I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen. Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now. I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints. I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY! I don't feel pretty anymore. I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body. I want to feel good again. I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that. I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing.
Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy. She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that. I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic. Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.
I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together! I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year. When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help. Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation. Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level. Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!
I'm depressed because my body is broken. I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting. I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them. I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point. I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring. I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.
My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that. Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT! I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun. I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.
Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook. But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point. I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week. On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing. Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group. So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation. I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need. It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food. Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem. To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.
Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty. Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!
Food is an addiction, you can't do without. I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way. I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time. Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.
Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life. I need a change of venue so to speak. There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.
I'm just need to try and find my happy again
because
I'm
not
happy!
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