Solitude...well maybe!

I’m sitting here in our wonderful cabin by a roaring fire listening to Christmas music - Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas, Peter Mayer’s Stars and Promises, and Chris Botti’s December. I’ve been drinking Swiss Chocolate Almond Coffee, on my couch, in my pajama’s, watching my bird feeder swing back and forth with black capped chickadee’s, purple house finches, and gold finches. I don’t have to do anything until dinner tonight at 6pm for Thanksgiving at the lake.

Finally a day to myself...a weekend to myself. I can’t believe all my planning to no avail and then this weekend just fell into my lap. The Hubby has decided to go deer hunting today and then tonight enjoy a fireworks show and laser light show to celebrate Oklahoma’s Centennial. I’m not particularly fond of fireworks and so here I sit throughly enjoying the peace and quiet.

Last night I watched TV and played solitaire on my laptop (no Internet here) till I nodded off about 9 pm. I padded off to bed leaving the TV on (timer to go off-HELLO, I’m at the lake in the woods by myself) and was asleep very quickly.

I awoke this morning and realized how very quiet it was. I opened my eyes to look at the clock and saw 6:57 am. Wow, I haven’t slept like that in awhile. 4:30 am is my usual wake up for work out. I think I would have stayed in bed if the potty wasn’t beckoning me. I lay there looking out the window at the tops of the bare trees, at the gray sky hoping for sunshine. Fall is here and the trees are naked. A bushy tailed squirrel ran along a branch with a huge acorn in his mouth. Funny little guys that play and chase each other round and round the trees. I rolled out of bed and trudged to the living room to stoke the fire.

What a life. “Living The Life of Reilly,” my mother used to say. No kidding. Who would have thought 31 years ago (Jan 2007) when The Hubby and I married that we would be in this position in our lives. We were young, 19 years old, probably not $500 in the bank, living in an apartment with used broken down furniture that was given to us. The television we watched was a hand-me-down from my grandmother that gave everyone green faces. We budgeted everything and spent Saturday afternoons at the laundrymat doing our laundry together.

We now have our own business, own the building, own 2 homes, raised two beautiful daughters, have tons of friends, and are blissfully happy. What more could a person ask for.

Wow, I’m getting nostalgic. I have to stop that or I’ll want to go home today. I’ve been trying to write a short story or something but just can’t seem to get my mind on writing fiction today.

I’m supposed to be reading a book for book club called The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant but just can’t get there either. I bought a book Thursday called The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup, M.D. and WOW what an eyeopener. I didn’t even make it through the introduction before I was underlining with my pencil. THAT IS WHY I’M FEELING THE WAY I DO SOMETIMES. It’s was like I had written the book or she was reading my thoughts and feelings. She talks about how “for most women, identity and self-esteem are generated by our associations and relationships.” She goes on to say that “men, by contrast, usually get most of their identity and self-esteem from the outer world...” Totally have felt that. One paragraph on page 4 talks about women who are the age and area I am finding themselves either turning to the old ways of nurturing the hubby (like the children), caretaker at the expense of their own needs, pushing the need to pursue their own creative passions. And then she goes on to talk about a husband saying “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” WHAT!!!! I have so totally heard those exact words come out of The Hubby’s mouth.

Page 6, and I will quote Dr. Northrup, “The dilemma for me and women everywhere is that we often feel guilty about self-revelation, because by being true to ourselves and our own feelings, we feel that we are betraying others, especially family members.”

That was a powerful statement for because I have very often felt this way, especially lately. Dr. Northrup’s book I think will help me deal with these feelings I am going through right now. My year has been fraught with MAJOR upheavals in my life.

My Time Line:
January-Became Empty Nester
March-Best Friend Died
June-Turned 50 and Dog Died
July-Mother Died

These are major occurrences that by themselves can be handled but I’ve been hit with all at once along with the peri-menopause symptoms on top of them. I guess I can deal with all of this and probably come out on the other side a new and improved Me. What doya say. I say YES!


P.S. Sunday...Well, my peace and solitude was short lived. The Hubby came to the oasis away from home last night after the celebration. He fell asleep on the couch so I still had the king size bed to myself.

Up at 4 am

I was startled awake at 4 am this morning by my cell phone playing its tune in the living room, in my purse. I stumbled to the elusive purse and dug my phone out to see that I missed the call. I knew who it was from though, out 21 year old daughter, #2. I quickly rang #2 back to see what was up. She is in California, on her own (with a roommate), trying to live her dream. She answered and was crying. I didn't panic but was afraid she had been hurt or in a car accident or something bad. She sobbed that she had messed up and was afraid and boy was my mind working overtime. I made my way to a back bathroom to try to calm her down so her father wouldn't wake up but that was not to happen. I heard him coming and told him she was alright even though I wasn't sure yet. I finally got her calmed down and found out she and her roomate had been drinking. She has just finished her internship as an audio engineer and now comes the job of trying to find a job. Her problem is she's not sure about that and since she is woman in male dominated field her road is already proving difficult. She's already dealing with leacherous old men, drugs, and the glass ceiling and is frightened so far away from home and Momma and Daddy. She's also dealing with the death of our friend, our dog and my mother. A lot has happened in our and her life this year and being so far away from makes it harder to deal with. I finally got her calmed down and then had to deal with The Hubby when I padded my way back to bed.

Since it was time to get up and get ready for workout I just went ahead and got ready but I also had to deal with the questions from the Hubby. He couldn't understand her calling in the middle of the night for one thing. I said she was drinking and he immediately thought "drinking", like a problem with alcohol. NO! That's not what I meant. She was drunk. Man he can go off the deep end very quick. I explained she was just having a meltdown triggered but the drinking and just needed to talk to her Momma. I have no problem being Mom and the ear she needs to lean on. Then he went off on he thought she needed to move back home (not our house mind you) and go to the junior college because she'll never get anywhere without a college education..yada,yada,yada. I went off AGAIN! What's the deal with this. We have managed VERY successfully without college educations (I have one now). We have gone down the path of college for her and it is a waste of time and money on both parts. She HATES school. It was all I could do to keep her in high school much less college. I hated getting so angry that early in the morning but he is "One Note Charlie" on this subject.

Beside all of this I'm very worried about my child and her future and her well being and her decisions. I don't need him harranging me about her right now. She will be OK, she just has to tap into what got her to this point in her life right. She has to use her passion and desire and determination to proceed for her dream. We will be behind her up to a point and she knows this. She feels very guilty about still using our money but she has no choice since she is driven. While we are able financially and she is young I am very behind her and I'll fight for her to reach her dreams...to a point.

Another blah day in Tulsy Town

I am again sitting at my desk waiting for 4 o'clock to roll around so I can have an excuse to LEAVE this office. What a blah day with nothing and I mean NOTHING to do all day long. I've been sitting at this closed in, windowless office since 8:30 AM piddling at my desk. I paid a few bills, logged in a few payments after the mailman FINALLY showed up, took a couple of phone calls and just have been sitting here all day long. No wonder my backside is flat and wide. When you do nothing all day long but sit on the damn thing it has nothing to do but go flat and wide.

I have made a decision, of which I really can't put to use till probably January. I am putting my foot down, actually slamming it down with The Hubby. I am going to take a day off every week. I think Wednesdays would be nice. I will sit him down, look lovingly into his baby green's and tell him that for my sanity and my backside I'm taking one day off EACH and EVERY WEEK. There will also be some ground rules. I can do whatever I want to do and he CANNOT call me on my cell phone or anywhere, only in the event of death or someone bleeding somewhere can he interupt my day. That also goes for him NOT showing up at home unannounced. If he knows I'm home he either calls with a serviceman upon the doorstep, or he forgot I need to type something at the office he forgot about or someone needs RIGHT THEN, or he just has to see if I'm doing what I say I'm going to do. Example: "I'm going to stay home and unpack the rest of the moving boxes." An hour into the project he shows up with his exercise bag. I ask, "What are you doing here." He says, "Oh, I was just driving by and stopped by, for lunch. What have you gotten done."!!!!!!!WHAT!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

I love the guy but we have lived together for almost 31 years and worked in our business together for 27 years. I need a break. Every evening, everyday, every weekend ...I need some space from the intensity of togetherness. I have told him this and I think he gets it sometimes but sometimes he is like a wounded puppy and asks if I don't like to spend time with him. ARGHHHHHHH!!!Come on man, back off some PLEASE.

WHEW, sorry all who have to read about my rants but when I have that much time on my hands I get a little crazy. Wish me luck with "The Talk".....

Boy, Have I Got News

Boy, have I got news. Our 27 year old daughter finally told us a couple of months ago that she is dating a guy that she really likes. This is the FIRST time she has EVER brought a man into our midst since high school. She really likes him, but wait...more news is on the horizon. The girly has sprung on us that he is going to move to our hometown and they are going to buy a house "TOGETHER". I'm sooo very excited for her although I am not a fan of "living together" I support her. I'm kind of an old fashioned girl getting ready to celebrate 31 years of wedded bliss. The Hubby was surprisingly OK with this. I was very shocked by his reaction. I've been on him for years to quit dictating her life and I found him shooting my words back at me. My only concern is that my Daddy will not be very pleased with the situation and especially since I don't think he likes the new guy much. Uh Oh! I did hear through the grapevine though that it probably won't be till next summer and that they might be married by then...WHAT!!!!! This Mom is always the last to know her business.

My New Toy!

The house is full of the wonderful smells of deer and elk jerky. The aroma of spices and smoke permeate the air to the point of making you choke. The Hubby has decided to dig out last years game from the deep freeze so he can fill it up again and since I won't eat the stuff unless it is summer sausage or jerky, well the dehydrator is just a whirring away in the garage.

I usually leave my windows open when I park in the garage but this morning when I jumped in the Tahoe and pulled out of the garage the smell of jerky followed me...ALL DAY LONG! My car may never be the same.

Since jerky is at the fore thought of The Hubby's mind, yesterday he came upon a meat grinder thingy that you attach to a Kitchen Aid Mixer at a garage sale for $5.00. He was very happy with himself. Then he realized he needed the mixer part so he tried to find a used one on EBAY. STOP------I do not want a used mixer. I told him I have ALWAYS wanted a red Kitchen Aid Mixer NEW! I have been using a $5.00 hand helf mixer for over 20 years and was waiting for the perfect kitchen in which to put on and NOW since I have the perfect red kitchen, well, I wasn't going to have a used one. So, today he went shopping and then ended up back home and got online. When I returned home he informed me he bought one online, RED, and was very proud of himself. Me too. I'm excited to start baking again.

Way too soon!

I can't believe it is almost time for Thanksgiving and CHRISTMAS! It is just way too soon for the holidays. I'm not even ready literally and emotionally. It will be a hard time for me because Thanksgiving Day is when Momma first really started going downhill. In fact, she and Daddy left our house right after the turkey dinner and headed home but were soon on their way to the hospital of which she had an upper respiratory thing going on. Now that I look back we knew it was close to the end. Seemed like it was a roller coaster ride after that.

Oh well, I need to make plans for a better year. Yeah, that's the ticket! I'm planning a huge Christmas party at our wonderful new house and look forward to an all out bash! So much to do that my mind won't have time to ponder the sadness, I hope. Wish me well all....toodles.....

A Difficult Day

I have had a difficult day today and actually a difficult week. Last week I had to go and pick out and order the marker for my Momma's grave. YUCK! What a horrible task I have been chosen to do. Today I finally got the check from my grandmothers trust to pay for it and so I thought I would got to Momma's grave. I DON'T LIKE to do that sort of thing but there I was wandering around that stupid cemetery looking for a fairly fresh dug grave. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the markers trying to find it, even with a stupid map. Finally, I figured the map out and lo and behold there it was. I knew it because she is buried next to her mother and father. Actually, she is next to her beloved father, her best friend. I stood over her very green plot and cried. I HATE doing cemeteries. I can't believe I stood there and did that. (I want to be cremated and scattered please.) I'm having another bad week I guess because Daddy has taken that trip halfway across the US and then the financial stuff, including the stupid marker. I hate it that when something needs to be done I GET TO DO IT! I hate being the responsible one ALL THE TIME!

Then I find out that my Thanksgiving plans for the USUAL festivities at our house may have a big hitch in them. There is a tentative family reunion for The Hubby's side of the family 100 miles away. I have been the Turkey Day Hostess for the past 20 + years and I DON'T want to stop that, especially since both of my kiddos are probably not going to be here and it will be the first holiday since Momma died for my family. I am really perturbed at the whole situation. I need some semblance of normalcy this year since the first part of the year was so f*****ed up. Sorry, I'm really angry about the whole situation and I don't think The Hubby truly understands. I actually kind of snapped at him at dinner and he was taken aback for a minute. I think HE thinks that I should be over all this by now but for goodness sake it was my MOTHER, MY BEST FRIEND, and our sweet PUPPY that have left this earth and I am devastated. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need time to deal with it and heal.

Whew!

Well, my Daddy took his trip. 71 years old and I was on pins and needles the day he decided to drive himself 1,000 miles to see his Sis. As the time for his trip approached I helped him get his financial affairs in order...just in case. You just never know and since it has been so soon after Momma's death I just needed to get it organized for my own peace of mind. Anyway, last Thursday morning he took off. I got a call at about 5:30 pm our time and he had driven 649 miles that day. I couldn't believe it. He said he was so bushed he didn't feel like eating. I panicked a little and told him he HAD to eat. He reassured me that he brought his Ensure's and was OK. The next evening The Hubby and I were at our lake retreat and around 7 pm I suddenly realized I had not heard from ANYBODY whether he had reached his destination yet. I immediately started the phone calling and was on the verge of utter and total panic when I finally got hold of my Sis and she said he was sitting with his sister visiting and reminiscing and totally lost track of time. The first WHEW! I knew he would enjoy his time with his Sis. Now we had to worry again when he would hit the road back home. I got a call Monday evening from my Sis to tell me that Daddy was again on the road. Yesterday my mind was preoccupied with thinking and worrying about him on the road by himself. I just could not take losing my Daddy so soon after Momma. Last night, Halloween, I was relaxing home after work and waited to call him about 6:30, HOORAY! He answered the phone. The second big WHEW! Daddy was Mr. Chatty Cathy about his trip although I could hear the exhaustion in his voice and the sadness. Daddy's sister is older than him, 78 and in terrible health. It had been about 8 years since he had seen her. Her husband is also in horrible health so I think my Daddy realized that it would be the last time he would see them, again reinforcing the fact that Momma was also gone.

It's a total fact that regardless of what we do with diet, exercise, or plastic surgery death is a fact of life. We can try to disguise it but trust me the mirror lies and your mind and eyes lie to you. I look in the mirror every morning after I've done the face painting and think, "Hey, not bad." The fact is the mind sometimes deceives itself. We had family pictures done the other day and I thought I looked pretty good that day, NOT! We got the proofs and amazingly enough I saw fat, wrinkles, skin changes and I HATED it. What has happened to my body and face. I'm not ready to be old yet old is staring me in the face every time I look in a mirror.

Sorry, for being a downer. Just having a bad day I guess.....

Fun Pictures

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What party are you!

This morning as I was driving to Jazzercise...(5 am) I was listening to the local radio talk show about political parties. They were talking to Lou Dobbs, (anchor and managing editor of CNN's hour-long weeknight program Lou Dobbs Tonight, an editorial columnist, and host of a syndicated radio show,) about a book he had written, War on the Middle Class: How the Government, Big Business, and Special Interest Groups Are Waging War on the American Dream and How to Fight Back . Mr. Dobbs was talking about changing his party affiliation to Independant. This sparked my mind to think about my party affiliation.

Many, many years ago when I registered to vote some 32 years ago I naively went to the tag office with my best friend and began to fill out the form to register. The lady asked me what party and I stood dumbfounded. I really didn't know what party to affiliate myself with. I had never even thought about that. I knew I watched the news and had opinions about Nixon and the Viet Nam War and peace and hunger and so forth but being a Republican or Democrat or even an Independant was not in my vocabulary at that time. I thought about my parents and boldly stated "Republican" since I was sure that was what my parents were. I have been a card carrying Republican for 32 years and about 10 years ago I had a discussion with my parents about an election and was absolutely stunned to find out that my parents were Democrats. Did I really never talk politics with them before. In fact my parents were/are staunch Democrats and then the discussion got very heated. Wow, how did I not know.

The Hubby is also a Republican like myself and that totally happened by accident that we were the same party. He, in fact, is a Straight Ticket Republican which I feel is a waste of a vote. You vote like that then you don't take the time to really get to know the candidates or the issues at hand or platforms. I vote all over the place.

The discussion on the radio this morning made me again think about changing my party affiliation. I am not happy with the Republicans or the Democrats. I am so disatisfied with all the hollering and bickering that goes on between the parties and I think they get nothing done except try to be King of the Mountain. It's very boring all the ads on television and in print and by the time the real elections come around no one really cares anymore, they just want it over.

Maybe I'll just take a little car ride to the county election board and do just that but even then I really don't want to be a party, I just want to vote the way I want to vote without being labeled. We label everything in this country. That's just what we do and it gets us NOWHERE!

Check this out...

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 2 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

What a Morning!

What a morning I've had. Actually, my interesting day started yesterday. I had to go to Daddy's and have him sign and have notarized and witnessed, his new trust, will, living will, etc....That done we boogied back to the house to find my Sis pulling up in the driveway (why wasn't she at work). We walked into the house and she said she just got a call from the man who is the trustee of our Granny's trust. He was on his way over to divy out the moola. See, my Granny did not like my dad and so the trust was there to take care of Momma's medical needs if needed. Since she is now gone the trust disolves and is given to my Bro, Sis and I. We had decided to invest the money and save it just in case we needed it for Daddy. Unfortunately, my Sis has become a little greedy. Yes, yes, yes, it is not a lot of money but it is found money and doesn't have to come out of our back pocket to take care of Daddy when/if we need it later. She wants to buy living room furniture and book tickets for Disneyland/world (not sure which). I was apalled but, I know my Sis. Anyway, I think Daddy was persuasive enough to her that she at least put half of it in a CD for a year. YEAH! I was glad for that.

Back to my day. I went to the bank first thing this morning and put mine in CD's, interest bearing accounts for at least 3 years and will just forget about it. I was very proud of myself. While I was there, because we qualify for it, I changed our personal accounts to interest bearing too. I felt very impowered today doing all this business/financial stuff w/o The Hubby. Well, why should I worry he hasn't written a check on the personal account in probably 15 years. He was pretty pleased after I got through to the fog he was dealing with in his brain. He thought I had switched our savings around and this and that and I had to say WHOA! It's ok I just did some good stuff. Wow, he can sure go 0 to 60 pretty quick when it is dealing with money.

Man, I have a headache. Could be the dry air already and dry leaves that have descended upon Oklahoma. I woke up with a headache and it just keeps on pounding away. Have to have a nap today...really...

I Survived

I survived a weekend away. The drive North was three and a half hours of constant chatter by the Mom-in-Law. I love her to death and couldn't have paid for a better M-in-L. The constant talk kept The Hubby awake for the drive. This was a weekend of in-laws. We had very interesting conversations about sex...yes I said sex with my Mom-in-Law. That little chat was quite an eye opener and I learned stuff I didn't really want to know. We also ate tons of food and had a day of shopping along with a very full meal at Cheesecake Factory. The 2 pounds I lost this past month is definitely back on. I also got to cuddle the new great niece...WOW what fun, she is beautiful.

The downside of the weekend was a trip to the Bro-in-Law's church per his request to have all of his family there for a birthday present. WHATEVER!!!! I DID NOT WANT TO GO but I was coerced by the hubby (his bro) to do this favor without making a face or a scene. It was a sleepy time and I HATED it and told The Hubby NEVER AGAIN! After church Bro-in-Law took all of us 9 adults and 2 children out for lunch. The drive there he informed us he had been called to help build 17 churches in his lifetime. WHAT! Now he's getting messages from God telling him stuff...at least that is what he inferred. My mouth fell open and I realized he could see me in the rearview mirror. Quickly I shut my mouth and covered my eyes so the rolling was not obvious. In my head I thought, "OK, he's finally gone off the deep end." Why is it when some people get "old" they seem to think they need to turn to religion and faith to get into heaven. I have been in this family for nearly 31 years and NEVER did he EVER show a sign of having a religious bone in his body. All of a sudden he's totally involved in a church and everything that can entail. I DON'T like religion cramed down my throat. I felt the whole weekend was all about that and I told The Hubby that I would not have any part of that again. I don't mind going to visit but I have to draw the line. I have reached the age in my life that I will not be bullied and pushed around to do things I do not like to do or believe in.

Whew, I feel better. That was a ramble wasn't it.

On the Road Again

Tomorrow I will be traveling North with The Hubby and his mother. Three and a half hours in a car. I really don't like traveling much and I will probably have to sit in the backseat to allow his Momma to sit in the front for the room since I'm short and can handle it. Maybe I'll drive since we will be taking MY car. I can only hope but I doubt it. Oh well, here's to a fun weekend with the inlaws and a first see of our great niece. Later all and can't wait till dinner next week.......

Woo Hoo

Woo Hoo Wild Turkey and Coke....yum...I'm feeling no pain in the middle of the week. I'm a little sad because my baby girl is back in Californina...I was so nervous about her flying and apparently it was a very bad flight to Denver for her. I felt bad she was by herself. I miss my baby. Just wait until your baby moves halfway across the continent. It is so hard to get to a point in parenthood where you family is split apart by miles...not love. I love my girls and my The Hubby. OK... the turkey and coke is affecting me.

The Story so far.....

The cars whizzed past as she walked along the dark busy highway this September morning. It had begun to rain and the dark asphalt road gave way to the release of dirt and automobile oil that was imbedded in its cracks. The moisture and grime from the road pelted her body as cars sped by whipping her wet skirt in the man-made breeze.

It was late summer, but fall was in the air as she clutched her thin cashmere sweater closely around her shoulders to ward off the chill. Trudging slowly along, cars honked a warning at her to keep out of the way, but she walked on shifting her knapsack as if not hearing.

How did she come to be here along this miserable stretch of thoroughfare in the rain? Only a few days earlier 23 year old Deidra Connolly was happy and snug in her own tiny world.


The sound of a drill was echoing in her mind as Deidra was waking up one August morning. Rolling over toward the irritating sound, she realized that her alarm was going off and invading her dreams. Sluggishly, she threw her arm over to hit the alarm. She lay on her back half awake enjoying the sound of a soft gentle rain on the roof not wanting to get out of her soft warm bed. The smell of coffee drifted through the room enticing her stomach to rumble. Finally, yawning and stretching she obeyed the rumblings coming from her empty stomach and padded down the dim hallway into the small kitchen as the automatic coffee maker sputtered out the last dribbling of fresh brewed coffee.

She poured herself a coup of the dark brew and added milk to cool it off and then shuffled to the front door to see if the morning paper was there. Unchaining and then unlocking the deadbolt Deidra cautiously opened the apartment door and looked out as she leaned over to pick up the morning paper. She quickly darted back in and shut the door so as not to be seen in her nightshirt. Her neighbor from across the hall was a burly, but not a bad looking man by the name of Ralph Salt. He caught her once before in her pajamas and felt uncomfortable with the half smile he gave her.

Walking back to the kitchen she passed the living room mirror and vogued flipping her long strawberry blonde hair. Her violet blue eyes were surrounded by yesterday’s mascara rings making her decide that looking in a mirror this early in the morning was not a good idea. Going back to sit at the kitchen table Deidra gazed around the room not believing she was this lucky to have a wonderful place to live and such a fantastic job to help pay for it. It had been a year since the opportunity of a lifetime had fallen into her lap.

She had been a waitress in the 24 hour Brookhouse Café and was getting nowhere since dropping out of college. Being a waitress was the worst job she had ever had and it looked as it would be all she would ever do. Jobs were scarce and she had no prospects for any leads when in walked Jonathan Bragg. He was a tall, slender but muscular man who walked with authority in his step. Deidra was in such awe by his good looks that she dropped a plate of the meatloaf and mashed potato special on the stained linoleum floor.

Jonathan Bragg was a very handsome man with dark hair, highlighted by the sun and light hazel eyes. His tan and chiseled face crinkled as he smiled at Deidra revealing perfect white teeth and two slight dimples punctuating his square jaw line. She knew when their eyes met that he was the one for her.

"Darn, he’s sitting in your station," said Emma, snapping her gum as she brushed by Deidra, her arms laden with plates of the cafe’s specials.

Emma had been at the Brookhouse Café for 20 years and looked like it too. She was 43 years old, never married, but was always looking. Emma had plenty of beaus but none ever stayed long. Her curly bottle-red ponytail bounced as she made her way gracefully around the tables and chairs to deliver the hot plates.

Deidra took a deep breath and started toward the broad shoulders in the booth. She felt like she was moving in slow motion, through a haze of cigarette smoke, the distant clanging of thick glass dinner plates and the hum of low voices as she finally reached her destination.

"Hi", she weakly said as he looked into her violet eyes.

He opened his mouth to speak and out came a loud crash. Deidra jumped as she realized it was thunder. She had drifted off into an early morning daydream of Jonathan, which was her favorite past time lately. She leaned over to pet her cat and constant companion, Mr. Perkins as he rubbed around her ankles purring loudly. She found the scrawny yellow male tabby digging in the garbage cans behind the café a year earlier and rescued him. Mr. Perkins, named for Deidra’s favorite teacher in high school, was all that Deidra had until Jonathan came into her life.

Her father died when she was 13 from a heart attack. He left Deidra and her mother little except for bills and creditors nagging for money. Her mother worked cleaning houses while Deidra made her way through school. Deidra’s mother would not let her get a job except to babysit once in a while because it was so important for her to get good grades and go to college. Her mother worked so hard that the day after Diedra’s high school graduation she didn’t wake up the next morning.

Deidra tried to go to college but with what little money was put away and the few small scholarships she was able to get the money just didn’t last. It was just too hard to go to school and work, so the café was where Deidra landed. She told herself that when she got a little money put away that she could go back but that was two years ago.

Off to Paradise

Well, we (as in The Hubby and I) are taking off early today for that little piece of paradise we call the cabin. He has decided that he has been so stressed with work that he needs a rest. I totally understand but....well, as in previous posts I have been going through some stuff and when I got back from the girls weekend at Paradise...he seemed to think that since I had a great time that all my worries were past me. That I should be over my depression. Happy go lucky...just like he likes me....WHAT!!!!! My mother died as I watched 3 months ago. One of my very best friends died 7 months ago and we lost our little dog 4 months ago. PLUS, our youngest daughter is now living in LA without a job (only an internship) and I'm supposed to be over it.....!!!!!!!! Well, he has another thing coming if he thinks I'm over it. Depression doesn't just go away after a little weekend. Time will heal but I still have my bad days like anyone else who goes through what I have gone through this year.

OK, I've stopped ranting and raving. I'm just going to go to our little bit of paradise and relax and try not to be angry. A glass of wine, a good book, and a beautiful hammock will help. Toodles....

What a day.

Yesterday I finally cleaned out and around my desk area at the office. I had a deadline and a goal. We had a guy here taking pic's for our new company website so I had to clean. It really wasn't bad and I feel better about my office area. Of course the stuff I cleaned out and boxed up went straight home to my home office which I'm still trying to organize from the move. What's a few more boxes to add to the mix.

Today was the picture taking. YUCK. I hate to have my picture taken and here I was sitting at my desk smiling into a camera lense. What's so bad is that tonight we, as a family are having family pic's made at the local park. Talk about stress! My two beautiful grown daughters (the youngest just barely 21) are trying to figure out what to wear and then "The Hubby" gets into the act. We had decided to wear dark blue jeans with black sweaters or shirts and then Mr. Style shoots down our idea and really throws a kink into the plan. If he would just trust me and my stylish daughters we would have it done but oh no he has to stir the pot, especially with the youngest. She's kind of difficult to navigate anyway and now this. I can guarantee it won't be smooth sailing this evening. I keep you posted.

I Like Poetry

Here are two of my poems, one of which was published in 2003. Enjoy...

Hunting Season

Quiet
Crows cawing in the distance
Leaves crisply rustling in the trees
Wind coldly whistling past red ears
Breath hanging in the air from blue lips
A distant gunshot echos
Hunting season is here.

by crh...published 2003 - copyright 2003
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Boredom

Boredom
What to do
Twiddle my thumbs
Tap my nails on the desk
Hum a few lines of my favorite tune
My mind whirring as many thoughts fly by
Too many thoughts to deal with
Ah, now there is nothing but emptiness
Starring off into space
Complete abandonment of thought
Boredom

by crh - copyright 2003

Refreshed and ready to go.

I am refreshed and ready to go. We just got back from the girls weekend and boy do I feel better. It is so nice to get away from it "ALL" and just be with your girlfriends and vent and paint your nails and talk and dance and vent and eat and laugh and vent and walk and drink and visit and vent..... Yes we did all that and more. It amazes me how we women so need that kind of companionship, at least most women. We need the company of fellow women to renew our spirit and ready us for the rest of the "day" so to speak. I feel rejunvinated and ready to finish out the rest of the year. I just didn't think I could get through another day with the office, the hubby and my life right now. I was so bumbed out but this weekend allowed me to refuel myself.

So the buzz words are: refresh, renew, rejuvinate, and refuel. Yup, that's just what I did this weekend and I hope my girlfriends were also able to find those words in their vocabulary after our excursion. Cheers.....