Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Bored at my desk

Well, here I sit at my desk with absolutely nothing to do....well, that is a big fat lie. I could file, I could post Accounts Receivable, I could clean out my files from last year, I could do a lot of stuff but I just don't want to be here. I'm so tired of this windowless office with no TV or no people to see. I need a change.

I'm depressed too. Momma is so sick and it is close to the end right now. There is so much to handle and Daddy is letting B and D and I take care of all of it. Make all the decisions and he goes with what we say and do. It sucks to see your parents go downhill so fast and at a young age. It makes me very aware of my health and what I put into my body and to make sure there is insurance to pay for it. It also makes me very aware to have all my legal documents in order so that my girls can handle all the decisions.

Visiting Momma is so very hard. Yesterday when I went to see her in the hospital she had an "accident" and just looked at me while the nurses cleaned her up. How humliating it must be to have that happen. Later that evening Daddy called and asked if I had been there that day. I said yes of course for 1-1/2 hours. She didn't remember me being there. That just about crushed me. Now she's having that kind of problem. Oh my goodness my heart aches for the loss of a good woman, my momma and best friend. A strong woman who showed my how to crochet, cook, plant a garden, can vegetables and make jelly. A woman who taught me that you plant marigolds and dill with your tomatoes so the tomato worms don't eat them. A woman who taught me the love of reading. A woman who gave me the love of beautiful music which I passed on to my girls.

How sad it is to ready myself to lose that most wonderful part of my life. I don't know what I will do when she is finally through with the suffering. It is all I can think of right now. This spring has been so full of loses in my life. My oldest and dearest friend passed away very suddenly and I thought my heart would absolutely crumble from grief. How could that happen to a woman so young, a woman MY AGE. Life is so incredibly short. We also lost our little doggie of 12 years and now she lies under a bed of flowers wrapped in my old beat up pink robe she loved so much, resting finally at peace.

I'm tired of crying, tried of having my jaw ache from trying not to cry. I'm tired of having my every waking moment thinking about those gone and those going. I'm way too young to have this hanging on my shoulders. I know it will get better in time but I wish it was tomorrow. I'm getting creases in my face from frowning....that is not good.........


Unknown said...

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. I'm very close to my Mother, and it would destroy me to lose her early. Keeping you in my thoughts...

NAJackson said...

So a year has passed and we are to only assume that you are past this incredibly difficult spot in your life.

One thing I may never understand is why when life is difficult and we think it can't get more so, it does.

Then without warning, the worst is over, the clouds part and life moves on as before.

But not realy as before, because loss is just that, loss and even though life gets initially better and moves on, we will always miss them.

Loved reading your blog.