Yesterday I turned 51 years old. How in heavens did time pass so fast that I am over 50 now. I remember when my parents turned 36. My 51st birthday was a very low key birthday which for some reason all my birthdays tend to be low key. I guess I'm just not a "wild and crazy gal." Anyway, it was nice. I had nice cards, a few gifts from the Jazzercise girls, lots of phone calls and dinner out to my favorite sushi restaurant plus a couple of Cosmo's. I so do not want to be old....NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT...that is why I slather my face with creams, color my hair to be the eternal blonde. I'm going into this second half of my life kicking and screaming.
This morning, not unlike every other morning of my boring life, as I was blow drying my hair I was again thinking about my dear friend Gail who passed away last year. Gail was a month younger than I am and never got to turn 50 or 51 and deal with this stuff. I ofter wonder about her sudden death and about how she lived her life. I mean, one minute she was laughing and in conversation and then the next she was dead. Did she think about whether she was happy with her life and how it was going. Was she prepared. Prepared, I'm not even sure I understand that word in this blog but prepared in lots of different ways. Gail was the one who, not unlike my situation, paid all the bills, handled all the money, knew where every important paper was. Was she prepared in saying I love you one more time to her children or even her husband. Was she prepared in leaving her life. She and her husband were at the point that he was going to take early retirement and they were going to travel. When sudden death comes I think no can be prepared in the literal since and definetly not emotionally. Since Gail's death last year I look into the mirror every morning and wonder if I'm prepared. 51, WOW, I just cannot wrap my head around my age. I feel like I'm in high school sometimes but the mirror tells me another story. There is just no stopping this slow moving train of age on a body. As they say we are actually born dying. I don't want to go. I love life, I love my life. Did Gail think of these things. We never really talked about them. I know she was not ready to leave this world. Life can be so unfinished and hers was.
I'm sorry for the sadness but I am sad and blue about all of it. I'm at the stage of re-evaluating my life right now as I have done at different stages in my life and 2006 has caused a lot of this inner reflection.
I am 60, and I really do not mind looking old. I do mind feeling old. I mind not having perfect vision anymore and the aches and pains that come with this weary body. I am sorry about your loss. You probably will live a long healthy life and with your Jazzercize and creams, you won't even look old. Take care, Jill. I have always thought that youth is heart thing. You know the lyrics. "If you should survive to a 105, look at all you derive out of being alive when you are young at heart." (or something like that)
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