Wednesday, September 30, 2020

A day at a time.  Yes it is a day at a time to heal.  It's also a day by day time that you bounce from okay to grief to okay again.  The first part of today was okay and all of a sudden, I'm facing grief again.  I think it's from boredom.  Oh I have stuff do do, but do I feel like doing it, no.  I don't feel like reading, watching TV, cleaning, cooking.  I just want to sit and stare.  I've been down this road before and I do know how to get beyond it but you know, it's only been 9 days.  I'm not going to get on the other side of grief in 9 days.  It will take time, day by day.  This week I've had to work in the office all day Monday, Tuesday and half of the day today and that seemed to keep my mind busy.  Plus I'm juggling some legal stuff with Daddy's trust and his finances.  Canceling credit cards, waiting for death certificates, canceling his paper, dealing with his bank, getting a tax ID, just lots of loose end stuff.  This all helps to keep the mind busy but when I have some down time it catches up.  I will watch Snicklefritz tomorrow then head off the the cabin for a bit of R&R on my splendid screened porch and new fireplace.  Really need that.  I'm hoping to maybe do some plein air painting, I hope just to get the mind going a different direction. 

Sunday we celebrated a bundle of birthdays here, all with masks, outside, safe.  The birthdays celebrated were our oldest, my sister-in-law, mother-in-law, Snicklefritz (tomorrow) and MinMin's Friday.  I thought about canceling it but you just can't cancel kiddo's birthdays and my MIL is 93 today!  You have to celebrate that.  Earlier in the day I was watching some old home movies that our oldest daughter has been working on converting to digital.  I started off with one at my Grandma's and it was inside and then ventured outside (where they could drink as Grandma did not allow alcohol inside) and then all of a sudden in the backyard walking away from the camera with their backs to the camera, there was Grandpa in his wheelchair being pushed by my Uncle Wayne and my Daddy walking beside as they chatted and talked about the yard and Grandpa's rock garden.  Then my cousin, Matthew, Uncle Wayne's son rolled into the photo on his bicycle.  OH MY GOD.....I lost it.  There they were walking away and chatting and it hit me in the face and heart that they were ALL GONE.  Wayne and Matthew too.  It was so poignant and sad and I just couldn't take it.  I was trying to tell The Hubby and daughter later on and I began to cry like I have NEVER cried before.  I had not let loose yet and the flood gates broke.  I still feel like it could happen again but probably not that dramatic. 


Sunday, September 27, 2020


Here we are not even 7 days since Daddy left us and soooooo much has transpired.  We've already been through his house and tossed TONS of junk, broken junk, expired junk...just junk gone.  Everyone I think has picked what they wanted and now we deal with the leftover.  It's sad that's all he left us but when you live to the ripe old age of 85, well, that is it.  There are simple memory things and that we have squirreled away in our minds, stuff is just stuff, we have memories.  Memories of camping at the lake, memories of playing music together and singing, memories of laughter, memories of memories.  Stuff is just stuff.

Funerals in the time of Covid.  So sad you can't hug cousins you haven't seen in over 30 years.  
Wise words spoken for a man he truly admired and loved.
Our fantastic family.  

Saturday, September 26, 2020

A Final Goodbye

Yesterday we said our final goodbyes.  A sad day for sure but we all know that Daddy is no longer hurting and miserable.  He was in pain from his knees, his belly and his broken heart.  He missed Momma every single day and now he is with her and we are glad he is with her again.  
The ray a of light in all this was having all the grandchildren and great grandkiddos all together once again.  The BEST grouping of babies I've ever seen.
I also saw a lot of cousins that we haven't seen in probably 30+ years.  Boy are we old!  It was wonderful to have the support of old friends and family, ours and Daddy's.  His best friend hobbled to the gravesite and even spoke a few words.  They loved each other like no other and were friends from childhood.  The Hubby spoke and his words were healing.  His own father had his own demons and so he leaned on my father to help guide him a bit.  They had a special bond of their own.  

Oh, Daddy had his, let's say, quirks, but he was loving, he loved us three, loved his children with a passion.  No one is given a guidebook on how to raise children, discipline, how to love them, we all make mistakes, sure we do, but Daddy LOVED us and that is what mattered.  We move on, carry on with our lives and love our babies and their babies.  Life moves foward.  

Thursday, September 24, 2020

Happy Birthday to My #1

This kid, THE we celebrate her.  Today it's her BIRTHDAY!  My life changed forever when she was born and made me a mom.  The most important role in my life was becoming a mom, her Moma.
Wishing her a mighty Happy Birthday today.  I know this week sucks but we must take a minute out of the sucking life to celebrate YOU, you and your life, your accomplishments in this world.
You are making a HUGE mark on this world and I could not be more proud of you.
I love you.....
love you...
love you...
love you...
love you...
love you...
love you...
love you...
Keep taking on the world, you will conquer it!


Monday, September 21, 2020

Daddy - 1935-2020

8-4-1935 to 9-21-2020

The siblings...Aunt Sharon on the left and Aunt Jane on the right are in intense battles for their lives right now too.

Will miss his intenseness and passion for family.

His sis, Dee who left us a few years ago.

Oh what a handsome guy.

Now you can be with Momma again.  Give her a hug and a kiss for us.


Sunday, September 06, 2020


Good morning all.  It's been a few since I've posted.  What can I tell you, I've been busy. Between work (end of the month, 1st of the month stuff), painting, watching granddaughters, doctor appointments and Daddy stuff life has been busy.

We did scoot off to the cabin for a bit of R&R and the entire place is glorious.  I just makes my heart sing to be there and away from LIFE!
Summer is nearing the end and I want to soak up all I can of the green and warmth before fall and cold hit.  If I've not said before I HATE THE COLD!
I believe these sweet purple flowers are called Lady Thumbs and were full of bees, wasps and tons of butterflies.
I believe these sweet purple flowers are called Lady Thumbs and were full of bees, wasps and tons of butterflies.

My entire body just hurts when it's cold, but I do look forward to using the new outdoor fireplace at the cabin a lot this fall.  

In town this week we had a bit of rain and these clouds I captured stepping out of my car at the office.  Just splendid aren't they, and all of these photos may become a painting in the future.

I did manage to finish these two this week but it was mostly go in for 30 minutes and dab and run.  It has not been easy to complete a painting lately.  My time has been so ragged and I will explain in a bit.
"Summer Harvest" 10x30 oil on gallery wrap

"Trapped" 18x24 oil on linen (self portrait)

Now this guy.  My Daddy.  He's had a busy few weeks.  His nephews wife, Vickie, came to visit.  His nephew passed away a couple of years ago.  Right after Momma died Daddy went to visit them in Arizona where his half-sister Dee lived with Dennis and Vickie.  Daddy stayed for 6 months with them and LOVED every minute of it.  Vickie took great care of him, even though he ended up in the hospital with pneumonia while there!  Anyway, Vickie decided to do a cross-country vacation in her RV, by herself to visit friends and Daddy and the family was on her agenda.  I can't say I was too happy that she would be staying with him but it is what it is and Daddy was too excited to have her visit.  After her visit and she was on her way Daddy fell last weekend.  She was already in Texas but he called her, not my brother, sister or I.  He finally called my brother who went over and checked on him.  He was fine except a bark on his arm.  She proceeded to question our care of him.  Truly, he has been just fine until about a week ago.  I have thought he looked a bit jaundice and brother took him to the doctor and he has hepatitis A!!!  Good grief.  Would probably not be a problem because you get over it with no meds BUT, Daddy has cirrhosis of the liver.  The doctor did say he need to drink water, lots of water and I guarantee he is not doing that.  In fact Daddy has a new addiction, Pepsi.  He grew up with Pepsi being a staple in his household and he has reverted to drinking gallons of it.  I'm sure that is not helping his liver.

Dehydration can lead to memory issues and confusion and now Daddy is having some of that and he fell again last night.  He knew that my sis and I were out of town but who did he call, ME!  I called my brother and he ran over to check on Daddy.  We are not too sure if we should respond to these phone calls because he told brother yesterday, before the fall, that he had fallen in the bathroom but when brother questioned it he said, "well, I almost fell."  He exaggerates a lot, cries wolf so we are leary of the dire phone calls.  

Today is my turn to go over and check on him.  Honestly, I'm so afraid to even walk in the door, afraid he will be gone or in such trouble I will have to call 911.  He told my sister last week that he would not let Carla, me put him in a nursing home again.  Oh boy, that last time it WASN'T ME, it was the doctor, I had nothing to do with it but in his mind I'm the bad guy.  In fact, every time he has been in the nursing home/skilled nursing care was the doctors call, NOT ME!  Frankly, he can't even afford to be in a nursing home.  I'm not sure what we can do for him.  The doctor might be able to order home health care, we hope.  If he can make it to Wednesday, his next doctor appointment we pray that is what happens at this point.  Not sure what we are going to be able to do.  I've been tossing and turning most of the night and am weary in my mind with worry with all the stuff we need to do, can do, can't do, what to do, etc.  It is endless worry and I feel my blood pressure going up as I type.  

After the ordeal with mother and being with her as she gasped her last breath, saying my name, I just want to RUN AWAY and hide.  I don't want to do this again.  It took me three years to get over the depression that hung like a black cloud over me after mother died.  I just feel on the edge of breaking down right now.  I'm holding it all back because I'm afraid I won't be able to get hold of myself.  Losing a parent, especially a belligerent parent is rough.  Plus I worry what we would do money wise, what to do with his kitty, the house, etc.  His Susie cat I always said I would take but I'm not going to.  I hope we will be able to get her into Street Cats and find her a great home.  I just can't take her.  We already have Clayton and he's beginning to be a handful with his age, peeing issues, and when we are away from him he has separation anxiety issues lately.  

There is so much going on and with Covid hanging over us too it's going to be tough how we handle all this.  If you read this please, PLEASE say some prayers, send good vibes, anything that we muddle through this journey.