Wow, This Grief Thing

Wow, oh wow.  Today I had to head to the office for a short bit, then the post office, bank, and studio.  Also on the agenda was a trip to pickup groceries and then to Daddy's house.  

The drive down the expressway for some reason I had this grief thing whack me upside the head and I caught myself in tears again.  Don't know where that came from but I'm sure I was running through stuff in my head and realized I was heading to a nearly empty house again.

All these wonderful things that we gave him in his house, the remodel we did a few years ago are gone, he is gone.  That life is gone.

Oh we three kids have taken a few things but the majority of the stuff in the house is gone now.  Salvation Army came yesterday and all the bags of clothing, boxes of kitchen stuff is gone

Now we are left with a lot of dust bunnies, scraps of paper, and the few odd stuff that the SA didn't, wouldn't take.  The couch and one of his chairs are still there because sweet Susie tore them up with her claws.  The garage is full of JUNK and just greasy stuff.  The bedrooms have mattresses and more dust.  We have ordered a dumpster and it will arrive tomorrow and my nephew and his friend will haul off the rest of the stuff that is trash.  He's also going to vacuum, clean, and generally spruce the place up.  He will even clean a wall that has some marks and repaint.  I love this kid.  He has been so helpful and we will pay them for their efforts.  I've even painted his dog and cat with another cat to go for him.  

What we will be left with are memories, good and bad.  We will put the house on the market by the first of next month and it will be gone shortly after.  Life moves on and I have no regrets about what we are doing.  It will just take time to get over the grief of not having a parent anymore, none.  That is kind a scary place to be, you kind of feel lost and flapping in the wind a bit.  I know it will get better, it already has.  You have to move on, move forward with your life, you children, your grandchildren.  Bye Daddy, Bye house, we love you forever.

 

Ommmmm, Ommmmm, Ommmmmm

Sorry I have been missing but my life is just the same old thing and not much has been happening.  Work, watch Snicklefritz, eat, sleep, paint, read....the same old stuff. 

Halloween is upon us and thankfully I will be tucked safe in my bed watching TV with my porch light off.  Actually, we usually don't get any treater's which is just fine with me.  I do NOT want candy in my house.  I think The Hubby has a dance to go to and I might possibly go with him and sit in the corner and read, not dance, but I will NOT dress up.  Hated it when I was a child and still do.  

Since Halloween is here that means next up is the Thanksgiving thing.  I have got to get the family email out for our bash.  I do the turkey and dressing and everyone else brings the sides.  Works great for me.  Thanksgiving is The Hubby's favorite holiday.  I don't know if it's family, turkey or because it is hunting season but he loves it.  Christmas is my time and I love it for the decorations and parties and hubbub that goes on with it.  It's even better with a little one to share the awe of Christmas.  There is nothing more magical than Santa and toys and the look in their eyes on Christmas morning.  LOVE IT!  

All this holiday stuff being said it also means I have to deal with my sister and I'm NOT a fan with her or her family right now, except for the nephew.  That boy is an absolute jewel.  He hugs my dad, tells him he loves him and when you call for him to help he is Johnny-on-the-spot.  The kid has a moral code, knows right from wrong.  I'm not sure where he got it considering his sister but I suspect he has seen her path and has decided to go the opposite way.  Yeah for him.  

Sister, well let me tell you the latest on her.  She had her hip replaced in July but is still on temporary disability from work but now has applied for social security disability.  She says she is now diabetic, sleep apnea, has emphysema and arthritis in her lower back and of course the heart thing which she had FIXED!  That has been her whole excuse her whole life is the heart but it was fixed!  Since she is home playing on her computer, sleeping and watching TV I asked her if she could possibly go by and help Daddy with his medicare thing (she works in the insurance industry).  Her reply was "I thought sister-in-law was going to do that.  I don't know much about it." Really, SIL has her own worries with her father and IT'S NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!  Good grief, one little thing to help and no she can't.  

Okay, off my soapbox and breathe...

Ommmm, Ommmmm, OmmmmmmMMMMmmmmmMMMMMMM.....

Stubborn, Stubborn, Stubborn

Those three words are how I describe my Daddy.  Stubborn!!!  He went home yesterday from the hospital against what we knew he needed.  It was all my brother could do to get the get the guy even in the hospital in the first place.  The plan was 3-4 days in the hospital with his antibiotic infusion, then to skilled nursing for 60-90 days.  Once the plan was made the battle began and continued until he came home yesterday.  My daddy can be a very, VERY angry man.  You will often see a waving finger pointing at you and more often his fist, which he has used.  That fist was waved at the lady doctor and we had to apologize.  And the look, oh the look will buckle my knees, it's the look of an angry parent.  I am nearly 59 years old and that look still makes me quake in my boots.  On Sunday Bro and I both got phone calls from the hospital social worker telling us that he was going to go home with the pic line and needed to have the infusion done every 12 hours and that it would take an hour or so each.  Asked if we could do it, that he said "Carla can swing by to do it!"  No Carla can not.  He had the nerve to tell Bro that we kids needed to "Step Up."  What in the world does he think we have been doing.  Daddy will be 80 in August and he pretty much has his mind, angry and all, and mostly his health.  He still goes and goes when he wants to.  He is now home with home health care coming every 24 hours because the doctor knuckled and changed the protocol of meds to allow him to go home.  The HHC will only be there for two weeks because of insurance but they will teach him how to change the bag of meds.  Okay, really.  I told Bro that the next time this happens Daddy probably won't tell us, I can guarantee it.  I told Daddy at the hospital yesterday that I was leaving on Sunday for Scottsdale Artist School and would be gone for a week.  His response was, "well, we'll see!" Like I'm NOT going.  He is home with two good siblings to fill in and I have planned this for 6 months.  I am going!!!!!!!  It's funny, Daddy tells all three of us kids different things.  He plays us on each other too.  Not cool Daddy.  Taking a page from his mother's playbook and that was nasty.  He told Sis that he didn't have long to live.  He tells Bro that he can live on his own, that Carla can take of it all.  When he sees me he starts saying he can live with me.  NO!  Not happening Daddy.  I grew up with that anger and not going to live with it again.  Daddy has been hanging around with his childhood best friend again and although I love the guy, Jay has a very nasty mouth on him, a bigoted nasty mouth.  Well, Daddy has started emulating that and it is not pretty.  I think even the anger is being enhanced by it.  

Oh gosh, I am rambling but it is good to vent here and let it go!  Thanks for reading.  

You're As Young As You Feel

I have always said that I don't feel like I am whatever age I was at that time.  Today I am 58 but I certainly don't feel like I am 58, I feel more like I am still in my 40's.  I just saw a thing on AOL about aging, some kind of study about basically the phrase, "You're as young as you feel." That has been my mantra for many years and this new British study backs up that phrase, and to living longer.  My Daddy is a perfect example of that because when he hit his 50's he basically shut down his business (the oil thing did it) and sat in his chair and retired from life.  I guess he told himself that he was old.  Oh my goodness, you just can't do that, but that is what he did, and I think it took a toll on him.  Yes, yes, he will be 80 this summer but it has been an agonizingly long 30 years of him telling himself that he is old.  I still like to listen to head banging music, rock-n-roll.  I don't do roller skating or climbing mountains and stuff but I do try to stay up with current world things, like the computer, TV, the world.  I help chase around a 2 year old, I work, I read, I paint...I love life, "You're as young as you feel."  Here, here!

Also, side note, finished up the 30 painting challenge...

Parent Health

Finally, a wonderful sign that SPRING HAS SPRUNG here in my world!  Next week I plan on planting potatoes, onions and lettuce in my freshly tilled garden space.  

I've been out of pocket a bit this week because I've had just A LOT ON MY PLATE!  I'm in the middle of our class reunion planning and I have the address list.  Well, that stupid address list would NOT print out labels for me so I had to retype close to 350 names and addresses into MS Word to print labels.  Oh my goodness my arms, especially after arm workout yesterday...EEK!  Tonight we slap labels on Save The Date postcards at my house.  

Sunday I also stopped by Daddy's to see how he is doing.  I knew he was not feeling up to snuff lately and he still was feeling icky.  He had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I asked if he wanted me to go with him and he said YES.  He is very worried about what is going on with him.  He has absolutely no energy to even shave.  That has me scared.  He also is concerned that he might have cancer!  OH GOSH!  So Tuesday morning I took him to his doctor, a new one and I really like the guy.  It was supposed to be just a check up but after he told the doc his concerns and issues they started running tests.  The doctor seems to think that on one of his walks around the block about a month ago, when the weakness set in, he possibly had a mild heart attack!  WHAT!  For some stupid reason that did not even cross my mind but makes sense.  They did take blood, x-ray's and EKG but want more tests of which they will call me to set up.  As of today they have not called.  If by Monday afternoon they still have not called I will call the office!  With some more meds to take and emergency nitroglycerin tablets we wait.  He's also giving me some cause to worry about his mind and money but that's a whole other story.  

Daddy Update.

Brother and I have taken turns and spent time together during the days with Daddy at the hospital since Tuesday.  They did a CAT scan on Wednesday and yesterday they informed us that he definitely had a small stroke.  They still don't know what is causing the fever, and he's having horrendous headaches but that may be the stroke.  We left yesterday afternoon when the rehab people came in to assess his capabilities so we're not sure how the legs are working but he was flailing them a lot in the ER on Tuesday trying to get comfortable on the bed after about 7 hours.  They only thing we can detect is a bit of confusion sometimes but that only comes up when the fever comes up.  The doctor said that could be part of the stroke too but just don't know.  Daddy told us and the doctors that he was sick for 4 days with fever and had not eaten for the 4 days and I was sure that was what caused the weakness, but...last night I talked to his neighbor and he told me that Daddy was standing out back by the fence yakking to him on Sunday night for about 30 minutes.  Hmmmm, makes me think he is saying this stuff about "4 days of being sick" because of the stroke and that he can't remember.  Makes much more sense.  He's always been kind of liberal with any kind of information, stretching the truth, and such it just seems a bit more wild.  We have to remember this when he tells us stuff and not take anything he says literally.  Anyway, he's still in the hospital at least till Monday when they determine if it's rehab at home or at a center.