Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm afraid it's happening again.

I'm really afraid it is happening again. I am not feeling the best today and I have zit on my chin, my glands in my neck are swollen, my ears are draining and now I have two lumpy things, one under each armpit. I so hope they don't turn out to be MRSA again. I am tired of fighting that crappy stuff. I'm hoping that I am just fighting a sinus infection or ear infection and the other stuff is a fluke of happenings. My allergies are acting weird so maybe that is all it is. I also feel blue, sad, down, non-friendly. This weekend I have just wanted to be by myself, not my jovial self. I want to sleep, which I slept till 8:30 this morning. We are at the cabin and it is glorious today. It is a bit breezy but the sun is warm and I am by myself at Harri's cabin deck. Unfortunately there is a downside to sitting outside in the fall, falling acorns. It's a good thing they haven't put down their deck umbrella or I would be black and blue. All the metal roofs around it sounds like hundreds of shots going off when the wind blows. The Hubby has gone fishing this morning at 6 am and won't be back till about noon. This weekend was full of festivities. Friday night we were invited to Sin and Bare's for a hamburger cookout which was fun. I had too much wine and ended up in bed by 9:30. Of course I had been up since 4:30 so the wine just made the bedtime sooner. Saturday I read a bit but Harri called me over to sit by her fire and visit and help her decorate her cabin fall like. So I spent the better part of yesterday over here visiting. I finally begged off saying I wanted to nap but I really wanted to watch TV, crochet and just veg out, which I did. Then last night was another gathering. Two cabins had recently been remodeled and were across the road from each other and so the inhabitants had open houses with tons of wonderful food. We gorged ourselves and enjoyed a lot of chatter with other cabinites but I was ready to be alone again by 8:30. We had been invited to Harri and Jimbo's and RM & Ed's but I just wasn't in the mood. The Hubby went over to Harri and Jimbo's for a bit but I just watched TV and crocheted the rest of the evening. I almost feel like I'm going to have that monthly visit. Of course the monthly has been absent since June so we'll see. I just feel like that in my head. Maybe that is all this is. I sure hope so.

I'm also dealing with the decision that I have made and have not yet fully put into action. The decision to quit or at least move places where I Jazzercise. It has weighed heavily on my head and heart this weekend as I just don't want to give up my girlfriends. That is what will happen eventually, even though we may try to stay together as a group it will happen. I've had it happen before and am very sad about it. My friend base just keeps dwindling and I am just in a deep depression about it. I just don't know what to do about it. Yes I have lots of friends but the old ones, ones that you have over many, many years I just don't have. I am jealous of other people who talk about their old college friends or high school friends and they still are in contact. Mine aren't. They don't want to be. I have had to forge new relationships in various organizations or places and then they seem to not last. I want a friendship to last through time. Gail would and was that kind of friendship but she is gone. My friend C, even though she feels it is just not there for me. My fairly new friends here at the cabin community are wonderful and we have great fun but they don't necessarily translate to deep friendships when the weekend is over. They have their own relationships that have been place for a long time. I'm 52 years old and don't have a best friend. That just makes me want to bawl. Wouldn't you want a friend like Lucy and Ethel, a friend that pops in for coffee or calls and wants to do lunch at least once a week, not once every 6 months. That is the kind of relationship I have left now and I am just distraught over that. When my mother was alive my sister and I and our children would descend up the old homestead every Saturday morning. We would either hang out there all day and cook, can, garden, go shopping and most assuredly go to lunch. It was awesome. But now Momma is gone and that tradition is gone. I am still not happy with Sis after the cat fiasco a few months ago and we just don't run in the same circles. Face it if we weren't sisters we would not be friends, just too different. You know even here at the cabin I am alone to an extent. Harri has Sin and when Sin is not here I am the replacement. Everyone has somebody that they pal around with. I usually sit at the cabin alone. Most of the time that is okay as that is what this place is for for me but sometimes I would like to be the person that is sought after. Don't get me wrong I make the trips around on my golf cart and visit with people a lot but I am not sought out by others to hang out with. I could take that as I'm just not a fun person or likeable but I do know that is not true. I am considered a very nice true person that everybody likes but I think I'm kind of generic. I know that sounds weird but I feel it. I know I'm whining but I'm lonely and all this pity party stuff is coming from I think hormones today, so sorry to those who are reading this crap.

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