Two Years

This morning, early this morning The Hubby got up and went fishing with a couple of friends for the day, a guided fishing expedition.  He needed it.  It also allowed me to roll over and go back to sleep where I didn't wake up until 8 am, AGAIN!  Whoopee, that feels wonderful but honestly I feel like half my day is gone.  I like getting up early in the morning and getting my mind working, looking at FB, reading emails, etc.  I get that out of the way and then get things done.  First thing on the agenda when I'm through here is to clean out the freezer or rearrange the food, in case he brings tons of fish back!!!  Then I will read on my book for book club tonight.  

Can't seem to get into it but will put some good effort into it this morning.  

Then it dawned on me that this is about the time we lost Daddy and sure enough he's been gone two years yesterday.  There was a reason I was feeling a bit off.

Since 2020 life has been a bit weird and I'm feeling the weirdness.

It's all the loss, loss from our lives from Covid to just family and friends.  2020 brought us to the loss of Daddy and last year we lost Gloria (my sweet mother-in-law.)  Hey, add to the loss of my hip but gained a new one!  This year, this summer we've lost my cousin Jerry and my Aunt Jane.  We are also dealing with baby Max and his health issues and now my Sis and her cancer diagnosis.  We also have a dear friend who is once again dealing with cancer and his future has a very dim outlook.  Honestly it is almost too much to handle and I'm trying to shoulder all this grief and frankly I'm not doing it too well because I'm lashing out at the one(s) I love.  I'm trying and that is all I can do right now is to understand and feel the grief and worry that is inside me.  I think that is partially what is causing my skin issues that have popped up on my arms, legs, and inside my mouth.  I'm not a stranger to letting things manifest into skin irritations. Since I was 14 years old I've let stress fester inside me to pop out as hives and I've had it happen as an adult too. I need to deal with my grief, let it flow and release this pent up whatever it is.  It is working I think because the lesions that have appeared are starting to fade, thank goodness.  

Grief is a BITCH, I can tell you and I seem to be affected a lot by it.  I remember when my Great Grandfather Grady died and we drove to Arkansas to attend his services.  On the drive back I had to lay down in the back seat with a horrendous migraine and that is also about the time I first got hives (stress also makes them pop out on me.)  I internalize a lot and if I don't blow, well, I get hives.  Amazing the human body, absolutely amazing.

I also have to consider what The Hubby is going through.  He has lost a parent too, his beloved mother and I know how hard that is.  Maybe he is experiencing grief too but he doesn't talk about it to me.  He internalizes a lot feelings, which I feel guys tend to do.  I'm sure he is having issues too.  Just need to watch him and be there for him has he's only had a year since she left us.  

Stress Reliever

A little stress reliever in the midst of all the "ICK" in the world...

colored pencil and pen

Bad Day

Yesterday was horrible, just horrible!  I started my day as usual; up, coffee, eat protein, exercise, shower and then to the office.  Except in between shower and then to the office I had a phone call.  It was from the StFHS about Daddy's health claim.  I had called them Monday to give them Daddy's health card info so they could run it yet again to cover that dang $1300 bill they keep saying he owes.  I mean the guy has Medicare and private health insurance, he should not have anything out of his pocket yet we are still dealing with something that happened in September of last year.  We realized that they were not using his private health insurance as the secondary.  Anyway, I called them Monday and thought it would be handled.  So this morning the guy, Joey, told me that Daddy's health insurance said that his health insurance was not in effect in September when he had his stroke that it didn't start until February this year.  WHAT!  He has had constant health insurance with the same company since Momma died, eight years ago.  I then sent an email pleading with my sister to help with this crap because she works for the insurance company and this is what she does but instead she just sent me a text back just saying, "you need to call ***Health Insurance." That was all, no help, nothing just you do it.  Good grief.  I decided I would deal with this later, like another day.

Then after lunch my phone rings and it's Daddy's doctor office, his old doctor that is no longer practicing because he has cancer but Daddy is still with the system and the new doc he sees is part of the group.  They call and they need to see Daddy's insurance cards before his echocardiogram tomorrow that brother is taking him to.  They need the cards "TODAY!"  So, guess what I do, I jump in my car and go to Daddy's to get the cards take them to the office.  I live in Tulsa and Daddy lives in Broken Arrow so it is a small trek for me.  I go to Daddy's and he is not there.  CRAP.  I wait and finally he shows up.  He has been to his friend Jay's to visit.  I get the cards, copy them for my files and then I take off to the doc's office.  I have to admit I am not good remembering to get a person's name and phone number that I talk to.  I know I am bad, bad about that.  Anyway, I go to the office that I have been to before and the doc's name is on the little placard yet this office does not.  I can't find because of course he is no longer in the practice.  I go from floor three to two and find someone who can help, where all his patients are now, yet they are a bit confused about why I'm there.  They get the stuff into his records and then leave.  My cell rings just five minutes later and it's the girl who says that Daddy doesn't have an appointment there.  Then asks if it is at the heart institute, yes I say.  She says they don't have reciprocate info with them but if they call tomorrow she will fax the stuff.  I said well, brother will be with Daddy tomorrow and will have all his info and cards.  I don't care it is in the system...or is it.  Then back to Daddy's and I call the other health system that is dealing with his September stay in the hospital and realize that I've given them the wrong insurance info.  Fix that problem and they will refile...hope it works this time.

Is my day done, oh no not at all.  

I run back to the office and wrap up what I was doing there and then head home for a nice drink and relax.  I am home no longer than 5 minutes when my cell rings and it's Daddy and he is upset.  He wants to know if the heart institute has called me.  I said no, why.  He said that they want their money upfront before tomorrow for his procedure and the guy was apparently was not nice to Daddy and he was not nice back.  He was so upset.  It's funny that brother and I just talked about that.  That they will try that tactic first thing but you don't have to fall for that and we WON'T!  I told Daddy that brother would take care of it tomorrow and not too worry.  I hang up, lay the phone down and then my cell rings.  I think it's the heart institute and so I don't answer it.  Then the house phone rings and I let it ring.  Then my phone starts again.  Great, I answer it.  Let me first tell you that tomorrow was a problem for me in scheduling because I had a GYN appointment for three months and I NEED to go in then they scheduled Daddy's echocardiogram on that day at close to the same time and then The Hubby is taking a small trip and needs to get to the airport at the same time.  So scheduling was tricky.  I got bro to take Daddy to the doc, The Hubby had a ride and I could make my appointment though sad to not see The Hubby off.  Now back to the ringing phone.  I answer the third ringing batch and it was my GYN doctor office and the meek girl said they needed to reschedule my appointment to June 10.  I WAS NOT NICE to the poor girl.  I was so angry that I could tell my blood pressure was up, up, up and I wanted to cry.  I mean I have been trying to make it all work and I put out fires all day long and then this.  The good thing is that I will get to take The Hubby to the airport and see him off, but I'm still PISSED OFF!  

Ring Around The Insurance/Doctor Hell

Last week Daddy called me a little after I had left from one of my usual visits.  He was very upset because he had received a phone call from a collection agency.  WHAT!!!!!  That was not good.  Daddy pays his bills the minute they hit his doorway and I do too, and since I am in charge of his finances right now we both were very confused.  It was a medical claim.  First of all we are confused because Daddy has good regular insurance and Medicare which most generally covers everything except for an occasional deductible.  We also have had his mail forwarded to my house until September because he can't walk to his mailbox, and I'm paying his bills, what few of them he has.  He said that they had been sending bills and they have been sent back.  They apparently don't forward those bills.  I told him that if they called back to mail them to his name c/o of ME.  Well, on Friday afternoon I received a letter along with a photocopy of the bill.  The letter said he owed over $750 and that the letter was from a medical collection agency.  The bill showed charges and insurance payments with a balance not covered for about $350.  My first question would be where is the extra $400 that they say he owes.  Plus, it is from the hip doctor we have been seeing, one who is in charge, at this moment of Daddy's care.  One who we've seen, been in his office, many times since the charges stated on the statement.  They did not say a word on any of the visits.  Plus, Daddy has been in a hospital, special care hospital and nursing home for about 3 months, which THEY KNEW!  Plus they have his phone number and my phone number which THEY HAVE NOT CALLED, NOT ONE TIME!!!!!  Can you tell I'm pretty pissed right now.  Tomorrow, Monday morning, my phone line is going to be on fire because I am very angry and getting angrier by the minute thinking about it.  Whew, there goes the damned blood pressure.  These doctors or their offices or the insurance companies and whatever else do not talk to one another.  Good grief, I am dealing with a house in complete disarray, picking out tile and colors and general construction mess.  I'm trying to work and keep up with those books, plus my finances and Daddy's finances.  I'm taking his trash out at least once a week, buying his groceries, cleaning his toilet and doing his laundry along with mine.  I'm helping to keep his appointments plus mine, usually shifting mine to accommodate his.  I'm emotionally tired right now and getting to be physically tired. 

Sniffle, Sniffle, Sneeze, Blow

If this blog post doesn't make sense then I apologize right now.  I had a sore throat for 5 days and I thought strep but it kept getting better until it was gone.  Goodie...I thought, I fought off whatever was rummaging around in my body, but Christmas day, WHAMMY!  The past two days I have sneezed more times than I did all year long and I don't sneeze the dainty little sneezes.  I sneeze the kind that clears out a room.  My head is throbbing, my nose is running then seizing up till I can't breathe.  OH MY GOD...A CHRISTMAS COLD!  Drat.  I laid off of workout all week last week and I'm yet again laying off this week mainly because I'm tired, my head hurts and I just feel generally lousy.  It sucks that A is here and I don't feel like spending time with her or anyone.  I haven't cooked a meal at home in nearly two weeks except for egg casseroles for Christmas morning.  I have been so busy that I think I have burned my candles at both ends till there is nothing left but the wick. 

Tomorrow I have to take Daddy to have that surgery (out patient) on his hip sore.  He has to be there at 1 and the surgery is at 3.  That means I have to go to his house, pick him up and wait, something I do very well.  Then when he is done I pray I don't have to stay with him as I have to book it to the mother-in-law's for dinner with family, especially with A before she heads back to California.  She leaves Wednesday and may not get to see her again till summer.  I hope Sis, her son or Bro can stay with him for a bit.  I really shouldn't be around him too much with this cold anyway.  I still have so much to do this week.  It is called stress!

P.S.  What do you think of the new look.  I was tired of the old one.  That's my little hiney in pink there.

Week in Review

This is a self portrait just before I left to go to my multi-class reunion last weekend.  I like it.  That was a fun day. 

This week I've taken several days off from the office as I will a good part of the summer.  B is not teaching this summer so will be in the office!  I have been planning to paint but that has just not happened, yet.  I spent most of this week running a lot of errands and visiting with my BFF who has been dealing with cancer.  I stopped by and ended up staying 3 hours just talking.  It was very nice.  I went to the greenhouse for climbing roses for the trellis at the cabin and tomatoes for B&B's garden...I expect some tomatoes. ;) 

This weekend The Hubby has gone to Minnesota for a flashlight show.  Several years ago, 1998, The Hubby and I hosted the first ever flashlight show in Tulsa and the paper even did an article on him.  In 2008, we hosted the 10th show here.  They have them every year and he loves to attend and feels an obligation to attend since he is the one who got the ball rolling.  I don't!  They're fun while they are here but I choose not to attend in other states.  We used to do lighter shows too, yes, cigarette lighters.  He has a collection of those too but has maxed out on it.  I prefer them as they are so beautiful, especially the trench art ones.  I have to say also that we do not smoke and never did but he collects them because it was an era, truly. 

Anyway, I opted to head to the cabin this weekend and enjoy the wonderful weather that the weather people are predicting.  Unfortunately, they are predicting 90 degree weather and the A/C unit is acting up!  It's really not too bad with a fan on me.  Last night, with the windows open the air was very nice but the neighbors were not cooperating with the peace and quiet.  There are some here for a wedding at the wigwam and their cabin is full of people, lots and lots of people who do not understand the peace and quiet of our little heaven on earth.  We come here for no motor boats, birds singing, and communing with nature.  Last night I hit the pillow about 10 pm, woke with a start at 10:30 from a bad dream, back asleep at about 11:15 when I was jolted out of that wonderful sleep by fireworks.  FIREWORKS!!!!!  These were not little poppy things but huge boom, rattle the window kind by my neighbors.  They were actually being set off in the meadow but it was 11:15 PM!!!!!  Very quickly my other neighbor, Jimbo hopped onto his golf cart and flew down there to stop the insanity!!!!!  Three boys from the wedding neighbors.  Where in the world were the presumed grownups to stop this.  Teach these kids respect for people please.  Stupid!!!!!  I then could not drift off to sleep till after 1:30 and then was up at 5 to feed the dog and potty.  RATS!!!!!

Nicer thoughts now...

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch drifting off for a quick nap with I noticed the little ceramic birdhouse that a friend gave me a few years ago.  I hung it on the porch but it has remained empty, till now.  I noticed a bird popping in and out with little twigs and stuff for a nest.  YEAH!  There were actually two of them building and I realized that they were a Prothonotary Warbler, a pair.  They were preparing a nest on my porch. 

Now my picture is not good as I did not want to disturb them....

So here is an Internet generated one...after reading the link

I find they quite fascinating and really lucky to have them on my porch.  Hope they stay!

Saturday of stuff to do!

Today, well this weekend, we stayed in town, away from the cabin.  I have a bunch to do here at home and plan on gettting it done.  So far this Christmas season I have accomplished what I set out to do and not had an ounce of stress involved.  Seems like everything has just fallen in place for me.  I like that!  I baked fruitcakes the other night because the opportunity happened to be just right.  Yesterday I went to Daddy's house and put his new electric blanket and mattress under the new sheets and duvet cover.  It is just beautiful.  (I think I need to paint him a picture to hang in there.)  I went there to meet the Sis and return her overnight bag for her trip to the hospital on Monday.  That done I was able to open my Saturday, today, to paint and bake and just hang out at home.  I long for those kinds of days and they don't happen often.  Seems like we are constantly in motion with no time to just hang out at HOME!  I know we do at the cabin and I love to go there on weekends but there is nothing like home.  I don't have to get dressed today, brush my hair or my teeth (may have to rethink the teeth-blech).  I can just roam around the house and do nothing or I can do my laundry, which has piled up, while watching Christmas shows.  I love staying at home sometimes.  I don't have to venture out the door at all this weekend except to pick up the paper in the driveway.  We do have a function/party Sunday but I will be ready to get out by then.  Here's to baking and the smells of a happy kitchen.  I should have some pic's for the cooking blog tomorrow...keep an eye out.   Toodles all and happy weekend, happy baking, happy day!

I can't get a break

I posted yesterday that Sis is okay so far and going home in a few days. That is good. I also mentioned about the jury duty. I did call this morning and yes I have to serve yet again. So the first thing I had to do was reschedule my doctor appointment that has been on my calendar for 6 months. Now I need business casual dress attire and I don't think jeans will work. Too bad that is usually what I wear everyday.

Last night was a nice relaxing evening of television, going back and forth between Biggest Loser and American Idol. I hit the bed about 9 to watch Law & Order: SVU and part of the news then I was in dreamland. The telephone rang about 11:30 when we were both just getting into deep sleep. It was the alarm company about the shop. The Hubby took the phone in his den to check out the security cameras and asked the lady if it was the cleaning crew, which it was. He saw on the cameras that the usual white truck was not there but a police car. When he came back to the bedroom to get his cell phone to call the cleaning crew lady then back to the computer the cameras showed a black car and there were 4 people inside the shop and one was checking out the inside of one of the vans. He called the cleaning lady's cell and she told him that her truck was just stolen from in front of the shop and she had filed a report with the police. He told (I was listening from the bedroom) her that he would review the tapes on the security system when he got to the shop in the morning. When The Hubby came to bed I told him it sounded like a Repo-Man job.

Well, this morning he reviewed the cameras and saw a big tow truck pull up to her truck, stick a long bar out, (the driver never exited the tow truck), and load the truck in less than 3 seconds. Then it took off like a rocket. Our shop guy who knows about car stuff said it was a repo. The Hubby called her to tell her what he saw and asked her if she had a loan on the truck and if she had late payments. She said yes, she was a couple of months late. Well, there you are! My problem is that there were odd people here in our shop. I don't like that and The Hubby told her he didn't like it either.

After all that happened on the phone last night I of course had my adrenaline up and so it was around 2:30 before I could drift off to sleep. So I did not rise out of bed till 8 am and the carpenter usually is on the job by 8:20. Oops, I had to get a move on. I did pretty good leaving the house and got the office a little after 9. I've been invoicing, paying bills, answering the phone, changing doctor's appointments, and general stuff. I even had time to go to the bank and have lunch with my friend. Oh and I forgot, I woke up with a crick in my neck so had to call and tell my team I couldn't be there today. I'm opting for a glass of wine or two with another friend tonight. I need it.

Since spring break starts for the junior college next week I'm taking full advantage of B being here. I'm leaving for the cabin on Friday and I'm not coming back until Wednesday, late in the afternoon because I have a hair appointment on Thursday and I might get a painting class since I'm going to miss on Tuesday. I so need to GET AWAY. I'm feeling a lot overwhelmed right now. Almost want to run away.

A Hippy Day

I hit the ground running today and never even made it to the office. Thank goodness we have an answering service. Since the entry bathroom remodel is going so fast I had to find a wallpaper. I found one online and went to the store to see if they had it in stock. My track record for stuff like that is nil but I took the chance. I had to wait till 10 when they opened but that was okay as I spent the time getting ready, reading blogs, talking to my cleaning lady and the carpenter. It was 9:45 by the time I left the house. I called Daddy on the way and told him that I would meet him at the doctor/surgeons office about his hip at 1:30. He told me he had to be there at 1:10 to fill out paperwork. Okay, that was no problem. I rushed to the wallpaper place to find out that the one and only paper I liked was discontinued and they only had three rolls, I needed five. He took my number on a tiny piece of paper and promised to call after the distributor called him back if there were more to be found. Yeah right. I was again on the hunt for more places to look for wallpaper as he was not offering to help me at all. A quick stop at Harri's for the bathroom and a little chat and I was again moving. Bad lunch at Taco Bueno (bad girl) and another round of wallpaper books. I left the girl my number and a piece of the one I liked that I had printed off from the website and told her I would be back after the doctor's appointment.

Finding the building where Daddy's appointment was took me a bit. I finally found the right one at 1:30 and walked in to find him sitting, waiting anxiously for me. He filled out part of the paper work and was glad to have me finish it. Sitting in the waiting room with my Daddy and waiting and waiting was agonizing for me. The room was packed with all ages of people, well at least over forty at least. There were canes and wheelchairs in abundance. Some even lined up against the wall with people. One of the wheelchair ladies either got really hot sitting there or she had a stomach bug because a nurse came running out from behind the window with a small trash basket in her hand. She was quick to catch the vomit. I couldn't look. Coughing, hacking and vomit was not what I needed right now with my compromised immune system. There were so many people in the office that there was not a place to sit. I was getting a little claustrophobic with fear of illness. People were going through the door to find themselves coming back out to wait more. Finally at 2:00 his name was called and he with cane slowly made his way to the next waiting area. Actually, that was short. The nurse came in immediately and began asking him questions, most of which he could not hear, one of the reasons I was to be there. Daddy had his x-ray's that his primary care doctor took but they weren't good enough, naturally, so new x-ray's. They handed him a pair of blue paper shorts that he needed to put on. I got the wonderful task of helping him out of his jeans and into the shorts. (Where was my sister or brother.) The doctor was pretty nice and told him that he definitely had bone on bone, arthritis. He could do surgery now or he could wait. It would not get better but probably worse. Daddy went in with the idea that he was doing surgery and if they told him tomorrow he would do it. We were given a card to call tomorrow to set up the appointment for the big day, probably April. Tomorrow morning I will show up at his house where I can tap into him for information and his health insurance cards to set up the appointment. He doesn't hear well on the phone and relies on we kids to do this part. As we were standing in the elevator going down to the lobby I teared up. I was just having a meltdown right there in the elevator. We walked outside and I told him again that I would be at his house in the AM to set up the details and he was glad. I walked to my car in the opposite part of the parking lot and the tears were welling up. I just can't do this. I called my brother and told him what went down and cried. I called my sister and then totally lost it. I just can't do this. I know in my head that Daddy is really in very good health and will be okay but Granny fell, broke her hip, and had surgery. She was never the same. Momma fell, broke her hip, had surgery and died a month later. I know logically that he will be fine but my heart is just terrified. I just can't go through this stuff so soon again without being healed inside and out. I think I'll make an appointment with the therapist tomorrow. This is going to set me up for more depression.

My year in review

The last day of 2008. Well, what do you know. (This website says that this post will be #472.) When I was young I never dreamed that I would live to see the years in the 2000's. That was too far away when I was 18 years old. Now here it is, the eve of 2009. Can't believe another year has literally flown by.

I have been thinking about the past year and it has been an interesting year. We set up The Hubby's best friend and that may lead to marriage. Our oldest daughter B is now a married woman after we threw her a huge wedding/reception. We flew to California to visit the youngest, A, and my friend (first time for me.) Found a personal trainer and have lost 25 pounds since last January. July spent a few days watching The Hubby on a ventilator in the hospital after his accident. Right after his accident I began having health issues, probably brought on by stress. Now it gets weird. Stressed by the accident. Stressed at still dealing with the loss of my friend and mother and relationships. Stressed by sister pulling a bonehead move with her cat. Stressed with the holidays and the changing of it all. Stressed by the financial strategies we are all facing and the shifting of what I have to do with our stuff and business. I'm just stressed and trying to deal with it all and trying to wrap my head around being 52 years old and still not sure what I want to do when I grow up. Awww, my life. Well, on to 2009. A toast to a better year, let's hope.

Not only do keep this online journal but I also keep handwritten journals and have for many years. I've only been on the online one since 2006 but I also print all of my entries. I keep them in a three-ring binder. I'm afraid that some day they will be gone and for goodness sake these are words that I have written and I AM A WRITER. I may not be published, well, I guess I am if I am on the web, anyway, headache. I AM A WRITER and someday, someone will read these and maybe find them interesting, maybe my great grandchildren. I'm getting ready to close out my 2008 journal and begin the 2009, so today, probably tonight I will write my last entry and tomorrow I will write the new one. I used to do the New Years resolutions but that is just a stupid thing for me. The first one used to be, "I plan on losing blah, blah, blah pounds." Never happened until last year, after I didn't write about it. So no NY's resolutions for me. I am just going to try and survive 2009 'cause I think we are in for a very bumpy ride, even rougher that 2008. See everyone next year.

It's quiet here.

I am writing this at the cabin, technically neighbors cabin using Grumps Internet connection across the street. Harry and Jimbo are gone for the day, actually until tomorrow morning along with Sin and Bare. So it will be very quiet here. The Hubby left to go back to town this morning and won't be back so I'm by myself for the rest of the day and night. It's so quiet here. The holiday is over and it is hot so most are not up here. There are no golf carts zooming by and construction is done for the weekend and since it is so hot and dry the grass is not growing so no mowing. I hear birds and bugs buzzing around. In fact a little hummingbird just buzzed my head under this umbrella and just hung out and stared at me for a few seconds.
I'm going to use this time today to:
* Write this entry
* Write in my paper journal
* Read blogs
* Write letters
* Read my book, finish it and start another
* and tonight maybe watch a movie, The Kite Runner

It's quiet here!
________________________________________
It has been an awful week for me, medically. I had some issues, skin issues in the nether regions that caused me lots of sleepless nights, pain and just plain fear. On one of those nights of sleeplessness I started going over my history of skin eruptions and found a big correlation - STRESS and how I handle it.

1970 - My great grandfather passed away and it was my first funeral. I broke out in horrific hives that apparently were partially internal which made me vomit a lot along with the itching. Stress event 1

1970 - My first formal dance. My date had to bring me home early because I broke out in hives and hives just don't wear well with a formal gown. Stress event 2

2005 - My reluctant acceptance to do the books/accounting of our lake homeowners financial stuff. I developed a rash all over my upper half of my body, especially on my chest. Itch city and many, many visits to the dermatologist and lots of money spent to have it completely gone 2 days after I resigned the position. I was not sleeping and was a basket case with the heaviness of the responsibility of the job, a volunteer job. Stress event 3

Jan-Feb 2008 - B & B2 planning and having a wedding...my arms were in a constant itchy rash. Wedding over and within a month it cleared up on it's own. I also was sick as a dog with a cold and no voice. Stress event 4

July 5, 2008 - The Hubby is in a very scary fireworks accident which results in a stay in ICU Burn on a vent for 3 days. Stress event 5

I was very strong and calm and handled it all well. The ensuing result is my stress popped out in skin issues and painful skin ulcers in places that are not seen. All this was made worse by my regular doc being on vacation, my GYN is on vacation, my dermatologist is on vacation. I was told to go to a minor emergency. I'm NOT taking my nether region to a minor emergency! Stress is piled onto stress as the skin eruption is getting worse and spreading and I'm even more stressed by this and the worry that I'm not sleeping and I'm very uncomfortable and FREAKED OUT. Finally, after crying on the phone to a nurse in the dermatologist office I am allowed to see the PA, which I thought was a woman. When I did meet Terry, it was a guy, but I was that point of ANYTHING! I'm healing with tons of antibiotics but this has all made me think about how I deal with stress. When The Hubby was first in the emergency room on the vent and I was sitting there watching him all alone I had the intense need for pen and paper. I NEEDED to write what I was feeling but there was none to be had. Maybe if I had written my feelings instead of bottling them up, or even if I had fallen apart the stress might not have manifested itself in the skin stuff. If, if, if. Well, I'm writing now and I'm going to have to keep a little notebook in my purse for the next stress event.

Better

He's getting better every day. The Hubby finally had a bowl of potato soup and he finished the whole bowl scraping the sides and he said it even tasted good. You do not know how good that has made me feel. The poor guy last night tossed and turned and only slept about 2 hours. I just want him to eat and sleep so he will feel better. He's having weird dreams and reliving the whole nightmare of the explosion and I think that is eating on him. He's not said so but I think he's dealing with being almost 53 years old and his father dying at 53 years old. I know it has bothered him as he approached this age and then to have a life and death experience happened it has bound to have effected him.

I think today I'm kind of having some intense feelings of wanting to break down. I really never did as I had to be strong for B (A is still in CA). I've had moments of almost losing it but then I would have to answer the numerous phones and questions and there just wasn't a time to lose it. I had his cell phone, my cell phone. At home there were the cells then two lines on the home phone and the same at the office. I've had to retell the whole story over and over again to the point of nausea.

We have gone from a few days ago a machine breathing for him to he's sitting in the other room on his computer checking his emails. It's all so surreal if you know what I mean. It's one of those bumps in the road of life that trip you up and make you stop and take stock in your life and your future. Wow!