What Makes Me Happy

Good Tuesday Morning.  Ah, spring has sprung in Oklahoma.  The trees are budding, daffodils are blooming, and the sun is boldly shining.  I am truly happy about that.

So with that said, I am painting happy...

Next week I go to another surgeon and we will see where this road takes me.  I'm ready.  I'm just too tired of hurting and not being able to move like I want to anymore.  My journey down this road is just beginning but it will be worth it.

A Couple of Things

This little guy. The weekend we realized that he was doing his weird licking thing and had a bad smell coming from his mouth again.  When he yawned on Sunday I saw that under his tongue was the tumor, back again for round two.  It wasn't as large as the last one that hung out of his mouth but it was definitely back.  Monday morning I called Dr. P and he said bring him in first thing yesterday and they would get it again.  I was scared all weekend thinking that we were just going to hear it was time to let him go but the vet said let's go for it.  So yesterday he got in there and it wasn't near as big but it was affecting two teeth that were loose and falling out and he pulled them along with taking the tumor again.  Dr. P said he is losing more tongue this time too.  I was afraid Clayton wouldn't be able to eat but last night he went in and drank out of his bowl and lapped up some very wet canned food.  That was encouraging.  He was on his pallet on the floor in the living room about 12:30 when I heard him cry.  I jumped up and went in there to check on him, took him outside to potty then put him in bed with us.  That is what he wanted.  He plopped right down and never moved all night long.  Between The Hubby snoring and Clayton snoring, well, sleep was a bit lacking but that's okay, I'll catch up.  At least he's home and we have him for a bit longer.  Dr. P also said that he x-rayed his lungs expecting that the melanoma had spread but they were clear and all the nodules in his neck are too.  That is good.  

I also visited with a friend yesterday talking about all that is going on, especially with me and she proceeded to say I wasn't depressed as much as she was.  She is going through some stuff with family too but she really negated my feelings and that honestly made me very mad.  How dare she say I wasn't depressed.  REALLY!  How does she know what is on my mind that is affecting me in my everyday life.  I know I'm not bad depressed but I am feeling those feelings again and they will get better, I feel that, but don't brush off my feelings like they don't matter.  Good grief.  I've had a rough year, WE'VE all had a rough year compounded with the loss of Daddy, my health (pain), work, and all I'm going through, I have a right to feel what I feel.  Pissed me off.  

Boy, That Was A Rant

Well, the last post was certainly a rant wasn't it.  Honestly, I'm feeling much better just getting that out of my head.  Yesterday I went to my second visit to the podiatrist and I so love this guy.  He verified that my left leg is 3cm shorter than the right leg and actually showed me the x-ray's.  No doctor so far has done that.  He put a lift in my show the last time I was there and this time increased it a bit more.  I now need to find some better shoes that fit higher on my ankle so that I don't turn my ankle.  I HATE shoe shopping and I honestly hate shoes, being barefoot most of my younger days, but that is all a thing of the past.  I can hardly be in the shower barefoot because of the discrepancy in my stance.  It's incredibly hard on my back and my balance is wonky.  He also verified that I indeed need to get my hip replaced sooner than later because it could collapse.  So my main objective this next month is to sign up for Medicare and find another doctor that is willing to do the hip replacement, even though I am scared to death to do it.  I just need to have a better quality of life.  He also said I need to have the knee done too and that my case is a special one because of my right knee and left hip discrepancy.  It may be a bit more and I will probably end up shorter in the long run.  RATS!  The good news is that I'm actually down 2 pounds since the last time I saw him!!!  And my blood pressure is back to normal.  For some reason when I saw him 2 weeks ago it was pretty high and it has not done that in several years.  Kind of scared me a bit.  So, I have got a lot to focus on and get ready to possibly have parts replaced.  

Thanks for reading (listening) my friends as I continue this life journey.  Just being able to dump here helps me carry on with my life in my constant journey to find the happy that sometimes hides from me.  A little bit of spring this week, seeing buds on trees and the trees looking a bit fuzzy with a tad of green is helping.  Although today is yucky, gloomy, extremely windy and has the feel of winter I will ignore that and have my massage today, read a bit and just relax.  I thought about going to the studio but I've been there for several days now and I need to let my project dry a bit.  Definitely a day at home.  

 

I've Lost My Happy

I remember those lazy days of summer as a young teen.  Sometimes I desire to go back to then, before my life took off to the point of where I am now.  I am 64 years old, gray headed, fat, fat beyond fat, and in pain most of the day with my joints.  I miss the days of youth, of being able to get up and down easily, running, of being SKINNY!  I don't feel pretty anymore.  I hate my scraggly gray hair, I hate my fat face, I HATE my fat body.  I want to feel good again.  I think this pandemic has a lot to do with that.  I used to have places to go to fix myself up, put makeup on, fix my hair, but now I throw on frumpy clothes, shoes with lifts (because I am webbly-wobbly) and head out the door to nothing. 

Yesterday I was talking to my youngest and I find that I am in a rut, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy.  She thinks I need to see a therapist again and I may do that.  I've got a lot that has happened this past year what with the death of Daddy and then this damn pandemic.  Plus the looming of retirement that is a blessing yet deep inside I may not be looking forward to it as much as The Hubby is.  

I'm finding that after 45 years of marriage he is IRRITATING me at every turn and I really don't know how that is going to play out when we retire, together!  I'm sure part of this is that I still have the winter doldrums that I usually get every year.  When warmer temperatures come and I can sit in the sun and that will help.  Seems that every few years or so every little habit, every little annoying throat clear or nose blowing that The Hubby does makes me roll my eyes with irritation.  Plus my nearly deaf hubby that only wears his hearing aids for special occasions is fraught with frustration at having to constantly repeat myself at a yelling level.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, will till eternity but sometimes ARGHHHHHH!  

I'm depressed because my body is broken.  I'm depressed because I can't do what I used to do with my body without hurting.  I'm depressed because I can't play with the grandbabies without pain and fear of falling on them or with them in my arms when I try to carry them.  I hurt and I'm fat but I don't know how to remedy that at this point.  I tried to do the Nutrisystem thing last year and it worked briefly, losing 20 pounds but after awhile eating blah food is just boring and I don't want boring.  I've counted calories and that didn't help at all, I just stayed the same weight and I think I even gained a bit more, mostly because, I CAN'T MOVE to work off calories.  

My hip problems are getting worse and I need to lose weight so that my hip does not collapse but when a doctor flat out looks you in the face and says that you are too fat to do surgery your heart gasps, you blink, blink, blink with hurt and don't know how to respond to that.  Hey dumb ass, I KNOW I'M FAT!  I went from working out a few years ago to absolutely nothing now and it is not fun.  I feel like I'm in a loop that I can't get out of and don't know where to turn.  

Now add to all this that I love food, I really enjoy cooking and frankly I'm a very good cook.  But, after 45 years of planning meals, cooking meals, shopping for food, CONSTANTLY I am so over it at this point.  I start in my head probably on Sunday planning the week.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I have to cook an early meal because The Hubby either goes to workout or dancing, and on dancing nights I can't have anything that will cause a gaseous outbreak while dancing.  Then I have to think about what we will do for the weekends (Friday, Saturday nights) because we usually go to the cabin so I have to wagon-ho the food, plus when we do get to socialize again that is a factor because I have to go with the group.  So planning ahead for that means grocery shopping ahead for that in anticipation.  I am constantly ordering groceries to make sure I have what I might need.  It's to the point now that my freezer is stuffed to the very top and my pantry has no more shelves to handle the food.  Sure as I begin to cook something I will find I don't have it so ordering more stuff I don't need is a problem.  To add to this is that if I don't plan well enough and thaw out the chicken, beef, etc., then I won't have anything to cook and I will have to order more fresh food leaving the thing in the freezer that needed to be cooked.  

Honestly I am so over this meal/food planning and if were to leave it up to The Hubby to "fix" dinner we would have BBQ or grocery store sushi, or something always fatty.  Or if he did actually cook, it would be steak and canned okra and tomatoes - blech!  

Food is an addiction, you can't do without.  I know what I must eat and 90% of the time we eat that way.  I mean last night was salmon, asparagus and baked sweet potato and that is how we eat a lot of the time.  Again I'm a good cook but I so tired of constantly having it on my mind.  

Maybe I do need some counseling but mostly, right now, I need a break from my life.  I need a change of venue so to speak.  There is a lot of other "work" related stuff I can't share here to that is making my life absolutely crazy too.  

I'm just need to try and find my happy again

because

I'm

not

happy!

And The Brain Turns

 What a crazy weird week or couple of weeks.  Just been really busy with work, the easel and life in general.  Foot doctor appointment, FINALLY a pedicure, lots of grocery store orders, serious talks about the "BUSINESS,"  thinking, a LOT of thinking.  Plus I can't seem to put myself in the mood to read lately.  You know last year at this time, the beginning of shut down I was reading so much it was just crazy.  Now I can't even read the paper lately.  It's weird how that works in my strange brain.  There is a lot swimming around up in my noggin' with the possible retirement looming, Medicare sign-up next month, applying for more art shows and maybe a studio tour (if I can get my body to cooperate!)  I am dumping here because that helps to get this muck out of my brain to clear it out a bit. 

The Hubby and I have been having a lot of serious discussions about retirement, ending our business and now it's possible it could be another year in the making.  I'm okay with that because I've got my part of my work down to a good place.  If he could just let go a bit of the reins and let it function like it has been lately then he could have some more free time.  I'm not sure he can do that though.  We've got a lot of work going on now and it's hard to just stop that to go to doing NOTHING!  I know he WANTS to retire, to not do anything, not be accountable, not be on call, not be at the beck and call of customers/employees anymore, but how reasonable is that for a workaholic like he is.  So much to think about with this all and in the meantime, me, my hip.  

Last week I met with yet another doctor, but this time a podiatrist, a specialist.  I talked to my regular doctor and since the "hippy" doctor I saw didn't want to replace my hip because I'm too fat, he suggested this specialist to talk about lifts for my shoes.  As it turns out I had already been wearing an insert in the shoe of my left leg that I used to use for my plantar fasciitis a few years ago, and it was helping.  I saw the doctor and I loved him.  He was young, engaged and listened, really LISTENED to my story.  He did measurements and x-ray's and as it turns out my left leg is 3cm (about 1-1/2 inches) shorter than my right leg.  This really affects my hip, hobbling around like I have been doing.  Where this keys into the work thing is that I will eventually have to have my hip replaced, whether I'm fat or not because there is still a risk that the hip can collapse.  If that happens, there will be no other option, and I CAN'T have that happen with work.  I HAVE to be at the office at least every other Friday to do payroll.  So, I'm in a wonky place with work and my health right now.  Think I'll paint...

Fishing Reels and Painting

Time at the easel last week and I really got LOOSE!  It's what I needed to do to get back in the game.  In fact when Linda came in she loved it and said it was going to be a great painting!!!  That meant a lot to me because the week before, after my rant of being rejected by the various organizations over and over she had a bit of critique on my art.  It stung and I will go with a little of what she said but I don't agree on some of it.  I am going to continue painting what I LOVE and to the way I like to paint.  

A bit of interesting stuff came from an email from my aunt.  Her son found online info about our grandfather (her father).  My grandfather had the first  patent for Zebco's standard fishing reel.  Sadly he sold the patent rights to Zebco and a tiny TINY bit of money on the patent.  But, we do have the drawings and this info with Grandpa's name all over the stuff.  It's really very cool.