Melancholia

Good morning.  It's a beautiful morning with the sun blasting through the windows.  Thanksgiving is over and the rush that is Christmas is on.  The past several years I try to get the decorations up the weekend after Turkey day and yesterday the girls, all of them helped to make it happen.  I so appreciate and LOVE my girls, all of my girls.  I am truly blessed.

I just can't physically drag all the boxes and manhandle the tree anymore, at least this year.  Hopefully next year, with a new hip I will be a new woman and able to accomplish.  Not last year and probably not the year before but I have tried to have my sweet MIL, Gloria and bro-in-law and his hubby over for dinner and to help too with this task.  I tried to make it a tradition.  It's sad that this year Gloria is not here to enjoy the season she loved so much.  I could almost hear her humming Christmas carols while choosing the right branch to hang an ornament.  

I fixed spaghetti for all (vegan versions too) and we all ate before the real decorating began.  I have a fully little flashing light necklace that little Min found and ran into the kitchen with it twinkling around her neck saying, "look Granny."  Oh the sparkle in her eye.  She had such a fun time and Snicklefritz is such a huge helper.  She spent the night after everyone went home and we watched the last of Santa Clause 3 before bedtime with a promise of cocoa in the morning with her chocolate chip waffles.  

I just feel so bad that I can't really participate as much as I used to in the decorating but I sat on the walker and hung ornaments to the best of my ability last night.  At one point Af found the stockings and there was the felt one that Momma made me so very many years ago.  She held it up and, "do you want to hang it, I think you should."  OMG, I just choked.  This sadness just fell over me out of nowhere and I started to cry.  I just shook my head no.  I couldn't see it this year.  I seem to really be missing my momma lately, a lot and not sure why.  Could be that with losing my "other" momma that is driving this melancholia.  Plus knowing I may have a surgery coming, hoping I do at least.  I'm also quite aware of the things I just can't do right now.  I want to bake fruitcake, host a Christmas party, shop, wrap presents, DECORATE!  It's just a lot around the holidays I think.  Maybe if I didn't hurt most of the time when I move.  I know it will pass, I just move forward everyday and time does heal.  

What I look forward to is see the babies, their eyes, their love, their joy and awe of the season.  That drives me for sure.  I do love the season and it will be okay.