Sketches and Cursing

Time is ticking away pretty fast since we had "doomsday."  I'm still in a shit mood but it's getting better, no not really.  There is NOTHING I can do except sit back and watch the Shit Show every night on the TV news.  I'm waiting everyday to hear where's he's going to put Mike the MY PILLOW GUY!  It is an absolute clown show and we are fucked people, absolutely FUCKED.  The immigrant population is scared, absolutely terrified and I am for them.  But, I'm moving on to another gripe...

(self portrait)

My new found weight loss is continuing.  I'm down 15 pounds as of this morning and feel great.  My body feels great, and honestly it feels so much different this go around.  I think because I'm being extremely disciplined in what I am doing.  Look I can't control the politics but I can certainly control what I put in my body. I'm actually so proud of myself.  I am not eating bread and that is big, but it has been pretty easy.  I did have a small slice off of a baguette the other night while out the girls and I do low carb tortillas, but all in all, I pretty much don't eat bread.  We go to Mexican and I don't get chips.  We go to regular restaurants that serve croutons on the salad or a piece of bread, I don't get it or if it comes I take it off.  I'm eating tons of salads, greens, vegetables.  Probably should eat a bit more protein but I'm good on it mostly.  I only eat three meals a day, absolutely no snacking.  I have my protein bar and my one cup of coffee with my CoffeeMate Zero in the morning.  Lunch is light but a protein like leftover chicken on a salad with a vinaigrette.  Dinner is a meat with one or two vegetables, mashed cauliflower is my favorite right now.  I am really not drinking except maybe one drink on a Saturday or Sunday.  I am being so careful by monitoring what goes in my mouth and it is showing up.  I asked him if he's losing because he's pretty much eating what I am eating but his response, I don't know, I haven't worked out in 3 weeks.  He had foot surgery 3 weeks ago.  That is not what I asked.  I know he hasn't because he sits in his chair and starts in on the wine consumption after noon with 2-4 glasses a night, except Monday, which he says is No Alcohol Monday.  Right.  AND then as I sit her in the evenings on my laptop I hear him in there eating a bowl of ice cream or finishing the Halloween candy, of which I did not even touch.  I'm telling you I am towing the line here.  At dinner tonight we were talking about how much I have lost, how good I'm doing and I said that I would like to lose 30 pounds before we go on our trip.  He said, "yes, sure BUT I would like to see you walk or ride your bike more."  WHAT THE FUCK mister.  I am doing well, why the hell do you have to interject the DAMN BUT!  Why in the hell can't you please congratulate me, give me thumbs up, stand by me please.  It makes me not want to care anymore.  I am practically starving myself to get healthy, starving is a strong word, I'm not starving, but you know what I mean.  Sorry, I'm in a pissy mood with this all of a sudden.

Oh and I forgot...I had Covid again last week.  FUCK!  Now he has it but he's already almost over it.  It's a very mild case, a mild head cold really.  You know it has been exactly a year since we had it last.  This is my third time and I don't go anywhere, mostly, except for last week.  We went to the PAC to see Mrs. Doubtfire and I think that is where I got it.  The crappy thing is that I got a booster a month ago, like last year.  Dammit!

Thanksgiving is next week and I almost wished I had Covid next week and not go.  I am not looking forward to the T loving nephew being there.  He cannot stop talking LOUDLY about crap and I will BLOW UP on him if he says one thing.  I've already warned The Hubby if he talks, I'm yelling or walking.  I cannot keep my mouth shut.  This is going to be a hard day, but I look forward to putting my tree up the weekend after.  I think I'm all done with Christmas shopping so just have to wrap and put under the tree.  I'm going to have one nice Christmas Day dinner.  I'm going to go ahead and set up the table and I've already got my Cornish hens in the freezer.  I'm so excited to have a very nice dinner.

 

Donuts

Good morning all.  This morning I went back to posting my sketches on Insta and FB with a comment about how I was still feeling.  This is what I posted:

Today I was up at 4:30 yet again. It's going to be a full day so a nap will be on the agenda Sketching, well, that has been a challenge. I am still in a funk and absolutely nothing is driving me to sketch. It’s being forced because I know my art helps to pull me out of the darkness. The only thing that pulled me to sketch today was a box of donuts. Gosh, I know where my mind “wants” to go. I have to be extra vigilant with those thoughts, wanting to bury my sadness into food. I’m staying the course with 13 pounds down now. I do NOT want to risk a backslide.

I’m also very tired of everyone telling me it will be okay, things aren’t going to be as bad as you think, it will workout. My gut, which NEVER lets me down, is not feeling all this happy, happy, happy, it’s feeling knots, lots of knots.

I will share sketches but will only be here briefly. I'm avoiding the news, and social media as much as possible but want to continue to hopefully brighten your day, trust me mine needs a lot of brightening.

The comments are telling me I should seek professional help.  FUCK NO!  You do not get it people, it will not be okay and no amount of "chatting" about it or taking a f-ing Pill will help this situation.  What am I going to do, numb myself to the reality that is our future in this country for millions of women, LGBTQ+ people, blacks, yellows, browns, etc.  The reality is that our country is going to f-ing pot and everyone keeps telling me "it will be okay".  Even my hubby, who voted for her but is a R in his heart doesn't get it.  This morning he proudly came in to tell me our retirement accounts, in 11 days are WAY up.  I lit into him and he said oh no, not this crap again.  What do you think, I'm going to be good in a few days, let things die down in my heart, my mind, FUCK NO!  I know, in his R mind he really thinks it's because of the election and how it all turned out, and frankly he's probably right, but I DON'T WANT THE MONEY if this is our reality.  I am beyond devastated for women, girls.  It's a shit show folks and I am not looking forward to the day when I can look in his face and others and say, "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Also, on this last note, I am closing down this blog at the end of the year.  I will no longer post on this because you know what, censorship is coming.  I don't want my words to come back to bite me in the butt.  I'm done.  I will continue to hand journal and create art.  I will continue to love my grands, my family and keep to myself, because if I don't keep it bottled I will blow up at the most inopportune time.  Guess I'm more like my sister than I thought.  If she was here, boy FB would be on fire by now.  So hang in for a few more posts, love to all.

Embarrassed and Ashamed

I am embarrassed.  Embarrassed by what we have done.  I am embarrassed to be an AMERICAN and that is what I am.  I saw a quick interview yesterday on Insta where an AMERICAN of Asian descent was having a meal with this numbnut white idiot, no I'm not going to hold my tongue.  This numbnut started talking about why he voted for OrangeMan and the deporting the "illegals" and anyone of color, or different ethnicity!  He voted for IT because he wants to hold on to the white race, his people.  THIS PEOPLE is what is all about.  The Christian Right and the abortion crap was all a smoke screen for the real truth of what is happening.  We will white wash what this country was really founded for, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF PERSECUTION OF RELIGION!   What the hell have we started.  You had better start teaching your children and your grandchildren the REAL history of what this country was founded on because it will wiped clean from all history books, in fact they will probably destroy every history book out there that shows the REAL history we were founded on.  I will NOT be forced to pray, to worship, to follow the perfect WHITE RACE.  That is preposterous.  I can not get my mind off what has happened to this country, a country I love and now am ashamed.  I used to cry when the National Anthem was sung, when we said the Pledge of Allegiance.  

These are the ORIGINAL words:

"I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

And on the Statue of Liberty, the plaque says: 

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! The Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, Inc."

How do we forget what this country was built on.  Why are we FORCING children to learn a "CHRISTIAN" religion when this country is based on multiple religions, not just one.  This is cult stuff people and you FELL for it hard.  You have been sucked in the to the ultimate death of this country and what is has always stood for.  You will KILL many women, girls and yes BABIES by you vote on Tuesday.  I am ashamed and embarrassed and overwrought with anger and despair of all of this.  It is all I can do to be civil to some people.  I am so dreading Thanksgiving because we have a nephew that spews this SHIT all over his FB page and it's all I can do to not take him to task.  He is STUPID, flat out stupid in everything he is posting and I know he will open his big fat mouth and spout this shit off at T-day and I will NOT be able to keep quiet.  I don't want to go, do not, do not, do not! I can't wait until his daughter has to register her periods with the government.  What happens when and if she has problems with a pregnancy and may die.  What happens dude...I am so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger it's all I can do to be civil to anyone right now.  

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENEND!

DAMN!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED yesterday.  I didn't watch the results last night, fear the driving force.  I was right to be afraid because when I woke at 5 this AM and turned the TV on, SHOCK!  Absolute shock is what faced me.  I am totally devastated by this outcome, plus for the house and senate to go red we are in trouble.  Women are in trouble, more than already.  The LGBTQ community is in desperate trouble.  ANYONE with a name that is in question that is 'NOT AMERICAN' is in trouble of being deported or put into camps.  It is a horrible nightmare.  I'm truly scared, scared for my girls, my grandgirls, family members with LGBTQ community.  WHAT the hell is going on that WOMEN are allowing STUPID WHITE MEN take control over us.  WHAT THE HELL!  I am just in a horrible mental place right now.  Terrified!  So I will do what I do to help with my mental health, create art.  I will get back to drawing and painting and stay away from the news and social media for a bit.  Head down and create.  Take care friends.