Saturday, April 10, 2021

Another Weight Loss Story: yada, yada, yada...

Good Saturday morning.  Last night the sirens roared but the storms weren't really close enough to us for that, in my opinion.  The threat was south of us but the entire region was put on alert, I understand that.  It was nice to open the window after the rain had stopped blowing in and feel the fresh air and smell the rain for a wonderful nights sleep.  It has been a stressful week with The Hubby spending his days at the hospital with his mother.  She is still there doing some occupational and physical therapy.  They cannot get her blood pressure under control and that is very concerning.  She has a feeding tube in her nose but I think they will be taking that out and putting one in directly to her stomach because she can't swallow yet.  She is communicating which is very encouraging but it is still a very long rocky road that won't get much better.  The boys, her boys, met with the hospital staff on Thursday evening about what is happening and today they go to meet with Montereau, the place where she lives in independent living.  The independent living will be no more so they have to look into assisted living or the nursing home part which is so very sad.  I just hate that for her.  The boys are just exhausted physically and mentally, I've totally been there with Daddy and Momma.  All we can do for them is support, talk, feed them, hug them.

On another note, the dieting thing.  I've been doing the Jorge Cruise 100 thing and so far 9 pounds down since Tuesday.  I already feel so much better and it's been pretty easy.  I have the same thing to eat everyday and that has made my life easy, not to constantly be thinking of food, buying food, planning meals...  I needed it to be very strict to get started.  This next week the evening meals will be changed up so I can include The Hubby in the food but he's just fine with that.  He said he would eat anything I put in front of him.  I can do this!!!

Thursday, April 08, 2021

And The Hits Keep Coming

A little background...
This is my sweet cousin HP.  I never knew my cousin as a child except for a photo on Greatgranny's wall.  
We were just never at Greatgranny's at the same time.  So skip ahead several years in our lives and her uncle, my cousin (he's another story) was in the hospital dying and I went to visit.  I walked in the visitor's area and in walked a woman I really didn't know but recognized from the depths of my memories, my cousin HP.  WOW!  We visited and chatted and parted.  Then not too soon after that I was at my very early Jazzercise class sitting on the couch waiting for class to start when in walked my cousin HP!!!  OMG!  Truly a small world.  I never knew my cousin as a child but as an adult we became very close friends and FAMILY!  HP is one of the kindest, generous and most caring people I have ever met in my life.  

Skip ahead to last night.  She called me about 8:30 last night to check up on my mother-in-law.  (HP is a lawyer and has helped with my MIL's estate/financial stuff.)  She then proceeded to inform me that she has bladder cancer, squamous cell carcinoma.  CRAP...DAMN...DAMMIT!!!  She is to have surgery in a few days to remove her bladder and possible chemo.  It doesn't look good.  I am absolutely devastated by this.  I told The Hubby last night I so tired of bad news.

Wednesday, April 07, 2021


This lady, oh my dear sweet mother-in-law, she has been through it and her life as she knew it will never go back at this point.  She has no function on her left side although The Hubby said her left leg was moving a bit and that might be encouraging.  She hasn't opened her eyes but is responsive and tries to answer questions.  Yesterday they put in a feeding tube and the tech told The Hubby he hated to do that to a 93 year old but she is so much with us.  He told The Hubby to punch him after he was done and that is exactly what he did...of course not hard but it took a bit humor to deal with all that is going on.  The three boys, her boys are splitting their time staying with her.  They don't want her to be alone and I think that is very admirable and loving.  She has always been their rock growing up, there for them through thick and thin and it is appropriate that they are there for her during this time.
This photo was taken last year or so I believe.  This is how I want to remember her as a strong vibrant special woman.  It's hard to believe she was having such a good time with the family she loves so fiercely and the next she was down.  Kept me awake most of the night last night.  Not sure why it's bothering me so but it's probably because we lost Daddy not so very long ago.  

Another update on me and this blasted hip.  I went to yet another hip doctor on Monday and he pretty much told me the same thing, I'm FAT, but, he was much nicer than the last guy.  He said that I needed to lose 20 pounds in the next 2 months and then we will be able to proceed.  The other guy just walked out of the room with no hope at all.  So Monday afternoon I found this diet book that The Hubby and I did a few years ago with success called The 100 by Jorge Cruise.  It counts sugar calories not food calories.  I had forgotten a lot of it but decided to do the menu plan that is pretty restrictive at first to kick the fat body in gear.  I ordered stuff from Fresh Market right then and it was delivered in 2 hours ready to start up yesterday.  The Hubby is on board to eat ANYTHING I put in front of him, will do anything to help me.  I am grateful for this from him.  I know I'm in trouble health wise and it is so needed, not just for my hip.  I even have been getting on my stationary bike and leaning back like a recumbent bike and that seems to work.  I will, I MUST do this in order to get my life back.  I think this at the crisis point in my life and I need to wake up and deal with it and not keep my head in the sand.


Monday, April 05, 2021

In A Split Second...

Yesterday The Hubby's side of the family gathered at out house for Easter lunch.  The day was just a beautiful day.  The weather was perfect and our yard a spectacle of spring color.  Our little Min-Min even called my mother-in-law Mimi.  We finished our meal and were all sitting out on the porch when our youngest noticed that Gloria was acting odd, trying to pick up her napkin and having no success.  Af told the bro-in-law who was sitting next to Gloria to check on her.  We all quickly knew absolutely that she was having a stroke, a massive stroke.  The Hubby called 911 and I guess the ambulance was close because they were there in less than a minute and had her loaded and whisked off to the hospital in less than 5 minutes.  OMG, everyone was so scared for her.  Poor little Snicklefritz was terrified but we did a lot of hugging and talking to help her.  It was truly a scary site, especially for the children, my granddaughters and the nephews.  
She had surgery last night to grab the blockage out of her brain because even though it was still the golden hour since the incident she was on a blood thinner, Zarelto, and it doesn't play nice with the blood clot busting medicine.  In fact her blood was so thin that IV's would not stay in.  That's kind of scary.  

We know that her life will not be back to any kind of normal ever again.  She will go to rehab and they boys will have to look into moving her from her apartment to the assisted living part of where she lives, that is a guarantee.  

Please send prayers for her.


Thursday, April 01, 2021

The Durrells in Corfu

The past few weeks I've been watching a series on Amazon Video called The Durrells in Corfu.  There are four seasons and I absolutely inhaled each and every episode.  One of the most beautifully filmed series I have ever watched and I have to tell you I'm toying with watching it over again.  It was on PBS a few years ago, 2016-19.  The fabulous scenery and the characters were such fun to watch.  Something to take your mind off of life and transport you to another world and time.
I have been so taken with the family stories that I can't stop thinking about it.  It was based loosely on the books by the youngest, Gerry (Gerald) Durrell, as the family moved from England to Corfu in the 1930's.
I've actually purchased the above book and in paperback it's 757 pages.  I plan on reading it this summer and savoring every page.  The second book by Michael Haag is a more accurate accounting of the family and where they came from and where they ended up, more historically correct.  I've already started this one. 
If you truly want to escape and enjoy some beauty check out the series. 

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

What Makes Me Happy

Good Tuesday Morning.  Ah, spring has sprung in Oklahoma.  The trees are budding, daffodils are blooming, and the sun is boldly shining.  I am truly happy about that.

So with that said, I am painting happy...

Next week I go to another surgeon and we will see where this road takes me.  I'm ready.  I'm just too tired of hurting and not being able to move like I want to anymore.  My journey down this road is just beginning but it will be worth it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

A Couple of Things

This little guy. The weekend we realized that he was doing his weird licking thing and had a bad smell coming from his mouth again.  When he yawned on Sunday I saw that under his tongue was the tumor, back again for round two.  It wasn't as large as the last one that hung out of his mouth but it was definitely back.  Monday morning I called Dr. P and he said bring him in first thing yesterday and they would get it again.  I was scared all weekend thinking that we were just going to hear it was time to let him go but the vet said let's go for it.  So yesterday he got in there and it wasn't near as big but it was affecting two teeth that were loose and falling out and he pulled them along with taking the tumor again.  Dr. P said he is losing more tongue this time too.  I was afraid Clayton wouldn't be able to eat but last night he went in and drank out of his bowl and lapped up some very wet canned food.  That was encouraging.  He was on his pallet on the floor in the living room about 12:30 when I heard him cry.  I jumped up and went in there to check on him, took him outside to potty then put him in bed with us.  That is what he wanted.  He plopped right down and never moved all night long.  Between The Hubby snoring and Clayton snoring, well, sleep was a bit lacking but that's okay, I'll catch up.  At least he's home and we have him for a bit longer.  Dr. P also said that he x-rayed his lungs expecting that the melanoma had spread but they were clear and all the nodules in his neck are too.  That is good.  

I also visited with a friend yesterday talking about all that is going on, especially with me and she proceeded to say I wasn't depressed as much as she was.  She is going through some stuff with family too but she really negated my feelings and that honestly made me very mad.  How dare she say I wasn't depressed.  REALLY!  How does she know what is on my mind that is affecting me in my everyday life.  I know I'm not bad depressed but I am feeling those feelings again and they will get better, I feel that, but don't brush off my feelings like they don't matter.  Good grief.  I've had a rough year, WE'VE all had a rough year compounded with the loss of Daddy, my health (pain), work, and all I'm going through, I have a right to feel what I feel.  Pissed me off.  

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Boy, That Was A Rant

Well, the last post was certainly a rant wasn't it.  Honestly, I'm feeling much better just getting that out of my head.  Yesterday I went to my second visit to the podiatrist and I so love this guy.  He verified that my left leg is 3cm shorter than the right leg and actually showed me the x-ray's.  No doctor so far has done that.  He put a lift in my show the last time I was there and this time increased it a bit more.  I now need to find some better shoes that fit higher on my ankle so that I don't turn my ankle.  I HATE shoe shopping and I honestly hate shoes, being barefoot most of my younger days, but that is all a thing of the past.  I can hardly be in the shower barefoot because of the discrepancy in my stance.  It's incredibly hard on my back and my balance is wonky.  He also verified that I indeed need to get my hip replaced sooner than later because it could collapse.  So my main objective this next month is to sign up for Medicare and find another doctor that is willing to do the hip replacement, even though I am scared to death to do it.  I just need to have a better quality of life.  He also said I need to have the knee done too and that my case is a special one because of my right knee and left hip discrepancy.  It may be a bit more and I will probably end up shorter in the long run.  RATS!  The good news is that I'm actually down 2 pounds since the last time I saw him!!!  And my blood pressure is back to normal.  For some reason when I saw him 2 weeks ago it was pretty high and it has not done that in several years.  Kind of scared me a bit.  So, I have got a lot to focus on and get ready to possibly have parts replaced.  

Thanks for reading (listening) my friends as I continue this life journey.  Just being able to dump here helps me carry on with my life in my constant journey to find the happy that sometimes hides from me.  A little bit of spring this week, seeing buds on trees and the trees looking a bit fuzzy with a tad of green is helping.  Although today is yucky, gloomy, extremely windy and has the feel of winter I will ignore that and have my massage today, read a bit and just relax.  I thought about going to the studio but I've been there for several days now and I need to let my project dry a bit.  Definitely a day at home.  


Tuesday, March 16, 2021

I've Lost My Happy

I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen.  Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now.  I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints.  I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY!  I don't feel pretty anymore.  I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body.  I want to feel good again.  I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that.  I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing. 

Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy.  She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that.  I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic.  Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.  

I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together!  I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year.  When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help.  Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation.  Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!  

I'm depressed because my body is broken.  I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting.  I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them.  I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point.  I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring.  I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.  

My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that.  Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT!  I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun.  I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.  

Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook.  But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point.  I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing.  Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group.  So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation.  I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need.  It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food.  Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem.  To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.  

Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty.  Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!  

Food is an addiction, you can't do without.  I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way.  I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time.  Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.  

Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life.  I need a change of venue so to speak.  There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.  

I'm just need to try and find my happy again

Friday, March 12, 2021

And The Brain Turns

 What a crazy weird week or couple of weeks.  Just been really busy with work, the easel and life in general.  Foot doctor appointment, FINALLY a pedicure, lots of grocery store orders, serious talks about the "BUSINESS,"  thinking, a LOT of thinking.  Plus I can't seem to put myself in the mood to read lately.  You know last year at this time, the beginning of shut down I was reading so much it was just crazy.  Now I can't even read the paper lately.  It's weird how that works in my strange brain.  There is a lot swimming around up in my noggin' with the possible retirement looming, Medicare sign-up next month, applying for more art shows and maybe a studio tour (if I can get my body to cooperate!)  I am dumping here because that helps to get this muck out of my brain to clear it out a bit. 

The Hubby and I have been having a lot of serious discussions about retirement, ending our business and now it's possible it could be another year in the making.  I'm okay with that because I've got my part of my work down to a good place.  If he could just let go a bit of the reins and let it function like it has been lately then he could have some more free time.  I'm not sure he can do that though.  We've got a lot of work going on now and it's hard to just stop that to go to doing NOTHING!  I know he WANTS to retire, to not do anything, not be accountable, not be on call, not be at the beck and call of customers/employees anymore, but how reasonable is that for a workaholic like he is.  So much to think about with this all and in the meantime, me, my hip.  

Last week I met with yet another doctor, but this time a podiatrist, a specialist.  I talked to my regular doctor and since the "hippy" doctor I saw didn't want to replace my hip because I'm too fat, he suggested this specialist to talk about lifts for my shoes.  As it turns out I had already been wearing an insert in the shoe of my left leg that I used to use for my plantar fasciitis a few years ago, and it was helping.  I saw the doctor and I loved him.  He was young, engaged and listened, really LISTENED to my story.  He did measurements and x-ray's and as it turns out my left leg is 3cm (about 1-1/2 inches) shorter than my right leg.  This really affects my hip, hobbling around like I have been doing.  Where this keys into the work thing is that I will eventually have to have my hip replaced, whether I'm fat or not because there is still a risk that the hip can collapse.  If that happens, there will be no other option, and I CAN'T have that happen with work.  I HAVE to be at the office at least every other Friday to do payroll.  So, I'm in a wonky place with work and my health right now.  Think I'll paint...