball, riding bikes, etc.  I walked, yes I walked because that was the only way to get to school or my friends house that was halfway across town.  I hate to walk!  I used to ride bicycles when a kid, but now I'm afraid of falling off of the damn thing.  Hey, maybe I need an adult tricycle kind with three wheels.  Would love that but I also have to have the URGE to do it!  

The one thing I did love was swimming.  We had a pool two houses ago and man I loved swimming.  I was in that pool every single day in the summer.  It's wasn't big or deep but it was round and I could swim around it.  As kids we swam at the public pool or at the Boy Scout Ranch pool that was open to the public.  I had my Senior Life Saving patch and was an extremely strong swimmer.  That is probably what helped me when my brother and sister were involved in other sports.  I would love, LOVE to have another swimming pool but The Hubby says he would NEVER EVER have another pool again.  He hated cleaning it out and it was a vinyl liner pool that was a pain in the butt.  We have the perfect yard for a lap pool, if we took the huge oak tree out?!?  The next best thing is that I decided, just now, to check out the YWCA that I drive by every single day.  Our friends Beverly and Kelly do water aquacise there and that MIGHT be my option.  I have checked out the schedule and will look into that.  It also means I have GOT to get a new bathing suit.  EGAD!  The only problem with the schedule is that I watch Rio at that time.  Rats...

Hitting a few road blocks...