Solitude...well maybe!

I’m sitting here in our wonderful cabin by a roaring fire listening to Christmas music - Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas, Peter Mayer’s Stars and Promises, and Chris Botti’s December. I’ve been drinking Swiss Chocolate Almond Coffee, on my couch, in my pajama’s, watching my bird feeder swing back and forth with black capped chickadee’s, purple house finches, and gold finches. I don’t have to do anything until dinner tonight at 6pm for Thanksgiving at the lake.

Finally a day to myself...a weekend to myself. I can’t believe all my planning to no avail and then this weekend just fell into my lap. The Hubby has decided to go deer hunting today and then tonight enjoy a fireworks show and laser light show to celebrate Oklahoma’s Centennial. I’m not particularly fond of fireworks and so here I sit throughly enjoying the peace and quiet.

Last night I watched TV and played solitaire on my laptop (no Internet here) till I nodded off about 9 pm. I padded off to bed leaving the TV on (timer to go off-HELLO, I’m at the lake in the woods by myself) and was asleep very quickly.

I awoke this morning and realized how very quiet it was. I opened my eyes to look at the clock and saw 6:57 am. Wow, I haven’t slept like that in awhile. 4:30 am is my usual wake up for work out. I think I would have stayed in bed if the potty wasn’t beckoning me. I lay there looking out the window at the tops of the bare trees, at the gray sky hoping for sunshine. Fall is here and the trees are naked. A bushy tailed squirrel ran along a branch with a huge acorn in his mouth. Funny little guys that play and chase each other round and round the trees. I rolled out of bed and trudged to the living room to stoke the fire.

What a life. “Living The Life of Reilly,” my mother used to say. No kidding. Who would have thought 31 years ago (Jan 2007) when The Hubby and I married that we would be in this position in our lives. We were young, 19 years old, probably not $500 in the bank, living in an apartment with used broken down furniture that was given to us. The television we watched was a hand-me-down from my grandmother that gave everyone green faces. We budgeted everything and spent Saturday afternoons at the laundrymat doing our laundry together.

We now have our own business, own the building, own 2 homes, raised two beautiful daughters, have tons of friends, and are blissfully happy. What more could a person ask for.

Wow, I’m getting nostalgic. I have to stop that or I’ll want to go home today. I’ve been trying to write a short story or something but just can’t seem to get my mind on writing fiction today.

I’m supposed to be reading a book for book club called The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant but just can’t get there either. I bought a book Thursday called The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup, M.D. and WOW what an eyeopener. I didn’t even make it through the introduction before I was underlining with my pencil. THAT IS WHY I’M FEELING THE WAY I DO SOMETIMES. It’s was like I had written the book or she was reading my thoughts and feelings. She talks about how “for most women, identity and self-esteem are generated by our associations and relationships.” She goes on to say that “men, by contrast, usually get most of their identity and self-esteem from the outer world...” Totally have felt that. One paragraph on page 4 talks about women who are the age and area I am finding themselves either turning to the old ways of nurturing the hubby (like the children), caretaker at the expense of their own needs, pushing the need to pursue their own creative passions. And then she goes on to talk about a husband saying “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” WHAT!!!! I have so totally heard those exact words come out of The Hubby’s mouth.

Page 6, and I will quote Dr. Northrup, “The dilemma for me and women everywhere is that we often feel guilty about self-revelation, because by being true to ourselves and our own feelings, we feel that we are betraying others, especially family members.”

That was a powerful statement for because I have very often felt this way, especially lately. Dr. Northrup’s book I think will help me deal with these feelings I am going through right now. My year has been fraught with MAJOR upheavals in my life.

My Time Line:
January-Became Empty Nester
March-Best Friend Died
June-Turned 50 and Dog Died
July-Mother Died

These are major occurrences that by themselves can be handled but I’ve been hit with all at once along with the peri-menopause symptoms on top of them. I guess I can deal with all of this and probably come out on the other side a new and improved Me. What doya say. I say YES!


P.S. Sunday...Well, my peace and solitude was short lived. The Hubby came to the oasis away from home last night after the celebration. He fell asleep on the couch so I still had the king size bed to myself.