Friday, January 02, 2009

Today is wait it's Friday


Being off work for a few days has my days all a jumble. We closed down the shop Thursday and Friday, four days in a row of not having to go to the office. I say that but The Hubby has been there both days. He is doing office work and letting some insulators into the new building to do new insulation. That is why we stayed in town this weekend so they could work. Here we have a four day weekend where we could be relaxing at the cabin yet here I sit at home, by myself. Don't get me wrong I like being here alone but I'm not really getting too much accomplished. I think today I will start dismantling Christmas.

Last night I tried to hit the bed about midnight but my mind just wouldn't shut down. I have another session on Monday with the therapist and I have been thinking a lot about what we will talk about. I know most of my complaints have been about the loss of my mother and good friend Gail, friendship in general but I am re-thinking how I am looking at this dilemma. I received a link to an essay, a spoken essay by Kelly Corrigan from a "friend", a very good friend and it was awesome.</a&gt; It made me think of all the friends I do have and that I shouldn't dwell on the friends I have lost. I will still mourn their loss but I need to move one. I need to get rid of this unrealistic sense of what a friend is supposed to be. I have an idea that I want a friend like Lucy and Ethel, Laverne and Shirley, Kate and Allie...hey wait a minute, these are TV friends that are, well, a little oddball. Do I really want that. What I want is what I remember my mother having. Her friends would come over with their children and the children would play while Momma and her friend would have coffee, watch soap operas, do their ironing together, just spend time talking, laughing and crying together. That is what I want, of course without the ironing and kids. I'm done with that part of my life. I want a friend that I hear from more often than once every 4-6 months, especially when she lives about 5 miles away. That is not a best-friend. I'm by myself so much now that I'm afraid that I am going to start preferring the alone, like my mother. I WILL NOT become what my parents became. I love The Hubby but my whole world will not revolve around him and his world. I am going to develop my world that I can revolve in. That is why I taking the writing and art classes, to find me. I actually did an exercise listing all of my friends, all of them. I have lot of friends and when you actually see them in print then you realize that you aren't alone, really. I just miss, well more time spent. I need to nurture the friendships that I think will last the rest of my life and the ones that give back. The one that gives me more trouble is the one that I have vested so much time and energy into and it is not reciprocated like I what I give. I am a very, very good friend. I am a devoted friend who cares and will be there at a moments notice if called. This friend I have a hard time just calling sometimes because on the list of priorities, I'm at the bottom of her list, at least that is how I feel. I want to rate, it's as simple as that.


Kay said...

I have kept friends also who I know I can count on. I tend not to invest as much on friends who don't feel the same way. I prefer nurturing the friendships that I know are a two way street. My husband however, tends to keep friendships where he feels he is needed. So he'll drop everything to help those people.

nanny said...

I too would love to have close friends! My husband is my best friend which I wouldn't have it any other way but I long for good female friends. I moved around alot growing up and have just not ended up with friends. I guess I don't know how, at this point in my life to go out and make new friends. It sounds like you had a good childhood, as I did, and we want that life for ourselves. I enjoyed reading your blog and will be back.
Was Edgar Sawtelle good? I have it in my To Read Stack!

Jill of All Trades said...

Edgar Sawtelle was good but I was kind of let down at the end. Surprised that you read a lot and were left with, well you read find out.

(M)ary said...

I have moved a lot in my life so I am always finding new friends and letting go of old friends. It is sad. I have become a bit of a lone wolf because I want to avoid the pain of losing another relationship. However, that doesn't sound healthy when I type it!

Unknown said...

what a wonderful post! stopping by from blogoklahoma to say Hi