Happy Belated

Yesterday would have been Daddy's 86th birthday.  I kind of avoided thinking about it.  My girls went to the graves and put flowers on them.  That is just NOT my thing.  To me they aren't there, they are with me, in my heart.  It's hard to know that my girls went there and cried.  I know they miss their Papa tremendously, I do too and that is their way to grieve.  A LOT has transpired this past year for all of us.  We have lost way too much with him, his buddy Jay, my sweet mother-in-law, Gloria, our pets and now we are facing yet another impending loss.  

Many many years ago The Hubby's oldest brother was married for many years to Elaine, the boys (our nephews) mother.  She was my sister-in-law for a very long time but they parted and created different paths for their lives.  Sadly sweet Elaine, the aunt the girls remember very lovingly has been battling ovarian cancer for several years and heartbreakingly her battle is coming to an end soon.  It's just another huge hit for my girls to their big hearts and for us.  I think I'm staying out of the talks and remembering of those lost right now because I'm in a good place in my head and don't want to open that door again.  I'm trying to heal and grieve in my own way.  

 

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday I attended a memorial/funeral service.  Daddy's bestie, Jay passed away February 1 but because of Covid they had to wait to schedule his service until February 27.  It was a sweet, short, simple service.  Jay was Navy in his early years so they had the color guard there, two of them.  Since it was in a church there wasn't the full regalia that is sometimes a part but they did walk to the front of the room, saluted and taps played.  That ALWAYS gets me, so tears formed.  Then they took the folded flag off of the mock coffin (he was interred that morning) and unfolded the flag, turning it to the room to show then they slowly folded the flag again, saluted again, then walked the flag to Dino (Jay's son) and handed it to him, saluting again.  It was simple and beautiful and of course, tears.  

This family goes back in my memories to the very beginning.  Momma, Daddy, Jay and Helen always got together to play cards, pinochle.  Dino I think was my brother's age and their daughter was my sister's or younger.  The parents would play cards until very late in the night so they would put down pallets for us to go to sleep then be taken home later.  I can remember making tents with the sheets and one time Dino kissed me, my very first kiss.  Oh gosh, I always had a crush on Dino, think deep down I still do, but really he's more a brother to me.   The very first tattoo I ever saw was on Big Jay's arm.  I was fascinated by it and probably never saw another one until I was well into adulthood.  

Yesterday when I walked in the building the very first person I saw was Dino.  Even though we were masked I recognized him immediately and he said, "Hi Beautiful!"  Oh goodness, I can't lie, my heart fluttered a bit, but really it was love for a good guy, for a good family.  Big Jay had a giant heart to anyone he met always hugging and kissing you on the mouth, even my Daddy every time they parted.  It was so sweet.  Sadly that kissing is probably what took Jay's life because he died from complications of Covid.  I've known several people that have had Covid and survived but he's the first person that I knew who passed away.  Breaks my heart.  

The service went on with a heartfelt message from one of Dino's best friends then a scripture and a slide show.  Goodness, those photos took me back to the young years, the Jay that is so vivid in my memory and his wife Helen.  She was a beauty.  Helen passed away shortly before Momma from COPD, like Momma.  (DAMN smoking!)  There was one photo that showed Daddy, Jay, Dino, my brother, my EX-brother-in-law, and another guy, the bowling team.  Gosh, more tears.  My mask was getting soggy because I didn't have a tissue.  After that I wanted to say goodbye to Dino and waited my turn.  He grabbed me in a bear hug and started sniffling.  I told him to please keep in touch because we are family.  He then did the Big Jay thing and kissed me full on the mouth, of course with masks on...LOL.  

Goodbye Jay

Goodbye Daddy

Goodbye Momma

Goodbye Helen

 

MY Year in Review

First and most important for me was the loss of my Daddy.

Yes, there is much bigger news in the world but in my tiny world the year of Covid, the year 2020 brought about the loss of Daddy.

The loss of a parent and the loss of our old homestead and all the memories that have rushed through our conscientiousness.  It has been an unnerving year to say the least with Covid, mask wearing, virus warnings, death...EGAD...

but first and foremost for me was the last time I told Daddy, "I love you!"  

We said goodbye to Daddy and to the house that we grew up in but we are stronger as siblings than ever before.  We are still family!

It has all been a whirlwind and I can't wait for the year to finally end and hopefully we have brighter days with a vaccine in play. 

It's not been all bad because sadly for our youngest and her family, living in LA was just too scary and money wise too difficult during pandemic (HATE THAT WORD!)  So they packed it up and headed our direction.

So we get to hold this darling anytime we want now.  Get all the kisses and hugs, anytime, as long as one of of is not in quarantine.  I get to watch another granddbaby grow up.  

I will reflect back to my first post of the year, 2020 and not even realizing what was in store for us this past year.  I again was prattling on and on about losing weight, dieting, the story that never ends, me losing weight.  Of course, the dreaded pandemic set in and shut down all my ideas of working out and left us basically stranded at home, close to a kitchen and no desire to get out and about for fear of the virus.  Fear of illness, fear of spreading the contagion, fear of DEATH!  Everyone in the world has had these fears, except for the doubters who don't believe it.  I do because I have friends who have lost family members, I have family members who have caught the virus and survived.  It is real and frankly I DO NO WANT TO DIE!  So the new accessory to our daily attire is a mask, which I wear proudly.  We've learned how to shop for delivery or pick-up, take-out food on a daily basis.  Yes the world, our world has changed, probably forever.  Weight loss, dieting, frankly that is not high on my list of worries right now.  Staying healthy and alive is.  I think I'm eating better and my one foray back to the workout world led me to be possibly exposed and having things poked up my nose, Covid test.  So, I'm just staying put until more people are vaccinated at this point.  

Here's to 2021, may we start getting the world, our world back to spinning like it's supposed to be.  

Happy New Year

Wow, This Grief Thing

Wow, oh wow.  Today I had to head to the office for a short bit, then the post office, bank, and studio.  Also on the agenda was a trip to pickup groceries and then to Daddy's house.  

The drive down the expressway for some reason I had this grief thing whack me upside the head and I caught myself in tears again.  Don't know where that came from but I'm sure I was running through stuff in my head and realized I was heading to a nearly empty house again.

All these wonderful things that we gave him in his house, the remodel we did a few years ago are gone, he is gone.  That life is gone.

Oh we three kids have taken a few things but the majority of the stuff in the house is gone now.  Salvation Army came yesterday and all the bags of clothing, boxes of kitchen stuff is gone

Now we are left with a lot of dust bunnies, scraps of paper, and the few odd stuff that the SA didn't, wouldn't take.  The couch and one of his chairs are still there because sweet Susie tore them up with her claws.  The garage is full of JUNK and just greasy stuff.  The bedrooms have mattresses and more dust.  We have ordered a dumpster and it will arrive tomorrow and my nephew and his friend will haul off the rest of the stuff that is trash.  He's also going to vacuum, clean, and generally spruce the place up.  He will even clean a wall that has some marks and repaint.  I love this kid.  He has been so helpful and we will pay them for their efforts.  I've even painted his dog and cat with another cat to go for him.  

What we will be left with are memories, good and bad.  We will put the house on the market by the first of next month and it will be gone shortly after.  Life moves on and I have no regrets about what we are doing.  It will just take time to get over the grief of not having a parent anymore, none.  That is kind a scary place to be, you kind of feel lost and flapping in the wind a bit.  I know it will get better, it already has.  You have to move on, move forward with your life, you children, your grandchildren.  Bye Daddy, Bye house, we love you forever.