Mindless Thoughts

Today I'm sitting at my desk having some mindless thoughts. Well, maybe not so mindless. I'm pretty excited about the weekend with "My Girls". We're having a "NO-YES" Weekend. "NO-YES" means: No kids, No hubbies, No pets, No phone calls that can mess up a day, no worries, yes martini's, yes giggling, yes face masks and nail polish, yes late night dancing, yes just girl talk all night long. It is so much fun and reminds me of slumber parties a thousand years ago.

Wow, now all the workers are out working and I'm left alone here again to do nothing till this evening. I will do payroll tonight so I can BE GONE tomorrow....!!!!! My mind is flitting about so fast I can't even take time to write it all down. I'm getting to start planning my BIG Christmas party so I need to call the caterer. My youngest kidlet is coming home from LA on Sunday for 10 days and her father is excited but wary of 10 days with the messiest girl in the whole world. While she is home were are going to Woodward Park for family pic's of which we haven't had done in 10 years. Boy have we changed in that time. I also got to meet the oldest kidlet's new boyfriend and I'm excited for her. She is really giddy about him. It's fun to see that in her. I also need to finish my grocery list for the "NO-YES" weekend. OH...I have to go get a van tag before the end of the month and I HATE to go to the tag office. Oh well, maybe I'll just go Monday and be done with it a little late. Yeah, that's the ticket.

My mind, my mind, my mind. All this confusion in my skull is probably because Mother Nature decided to grace herself upon me this morning. Probably explains the previous blogs of desperation I was having. I'm feeling better now and am planning some things to make myself feel better. I haven't told "The Hubby" yet but I'm cleaning up my desk area and plan by the end of the year to get a whole new desk. I was in school full time while we had a secretary who set up the whole office thing several years ago so it hasn't got the me touch to it. I'm going to do it. Surprise.

OH MY GOODNESS my thoughts are all over the page today. It helps to write this all down though and well it might help if my HORMONES were not flying everywhere today.!!!!!!!.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I feel better...a little crazy but better.

My Daddy and Victoria

Today my sister and I took my Daddy to the mall. My sis needed a new bra so here we go to Victoria's Secret. Boy what a hoot. Daddy standing around the store looking at bras and lace panties was hysterical. Then Dana made her way to a Express to look at pants and I went to Coldwater Creek. He was a trooper and was patient till we went to the gourmet cooking utensil store and found a sampler of Jack Daniel's coffee and Southern Comfort coffee. He's so funny. He's now making sounds about taking a cross country drive to see his half-sister. My Bro and I and are OK with the idea but Sis is having a really hard time dealing with it. I convinced her that he needed to do it to retrace trips he and Mother used to make all the time. He will be OK and honestly I'm ready to stop worrying about stuff.

Tomorrow my oldest daughter, B will be 27 years old. How did I get so old. I can not believe that little peanut I brought home and worried how I could take care of is going to be 27. Time passes so very fast and they grow up so incredibly fast. All the fun play time, not sleeping, giggles, bath times, basketball games, Camp Fire, homework, graduation...it all goes by so fast that you can't believe it has really passed. Happy Birthday B. I hope you have a great weekend at the cabin...Love Moma

I did some yelling.

This morning, rather 3 am I awoke and had to rid myself of 4 pomegranate martinis. When I rolled over, oh my head, oh the pain. My, my, my I musn't do that again, at least for a week or two. Feeling this way really set me up to spill my guts to The Hubby.

I'm here at the office typing up the quotes he said he HAD to have out Monday, of which I wasn't given while I was in the office till 3:45 pm. I took yesterday/Tuesday off since I didn't get to have my couple of days in peace at the cabin. At least I tried to take yesterday off. I had to wait at the house for the Appliance Guy to come replace the beverage center sometime between 1-4 (of which he didn't show) and then the Insurance Guy to bring the new policy by between 11-2. So you see my peace and quiet wasn't going to be found at home either. This doesn't count the phone calls from "The Hubby" during the day. We then got back into the thing about coming back into the office Monday to do that paycheck and I said that why did he call me just to let me know when it could have waited. WHY, WHY, WHY! He kind of shuffled off mumbling.

Back to taking it out on The Hubby. I voiced my anger at not being able to take a couple of days off and of course he turns it back around on me saying he would like to be able to do that too. He said that if he takes off a couple of days it has to be advance planning to line the guys out, etc, etc, etc. WHATEVER! I had to throw back to him his trip to Africa on Safari last year for 2-1/2 F---ing WEEKS! He was saying he was feeling trapped but I had to keep the upper hand. I told him I was in a RUT!!!!! A rut of a windowless office EVERYDAY. Four gray walls (literally) with no people interaction except the phone and the stinky construction guys (employees) I see. I needed a break. He tried to over do me but I wasn't having any of it. (Man my head hurts).

He said he didn't understand my wanting to have a biggy like the Africa trip too but my goodness I certainly didn't get my spa trip for my 50th like he got Africa because of Mom. He said then make it happen, but I can't till at least next spring or summer and I need space NOW!!!

Oh, I know I'm rambling but I've got to win this one for the girls. We have to keep our dominion over men. HAHAHAHAHA. (As I twirl my estrogen mustache).

What Part of "I WANT TO BE ALONE" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!

As in previous posts I have made it known I've been having a hard time with things, so I wanted to get away to the wonderful lake place and just be alone for a few days since the spa thing is on hold. Well, I put my plan in action and it bombed. Saturday afternoon I finally loaded my car and hit the road not to return till Tuesday, today, late. And here I sit back home. Weekends at the cabin are pretty busy visiting so I knew my alone time would have to start late Sunday and then for the next couple of days.

Monday morning I awoke to a crisp morning as I had slept with the windows open. The birds twittered. The drops of leftover rain from the tree leaves hit the tin roof occasionally. I was throughly enjoying the quiet morning. Then all of a sudden more sounds came crashing through the window. The sound of air hammers, saws and workers shouting at each other. I forgot that two of the cabins on our arc of the drive were being remodeled. OH MY GOSH! I could have stayed at the office and listened to that. Oh well, I decided to fix my coffee and sit on the screened porch and make the best of the time I had.

9 am and the phone rang. I shouldn't have answered it. I should have let it just ring on and on and on. It was The Hubby/Boss. He just had to call to tell me about a problem with a payroll check that could have waited till I got back in the office on Wednesday. I told him I would be in on Tuesday to fix it. I was pissed. So I hung up and fumed that he didn't need to call to tell me that but he "just wanted me to know." Yeah right. He just couldn't stand bugging me and making his presence known. So I sit and again try to enjoy a book and my coffee but I'm so mad and my mind couldn't quit thinking I needed to get in the office and fix it. ARGGHHHGHHHHHH!! Why did he do it. Then I couldn't stand all the noise too so I began packing up to leave, very angrily.

I went straight to the office and picked up messages and of course there were two extremely important ones I knew he needed so I called him. He was surprised I was back, Why. I said, "someone intruded on my away time." He said, "I guess it's all my fault." YOU THINK! Man, he doesn't get it. I slammed stuff around all day long and didn't even eat lunch I was so mad. I decided I would catch up and then stay home on Tuesday. I would not answer the phone I would just do what I wanted to do. HAHAHAHAHa. I guess I don't get it.

9 am and the phone rings. I wasn't feeling well this morning anyway because of a UTI so he asked how I was feeling. (OH, I forgot. Since I planned on staying here and not be bothered and I had not told him last night of this plan, well, he had to tell me that the appliance guy would be by, trading out the beverage center that was broken and would here between 11 and 4. Then the insurance guy (one of those weight jerks) called and he will be here between 11 and 1.) OK, now back to 9 am and the phone rings. It was him checking up on me and then he proceeded to ask me to come into the office, he has some stuff that needs to go out. He had them ready yesterday but didn't give them to me. I blew. I said, "I thought since I didn't get my quiet time I would stay home today." Oh, he was sorry, nevermind. I'M PISSED.

You would think I still had little bitty kiddos running around so that my time is not my own but no I have a big kiddo that can't seem to let me have space. What is a girl to do. I've tried. I guess I will have to go ahead and make that spa reservation anyway. It might be in December at this point. I'm going crazy.

My Daddy

My Daddy - isn't he cute! His favorite pastime.

Rock Star

OK. I think they made the right choice of the two that were left. Dilana, if chosen would have totally overshadowed the band with her "her". I REALLY loved her rendition of "Roxanne" on Tuesday night. It was really awesome.

I'm kind of glad Big Bro and Rock Star are over but here I am gearing up with new stuff. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Survivor was really good and I don't care what people say about the "racial stuff." Nobody was screaming last year when there were tribes of old men, young men, old women, young women. I think it will be really interesting "science" experiment to watch.

Well, I think it is just the wine I'm drinking making me ramble like this. I'm bored. Sitting Friday night watching nothing on TV, The Hubby is snoring on the couch, and I'm NOT sitting on my screened in porch at the lake reading and sipping wine. Although the wine is freely flowing here at home.

Hmmmmmmm!

Well, I don't know what to think about my last posting just a few hours ago. I think I'm just having a bad day. I sat in the drive thru at the bank waiting for my depost slip back and I felt tears roll down my face. I must be PMS'ing or something. I can't seem to get out of the doldrums today. The day started off good but somewhere at the lonely office it happened. Could be that I sit in a windowless office, at a very messy desk, waiting for the phone to ring (which it only rang 3 times today), doing nothing! Yes that could be it. I think I need to change my wallpaper on my computer screen because it is of my family, my mother and father and the rest of us last year at their 50th Wedding Anniversary Celebration. That could be a big clue to the sadness I am feeling right now in my life. I want to go out to dinner. I want to have people come over to my house and just laugh with me. I want to go somewhere. I want, I want, I want.....I don't know. I just can't do this anymore today. I've got to shake it off.

Time To Myself

I know this sounds weird but I have been trying to get time to myself ever since Momma left us. I just need some space and The Hubby seems to think that this is the time he needs to be close. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! I work in our business with him, I live with him, we go to the lake place together, we sit at home in the evenings ALONE together. I need space!!!!!!! I never got to go the spa week or two for my big 50 this year and I'm so looking into doing that. I feel like I'm just going to explode if I don't get a break. I'm bored with my life. I'm bored with the marriage...yes I said that. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my Hubby but I need some time to think. I don't want to be like my parents and at the end of Momma's time they ONLY had each other and us kids. I want friends around. I feel like Momma and Daddy were so alone. I know Daddy was and is now. I know it is contradicting to think I need time to myself yet want friends. It's just that I need time to process all that has happened this year and yet I NEED social outlets too. Maybe I need to talk to someone (if you know what I mean). I don't know. I'm just bored. I've hit burnout at the office and don't want to be there or even be around any of it. I can't quit because it is a partnership with The Hubby and it's our livelihood. Maybe I need a side business or project or something....something..............................Can't wait till girls weekend though. That will be nice.

What a Weekend

Labor Day Weekend....Well I definitely took those words to heart and did not labor at all. I sat in my chair on my wonderful screened in porch at the lake and read all weekend long. I started and finished a great book that I highly recommend..."A Year of Pleasures" by Elizabeth Berg. It's a great book club read. I sat in my chair and watched The Hubby get his Hasty Bake all ready for the great CC BBQ Cookoff. There were three areas for him to enter...chicken, beef and pork. He won beef and pork. So now he has three trophies (he won last year). Let me tell you his head is huge. He is SOOOOOO proud of himself. He cooked and cleaned up all of his mess so I had to do nothing ALL weekend. It was wonderful.

I had a dream

OK this is kind of weird but I had a dream Friday night (8/25/06) and this was it. Under the circumstances of my life lately this just gave me chills and I knew immediately what it meant.


I awoke with a start this morning. The sun wasn’t even a thought although there was light, so I knew it was not far from appearing. I lay in bed looking out at the tree limbs watching the shadows of birds hopping from limb to limb. What was it that awoke me with such a jolt. Oh, I remember now.

I had gone to get my hair done. I pulled into a small parking lot with my Tahoe and parked in a fairly empty lot. The guy that was to do my hair was the one I had seen on a television show about his father, grandmother, and their candy store. A blind designer was there to redesign the store. The young man I guess made a mark on my memory because he was a little over the top effeminate. The hair guy told me he couldn’t do my hair right then and that he needed the money. He said he was saving money to have his teeth fixed. He took me in the back of the salon to see how much he had saved and his savings plan.

I followed him to the back of the salon. The place was huge, almost endless in size. There were tons of people milling around and we came to a picnic table. There under the table was some kind of a mouse trap. There was a creature in the tube-like trap and the hair guy picked it up and pulled out the creature which looked a little like a puppy. He put his finger up to its mouth and it bit him. People were standing around him in a circle watching him. He took the puppy creature and started to swing it around by the head trying to break its neck. I couldn’t watch and ran out crying.

I went out through a swinging door to the front and found myself in a restaurant/bar with no apparent walls or windows, completely open to the parking lot. There were many people wandering around in huge crowds. I walked to the parking lot to find my car and leave but I couldn’t find my Tahoe. In a large part of the parking lot was a hot rod car show. I thought maybe my car was towed to make room for the hot rods. I wondered around looking for my car and started to panic. I went back inside to find someone to help. I walked up to a waitress that looked a lot like Regina (a former employee) but she was busy trying to put orders through a kitchen window. All of a sudden there was a commotion and there was a little girl that I guessed could not find her mother or was lost or something. I turned to look at her and she was surrounded by people murmuring. She was sitting in a white wicker chair that dwarfed her. The chair was like the one that I helped Daddy buy for Momma many years ago for Christmas. The little girl had shoulder length curly hair and was holding a doll in her arms. She wasn’t smiling but was looking straight at me with large brown eyes. The crowd surrounded myself and the little girl. They were whispering that her mother had expired, exact word used in the dream. That is when I woke up. My eyes instantly were open wide and I had the realization that the little girl was me and that her expired Momma was my Momma. The little girl was me. I came face to face with the little girl in me that had also lost her Momma.

I Confess

I confess...yes it is true...I'm an addict. My eyes are bloodshot. My hand is numb. My mind is mush. I waste hours, many hours a day dedicated to my addiction. I'm addicted to Club POGO! I have spent the whole day playing POGO. Poppit, Tri-peaks Solitaire, Jungle Gin...you name it I'm addicted. I can't get enough of badges and games. What a waste of a day. I had to sit at the office all day long and wait for the phone NOT to ring so what's a girl to do. Well, of course, play internet games ALL DAY LONG! Man, I've got to get a life.

I wish I were done.

I wish I were done. Done with the monthly drag. Done with cramps (that have reappeared lately.) Done with feeling I'm in that little box, as my husband calls it. I haven't had a period since June and then this morning, !!!SURPRISE!!!, here it appears again. In June, I had not been visited by the demon since December. ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! And to top off the morning, I had a little bit of cramps like I was a teenager, I haven't had them since BK (before kids). The doc said it could be several years till I was through with this nuisance. I can't wait. I'm ready.

I guess I am in my box. I haven't really had a good cry since Momma died but today I felt like I wanted the flood gates to open. Even now as I type (and a few glasses of wine) I want to cry. I even let The Hubby see part of my blog....OH NO... He'll never find it again. I hate these feelings of weirdness and that is exactly how I feel right now WEIRD!!!!!

Did you know that there is a right and wrong way to put the toilet paper roll on. Yes there is according to The Hubby - or at least he used to say that, he doesn't remember making that perfectly clear to a young impressionable 19 year old bride 30 years ago. Ummmm...That's just a wine-induced observation.

On the Road

Today my baby (21 years old) is driving from Phoenix to Los Angeles. Yup, she's on the road. She is finished with her school and is now on to her new life and internship in the LA area. YIKES, it's scary but exciting. I guess I'm living vicariously through my daughter cause in my real world there is no way in Hell I'd have the guts to do what she is doing. She called a little bit ago while driving the U'Haul to talk and keep herself busy. She had a little scare when she was driving by an area where there are thousands of windmills and so of course the wind is beastly. The U'Haul was bouncing about a bit and a semi was next to her so she was a little tense. All of a sudden she heard an extremely loud !POP! and it scared her to death. She turned down the music (of course) and looked in her rear view mirror and feared a flat but realized it was the semi next to her as it veered to the side of the road. That would have terrified me. Her friend from home is already in LA and has already proceeded to get the utilities and of course the cable/internet set up so all she has to do is move in and have Momma pay the rent.....of course. Hopefully, after the 2 month internship they will hire her and she can start paying her own rent.

I MISSED IT

OH My.....I Missed It. I forgot to watch Supernova and see the demise of Zayra...Happy, happy, joy, joy. I was so glad to see her gone, although she did a good job on her original song I could NOT stand to watch her gyrate any more on stage in front of the band and make sexual references like she was a groupy read to do "anything" to be in the band. YUCK!!!!! I knew she had to go sometime and being in the bottom three EVERY week should have been an indication that she should have gone a long time ago.

A Day Off

Finally I was able to take a whole day off...well, at least I tried. The day started with not hearing the alarm at 4:45 am to go workout so I got a little extra sleep. I had planned on not going to work anyway but that idea was thwarted by the insurance man who needed a few checks to start paying for our new Long Term Care Insurance (a must for EVERYONE.) So, that meant I had to go to the office anyway because I keep my checks at the office. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!

I was able to get back to the house around 9:30 am to make some sense of my office/bedroom/craft room/writing room. Ever since we moved into our wonderful house my room has been the last room to get any attention. Last week it became a room I could hardly move around in. The Hubby brought home 4 boxes of books that have been in storage for 10 years. The room was already a mess with piles and piles of junk, now it's worse. I knew the boxes were around somewhere but didn't think I would ever get to unpack them, and unpack I did today. Wow, dusty books, and I'm so sore from lifting and moving. I feel as if I just moved piles of stuff from one corner to another. The room is filled with books, sheet music (daughter's, mother's and mine), keepsake baby clothes, family history with pictures, pictures, pictures, art supplies, and a plethora of just plain old junk that I can't part with. I'm trying to get a handle on it and I will eventually.

I want My Own Middle Age Crazy - I'm Entitled!

I Want My Own Middle Age Crazy – I’m Entitled!

I Want My Own Middle Age Crazy! I’m entitled. It’s just not fair. My husband went to Africa on Safari when he turned 50. He’s purchased countless motorcycles, boats and “Big Boy Toys”. My brother-in-law surprised my sister with his new Harley motorcycle. A friend of mine convinced her husband to sell everything they own and move to a condo on a beach in California, and she even changed her name. You go girl. I Want My Own Middle Age Crazy!

Women and men alike divorce spouses of many years to embark on “finding themselves.” They’re looking for a whole new exciting life. I’m pretty happy with my life of marriage and kids and work. I don’t feel the need to “find myself”, or do I?

My 50th year of life has been traumatic. I/we have become empty nesters. That, in itself can set couples off in different directions of compatibility, but we’ve embraced it. I was ready for the end of chaos, but I was wrong, it just changes to a different kind of chaos when the kids are gone.

The calendar year began with two moves, one to the empty nest stage and then one to a new home that was still in stages of remodeling. Packing, packing, packing, boxes, boxes, boxes, oh my aching back. It was getting to the point that boxes were being stuffed without thought. The hubby was on a rampage to fix the house we were living in to sell. After the #2 kid was transferred halfway across the United States, we made a short move to another bedroom in a smaller bed while we prepared to sell our house. That was fun, not.

The stress and strain were there but we handled it fairly well. A quick trip to visit the #2 kid with the #1 kid in tow was in order, even though I knew the move to the new house was immediate when we returned. The spur of the moment visit was marred with a phone call from the husband. Our best friend of many years died suddenly. Wham! I was hit between the eyes with a reality check on how precarious our lives are. But, I didn’t have time to let that reality soak in much.

Shortly after this tragedy my dear mother started going downhill. Daddy just couldn’t care for her at home anymore. My brother, sister and I were thrust into the difficult web of nursing homes, Medicare, health insurance, skilled nursing care, funeral plans, caskets, cemetery plots, concrete vaults vs steel, broken hips, feeding tubes, living wills, DNR’s, and many middle of the night phone calls. There were lots of tears and talk, hugs and decisions all with the blessings of our father. During all of this stress and tension I turned 50, very quietly. We also lost our four-legged companion of 12 years. How much more can I tolerate, well, a little more is my guess.

Wednesday, July 26 at approximately 2:25 pm I sat at my mother’s bedside and watched as she took her last quiet breaths. My heart was breaking but I was also relieved that she was not struggling anymore.

What a 50th year I’ve had. I wanted a birthday party. I wanted to go to a two week spa. I wanted a sports car. (I did get the house of my dreams…excuse me, “We” did). I wanted a hoopla. I got tears, heartache, and just plain sadness.

This has been my tale to tell of my search for a Middle Age Crazy. I haven’t had time for the expected crazy decisions I “should” be making since I’m now 50. I’m now an official member of AARP and if my dear husband buys himself another “Big Boy Toy”, well, then I’m just going to have to retaliate somehow.

The Old Grind

(My favorite place...
Rattlesnake Hollow)



Today is Tuesday and here I sit at my desk just looking at the piles and piles of work that have accumulated. It is overwhelming. I really don't know where I should start and yet I find the time to write here. I can't seem to get started. It is probably because I have been so out of pocket for so long and being here is out of the ordinary. I have let the filing pile up for 6 months. I need to pay the bills since it is the first of the month but there are so many between the office and personal bills. I really need to be in this office without ANYONE knowing I'm here, including The Hubby. I need to be uninterupted, without any kind of distraction. No phones ringing, no deliveries, no employees walking in the door, no Hubby staring at me. ARGHHHHHHHHHH I think I need alone time. I know. I'm going to the cabin this weekend, but wait, weekends are not all that alone...hahahahaha...PARTY TIME!!!! Yeah, that's fun too. A chilled Cosmopolitan and a good book or neighbors and music for dancing. Hmmmmm not sure which I would like.

Do I sound insensitive about the death of my mother. No not really. I'm more relieved that she is at peace. That my world is not revolving around watching her. My Daddy is doing really good. I'm not sure about my Bro or Sis at this point. I haven't really talked to them in a few days. I needed a break from that intensity too. I'm really ready for my spa week or weeks...sometime soon I hope. I had a massage and facial booked for last Friday but well, funeral and all, that had to be canceled.

I've just got to get my mind wrapped around life again. That may take a little time.

She Sits with the Angels

Just a quick note and picture to say that my sweet Momma is sitting with the angels today. Yesterday she took a soft breath and was gone. I was with her and it was the hardest thing I have ever done or been a part of in my entire life. Momma was 70 years old, very young. The only thing I ask is for those who smoke STOP NOW, for those who are thinking about it DON'T DO IT, and for those who have quit KEEP IT UP. Smoking is what took her life from this earth too early. (Stepping down from the soap box.)

A Little Good News A Little Sad News

A little good news today. My dear friend Gail who left this earth too early in March is a grandma. Her daughter had Abigail Sophia via c-section and is doing very well. Gail was so excited to be a grandma and so this birth is bittersweet. Her husband called and you could almost hear him smiling through the phone line. I will gladly fill in a little when and if little Abigail needs a granny or grandma.

Sad news is that I received a phone call that Momma may not make it through the day. My thoughts all day have been that how ironic it would be for little Abigail to make her appearance on this earth and my Momma to leave us. The day is still young though and I wait for the phone to ring again. Tears of joy and sorrow.....