Today is Saturday...no wait it's Friday

Being off work for a few days has my days all a jumble. We closed down the shop Thursday and Friday, four days in a row of not having to go to the office. I say that but The Hubby has been there both days. He is doing office work and letting some insulators into the new building to do new insulation. That is why we stayed in town this weekend so they could work. Here we have a four day weekend where we could be relaxing at the cabin yet here I sit at home, by myself. Don't get me wrong I like being here alone but I'm not really getting too much accomplished. I think today I will start dismantling Christmas.

Last night I tried to hit the bed about midnight but my mind just wouldn't shut down. I have another session on Monday with the therapist and I have been thinking a lot about what we will talk about. I know most of my complaints have been about the loss of my mother and good friend Gail, friendship in general but I am re-thinking how I am looking at this dilemma. I received a link to an essay, a spoken essay by Kelly Corrigan from a "friend", a very good friend and it was awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4qwVLqt9Q</a&gt; It made me think of all the friends I do have and that I shouldn't dwell on the friends I have lost. I will still mourn their loss but I need to move one. I need to get rid of this unrealistic sense of what a friend is supposed to be. I have an idea that I want a friend like Lucy and Ethel, Laverne and Shirley, Kate and Allie...hey wait a minute, these are TV friends that are, well, a little oddball. Do I really want that. What I want is what I remember my mother having. Her friends would come over with their children and the children would play while Momma and her friend would have coffee, watch soap operas, do their ironing together, just spend time talking, laughing and crying together. That is what I want, of course without the ironing and kids. I'm done with that part of my life. I want a friend that I hear from more often than once every 4-6 months, especially when she lives about 5 miles away. That is not a best-friend. I'm by myself so much now that I'm afraid that I am going to start preferring the alone, like my mother. I WILL NOT become what my parents became. I love The Hubby but my whole world will not revolve around him and his world. I am going to develop my world that I can revolve in. That is why I taking the writing and art classes, to find me. I actually did an exercise listing all of my friends, all of them. I have lot of friends and when you actually see them in print then you realize that you aren't alone, really. I just miss, well more time spent. I need to nurture the friendships that I think will last the rest of my life and the ones that give back. The one that gives me more trouble is the one that I have vested so much time and energy into and it is not reciprocated like I what I give. I am a very, very good friend. I am a devoted friend who cares and will be there at a moments notice if called. This friend I have a hard time just calling sometimes because on the list of priorities, I'm at the bottom of her list, at least that is how I feel. I want to rate, it's as simple as that.