Denial

 

My first painting, "Fan In Window"

Denial.  I am once again going to rant here about denial.  I have continued over and over again to jury into various shows and organizations with a never ending flurry of red "X's".  I'm very frustrated and confused to what the problem is.  This past couple of months I have once again received notices that I was turned down from Oil Painters of America, American Impressionist Society, National Oil Painters Society, and yesterday, yet again, for the fifth time, Women Artists of the West.  I've been asked many times from friends and family why I continue to try, why don't I just enjoy painting and let it be that.  Am I fooling myself that I think I'm better than I really am.  Am I just not as good as my ego is trying to make me.  I keep trying because I have a goal and I would like to attain it before I die.  Aren't you supposed to set goals in your life.  It's what drives us isn't it.  But sometimes it's hard to continue to get beat down over and over again.  I WANT TO achieve this goal but when you continually pay money to enter these competitions and get shot down EVERY SINGLE TIME, then I guess it's time to give up but I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP.  I don't want to be a failure and that's what it feels like.  I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was being denied, failure and it made me not want to get out of bed.  My studio partner is kind of a "Debbie-Downer" when I talk to her.  She's already been in one of these competitions once and said she's not interested in doing it again.  I know she's going through some family stuff that is taking her down but she was a inspiration to me and we were doing this a lot of the time TOGETHER and now she's like, "been there, done that" kind of attitude.  Well, I HAVEN'T been there, done that YET!  I want to achieve this goal but am really doubting myself.  

This past weekend I took several of my paintings to the cabin because I'm going to have a Screened Porch Art Show and Sale on Saturday, this next weekend.  We hosted a dinner Friday night and I knew that several of the people attending would not be there on Saturday.  It was a good call because I sold three of my paintings right off the bat.  Honestly why create all these paintings if they are going to sit in a pile and never hang anywhere.  I want, I NEED to sell them to make space so I can create more, and I need some validation that I'm doing my best and entering into the show and competitions is giving me that boost I need.  

Oh, maybe this is a useless rant, I don't know.  I'm just feeling very down about it all and that is not good for me to be creating art.