Thursday, June 29, 2006

A Day in My Life

Today was going to be a busy day and it was, sort of. I rushed through my workout and then home for a shower and to put on my face. I was on my way to the hospital to visit Momma when my Sis called to change my plans a little. The visit with dear Momma would be later in the day. Sis wanted to go ahead and go to the nursing home to officially check Mom out and get her things and fight over a $1200 drug bill. Mom only stayed in the nursing home 12 days before her fall and the med's she had were what we brought for her. It was ridiculous to think she had used $100 a day in drugs.

I arrived at Dad's and visited with him for a bit before we left for the nursing home. Actually, Sis was hungry for breakfast so we made a pit stop at IHOP for omelets. It was nice to relax with her. We gathered up our courage and made our way to the home. First thing, we went to the office and I let Sis have at it over the bill. She was really fairly reasonable with the home which I was glad. Sis can lose it and believe me you don't want to get on Sis's bad side, trust me. Mom's room was still the same. It was kind of eerie, like she was already gone. We packed up her gowns, her pillow, her wheelchair and bedside comode, and her depends. Never in my life would I have imagined her like this. Just very strange. After loading her things in Sis's car we again went to Dad's and unloaded.

We sat there waiting for Daddy but apparently he went up to the hospital to visit Momma. I decided it was time for me to make that visit too. The drive up there was a depressing drive. I took a deep breath and walked the long walk to her room on the 5th floor. When I got there I forgot she had a new roommate. The roommate talked to herself. Yuck. Mom looked up at me as I rounded the curtain with her big brown eyes. Her eyes are what bother me the most. The are scared, childish, and they stare at me. You talk to her or ask her questions and sometimes she just stares at me without acknowledgement. It is awful. Today she had tried to eat lunch but it wasn't much, a little toast and cottage cheese. She was having trouble breathing. Her breath was rattlely she had a panic look in her eyes. After she tried to call a nurse without success I went to the desk to find one. Actually, I had to get out of the room. It was really scaring me. She received a breathing treatment and seemed better. I was only there for 30 minutes or so but that was about all I could take, I had to get out. I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her. She responded back, "I love you too Baby." I told her I would be back soon and she said, "Tonight?" I told her I didn't know for sure but would try knowing full well I just couldn't get back. I left the hospital trying not to cry and made it to my hot car to sit and try to get my composure back. I called my best friend who is close by and drove to her house. She was outside when I got there and had her arms open wide for me to cry on her shoulder.

After a good cry (thought I was through) I had to run to the office for a bit. Hubby was there and when he asked me how Momma was I broke down again. I don't know how I am going to get through this stuff. I am looking forward to the weekend to go to the lake and just veg out and forget for a little while.

Well, that is my day and it is not a typical day usually, but right now it is.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Bored at my desk

Well, here I sit at my desk with absolutely nothing to do....well, that is a big fat lie. I could file, I could post Accounts Receivable, I could clean out my files from last year, I could do a lot of stuff but I just don't want to be here. I'm so tired of this windowless office with no TV or no people to see. I need a change.

I'm depressed too. Momma is so sick and it is close to the end right now. There is so much to handle and Daddy is letting B and D and I take care of all of it. Make all the decisions and he goes with what we say and do. It sucks to see your parents go downhill so fast and at a young age. It makes me very aware of my health and what I put into my body and to make sure there is insurance to pay for it. It also makes me very aware to have all my legal documents in order so that my girls can handle all the decisions.

Visiting Momma is so very hard. Yesterday when I went to see her in the hospital she had an "accident" and just looked at me while the nurses cleaned her up. How humliating it must be to have that happen. Later that evening Daddy called and asked if I had been there that day. I said yes of course for 1-1/2 hours. She didn't remember me being there. That just about crushed me. Now she's having that kind of problem. Oh my goodness my heart aches for the loss of a good woman, my momma and best friend. A strong woman who showed my how to crochet, cook, plant a garden, can vegetables and make jelly. A woman who taught me that you plant marigolds and dill with your tomatoes so the tomato worms don't eat them. A woman who taught me the love of reading. A woman who gave me the love of beautiful music which I passed on to my girls.

How sad it is to ready myself to lose that most wonderful part of my life. I don't know what I will do when she is finally through with the suffering. It is all I can think of right now. This spring has been so full of loses in my life. My oldest and dearest friend passed away very suddenly and I thought my heart would absolutely crumble from grief. How could that happen to a woman so young, a woman MY AGE. Life is so incredibly short. We also lost our little doggie of 12 years and now she lies under a bed of flowers wrapped in my old beat up pink robe she loved so much, resting finally at peace.

I'm tired of crying, tried of having my jaw ache from trying not to cry. I'm tired of having my every waking moment thinking about those gone and those going. I'm way too young to have this hanging on my shoulders. I know it will get better in time but I wish it was tomorrow. I'm getting creases in my face from frowning....that is not good.........