Weekend Fun and Inspiration

We finally ran off to the cabin for some down time, much needed down time.  I love taking photos while we are driving there but I must contend with a photo through the windshield as he doesn't slow down much for me to capture anything.   

I think I do a pretty good job though, enough that they inspire me to paint.  

I think this photo is my favorite from the drive and yesterday I flew off to the studio to capture it.  I haven't been in the studio for nearly two weeks and it was so time I played in paint.  I really didn't get much done because Linda came in and I haven't talked or seen her for nearly a month.  This studio thing is kind of okay because I have time alone there and she does, BUT, I do miss us chatting. 

Home for lunch I pulled up in our driveway and just had to capture the beauty of our house and the flag for Flag Day!

It is started and trust me it is tiny but if I am to sell some more on the 4th of July weekend at the cabin, well tiny sells quickly.  This one is only a 5x7 and I plan on doing it bigger at some point.  Guess you call this a study as a lot of artists do. 

Diet update...well, the weekend I kind of ATE stuff I shouldn't but that's okay once in awhile.  The scale is up 2...RATS!  It's funny how hard it is to get off but how easy it piles back on and so quickly.  DAMN FAT!

I've Lost My Happy

I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen.  Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now.  I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints.  I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY!  I don't feel pretty anymore.  I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body.  I want to feel good again.  I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that.  I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing. 

Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy.  She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that.  I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic.  Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.  

I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together!  I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year.  When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help.  Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation.  Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!  

I'm depressed because my body is broken.  I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting.  I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them.  I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point.  I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring.  I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.  

My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that.  Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT!  I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun.  I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.  

Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook.  But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point.  I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing.  Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group.  So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation.  I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need.  It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food.  Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem.  To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.  

Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty.  Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!  

Food is an addiction, you can't do without.  I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way.  I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time.  Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.  

Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life.  I need a change of venue so to speak.  There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.  

I'm just need to try and find my happy again

because

I'm

not

happy!

Another Weight Loss Story

I haven't shared this lately but in June I went to my GYN appointment and stepped on the scale to be shocked.  Honestly, I wasn't as shocked as I should have been, but the scale was 249, and I am being truthful here.  I knew I was hurting and struggling to even walk around the house, but again I had my  head in the sand.  Another thing was that I was eating a ton of fast food, and LYING to myself about it.  I pulled into Sonic one day and the carhop said to me that I wasn't in my usual spot....WTF!  Plus my blood pressure, which is good now, but that is with meds.  I want off the meds.  It was time to drastically take some action.  

I mean look at that caboose going on there.  It is obscene.   So I started some research on different kinds of plans, cost and types of food.  I've done Weight Watchers, and it has worked for me.  I've done the no carb thing, and that works.  But for me, and my lifestyle lately, I needed prepared food, in portions that I don't really have to think about.  Grab and go, portion control, those were top on my list of what I needed to try and make this weight thing GO AWAY, or at least get manageable.   

I will NEVER have this kind of body again, but I can be comfortable and more able to walk and deal with life.  I opted for Nutrisystem and have been quite satisfied with it so far.  My first delivery arrived in two different batches of frozen foods and regular stuff.  It was a lot of food because I chose three meals and snacks a day, and you add stuff like veggies.  Then, after a bit you add  power fuels and smart carbs.  The first month was very, very limited at 1000 calories.  I really wasn't hungry much and I tried to have salads and lots of frozen veggies (my favorite broccoli.)  There are also shakes but after a couple of months I started wanting to throw them up.  They taste good but for me it was a texture and milk-like (milk I hate) quality that was getting to me.  I've stopped them for awhile.

Those were the days...sigh...

The weight slowly started dropping, and dropping.  It's a slow process but it was a slow process to get into the shape I'm in.  I was in no rush to lose it fast, because I don't want my butt or tummy hitting my knees with extra skin!

17 pounds down

The calorie count now is 1200 calories and I try to stay under but closer to 1000-1200 everyday.  Now I'm doing mostly breakfasts, lunches and snacks and opting to fix dinner for The Hubby and myself.  But that's not much different as it's a protein and veggies.  I do eat out a lot at dinner time and have to deal with the lake experience but I try not to overdo it and get right back to the routine.  I'm making better choices when we go out to eat but I am NOT going to punish myself over what I want.  I've been good, except for last Monday night.  I truly TRULY was craving Mexican food, our old haunt El Rio Verde, and I told The Hubby that is what I wanted for dinner.  Cheese enchiladas, rice, beans, guacamole, chips and a good old diet Pepsi was my dinner and I did NOT feel ashamed, I enjoyed it and the next morning was back to my portion control breakfast and lunch. 

This will be a long journey and I've made my goals achievable.  My total goal is 50 pounds.  After I reach that then I will re-access and probably make new goals.  As of this morning I am down 17 pounds and I know that's a lot since June, but I have a lot to lose, and I'm trying to really tow the line here.  I hope to be 25 pounds down by Christmas.  I may slow down, but if I keep up the workouts it will help me to reach my goals.  In reality I will probably reach the 50 sooner but I'm not going to stress myself out over it.  It is one day at a time.  I have a lot of things I want to do in my life and I need to be mobile to do them.  

I'm also dealing with some arm issues and finally got into the orthopedic last Friday.  Lots of x-ray's and talk (I love the doctor) to find out I have some cervical issues in my neck, like degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis of my spine with radiculopathy (pinched nerve) and acute shoulder bursitis!  Oh BOY! This is not fun.  I've been getting chiropractic care, intense massages and now on steroids and nerve meds to try and take the pain away.  It is affecting my art in a bad way, like NOT wanting paint and can't, because of the pain.  But, as of today I've taken the last steroid and I am better.  It's still there a bit, but it's like 95% better, livable and I can sleep!  

With this kind of pain going on I could just give up the weight loss journey, but I WILL NOT let this impede my success.  I have a new granddaughter arriving very soon and I need to be able to sit on the floor with her to play.  

Diet/Food/Fat HELL!

I've been thinking about this diet/food/fat thing a lot lately.  Well, really, it's ALWAYS on my mind and always has been.  The idea that I am basically obese is a thought that has been on the forefront of my thought process for years and frankly, I'm tired of it.  I can't seem to get started again on the exercise program and I do eat fairly well, but this idea has popped into my head and I have to share.  

You don't put a drug addict in charge of a pharmacy do you!

You don't put an alcoholic in charge of a liquor store do you!

THEN WHY IN THE HELL am I, a food addict, in charge of going to the grocery store, planning meals, cooking food, making my own choices!!!!!  WHY, WHY, WHY!  

I know you have to finally heal yourself from your addiction by staying away from the thing that makes you an addict then you can hopefully be around it in "social" situations, but with food.  Man, it is all around us, constantly bombarding our every sense.  Television commercials, billboards, fast food places on every single corner and street, it's everywhere.  

When I grocery shop I'm pretty good now, talking myself out of candy bars, cookies, chips, dips, just crap.  I actually talk to myself in the store.  I usually have a grocery list ready for the exact thing I need and I try NOT to go when I am hungry.  It's best when I have already eaten.  99% of the time I can get through the whole gauntlet of end caps and register temptations without buying that thing I should NOT have.  

The last time I was in my doctor's office he said it might be time to consider taking a pill like Belviq, which curbs appetite, and most of the prescription ones that is what they do.  I DON'T have a problem with that I have a problem with being a sedentary person most of the time.  Maybe I need to go to a hypnotist to put the suggestion to WANT to walk or exercise or get up off my ASS!  I need to find a group thing again that fits my needs.  Jazzercise for nearly 15 years, in a group setting was wonderful but my knee can't do that anymore.

I also do not want to take pills that could possibly have side effects. Years ago I did the Phen-Phen thing and luckily I did not get the heart damage that others did.

I've talked about this before, but when I was 11 I broke my leg very severely and it was at a time when kids are very active.  There was track, softball, baseball, basketball, riding bikes, etc.  I walked, yes I walked because that was the only way to get to school or my friends house that was halfway across town.  I hate to walk!  I used to ride bicycles when a kid, but now I'm afraid of falling off of the damn thing.  Hey, maybe I need an adult tricycle kind with three wheels.  Would love that but I also have to have the URGE to do it!  

The one thing I did love was swimming.  We had a pool two houses ago and man I loved swimming.  I was in that pool every single day in the summer.  It's wasn't big or deep but it was round and I could swim around it.  As kids we swam at the public pool or at the Boy Scout Ranch pool that was open to the public.  I had my Senior Life Saving patch and was an extremely strong swimmer.  That is probably what helped me when my brother and sister were involved in other sports.  I would love, LOVE to have another swimming pool but The Hubby says he would NEVER EVER have another pool again.  He hated cleaning it out and it was a vinyl liner pool that was a pain in the butt.  We have the perfect yard for a lap pool, if we took the huge oak tree out?!?  The next best thing is that I decided, just now, to check out the YWCA that I drive by every single day.  Our friends Beverly and Kelly do water aquacise there and that MIGHT be my option.  I have checked out the schedule and will look into that.  It also means I have GOT to get a new bathing suit.  EGAD!  The only problem with the schedule is that I watch Rio at that time.  Rats...

Hitting a few road blocks...