Two Years

This morning, early this morning The Hubby got up and went fishing with a couple of friends for the day, a guided fishing expedition.  He needed it.  It also allowed me to roll over and go back to sleep where I didn't wake up until 8 am, AGAIN!  Whoopee, that feels wonderful but honestly I feel like half my day is gone.  I like getting up early in the morning and getting my mind working, looking at FB, reading emails, etc.  I get that out of the way and then get things done.  First thing on the agenda when I'm through here is to clean out the freezer or rearrange the food, in case he brings tons of fish back!!!  Then I will read on my book for book club tonight.  

Can't seem to get into it but will put some good effort into it this morning.  

Then it dawned on me that this is about the time we lost Daddy and sure enough he's been gone two years yesterday.  There was a reason I was feeling a bit off.

Since 2020 life has been a bit weird and I'm feeling the weirdness.

It's all the loss, loss from our lives from Covid to just family and friends.  2020 brought us to the loss of Daddy and last year we lost Gloria (my sweet mother-in-law.)  Hey, add to the loss of my hip but gained a new one!  This year, this summer we've lost my cousin Jerry and my Aunt Jane.  We are also dealing with baby Max and his health issues and now my Sis and her cancer diagnosis.  We also have a dear friend who is once again dealing with cancer and his future has a very dim outlook.  Honestly it is almost too much to handle and I'm trying to shoulder all this grief and frankly I'm not doing it too well because I'm lashing out at the one(s) I love.  I'm trying and that is all I can do right now is to understand and feel the grief and worry that is inside me.  I think that is partially what is causing my skin issues that have popped up on my arms, legs, and inside my mouth.  I'm not a stranger to letting things manifest into skin irritations. Since I was 14 years old I've let stress fester inside me to pop out as hives and I've had it happen as an adult too. I need to deal with my grief, let it flow and release this pent up whatever it is.  It is working I think because the lesions that have appeared are starting to fade, thank goodness.  

Grief is a BITCH, I can tell you and I seem to be affected a lot by it.  I remember when my Great Grandfather Grady died and we drove to Arkansas to attend his services.  On the drive back I had to lay down in the back seat with a horrendous migraine and that is also about the time I first got hives (stress also makes them pop out on me.)  I internalize a lot and if I don't blow, well, I get hives.  Amazing the human body, absolutely amazing.

I also have to consider what The Hubby is going through.  He has lost a parent too, his beloved mother and I know how hard that is.  Maybe he is experiencing grief too but he doesn't talk about it to me.  He internalizes a lot feelings, which I feel guys tend to do.  I'm sure he is having issues too.  Just need to watch him and be there for him has he's only had a year since she left us.