A Ramble

This morning, THIS MORNING!  I am having brain issues this AM.  It's 10:15 and I feel rattled, confused and just bogged down.  I had a good nights sleep but I think all the construction crap has taken a toll.  I went to my OsteoStrong workout and just seemed like I needed to go back to sleep.  The constant-ness of having workers in and around our house for the past, what, 5 weeks now has messed for the final time with my brain.  You know you get into a routine and it has just been flipped around and discombobulated all to hell.  Didn't help that I was planning on coming into the studio this morning and do art, but NOOOoooo, not to happen.  First of all the gas company has been doing all kinds of work around this area and are digging up our sidewalk and replacing!  They are increasing the lines, pressure, etc in the area.  The gas has been turned off because of all they are doing so they need to get back inside once they turn it on and make sure all is right.  I needed to be here for that, but NOooooo, he's here too now, listening to videos and then one of our ex-employees/friend has stopped in and they are sitting here talking shop.  Had to put my airbuds in and play music to cut the shop-talk down at least a bit.  

So, here I was opening the mail to pay a couple of bills when I open the electric bill.  We get several and I have to pay attention to what bill goes to what building.  I opened the bills to find a DISCONNECTION NOTICE!  WTF!  Well, crapola.  With a bit of investigation I realized I paid the studio building bill out of our personal account and noted it to our house.  I thought I had it paid and I did but wrong account number.  I was wondering why the house bill one the first of the week had a zero balance, now it all makes sense.  I had to do the automated system and pay it with the credit card, over $800, that's fun.  Again for the past month or two my brain has been in construction and chaos mode and it is showing up with mistakes like this.  DAMMIT!  

My mind too has been thinking about me, who I am, why I am like I am.  It's been really at the forefront of my brain so I need to blog, write about it to dump it.  I think it's because I sent that letter to my friend, the Dear Jane letter and the weekend and weird stuff at the cabin with the friend group there.  I just feel unseen sometimes and that has triggered some very old feelings from my youth and who I've become as an adult and why I do the things I do.  Lots of revelations going on in my brain.  

When I was a teenager, 16-17 and the dating scene I was stood-up a few times.  One time it happened on a New Year's Eve when I invited a guy I was kind of dating to our house for a NYE party, oh and I was 18 at that time.  It was his birthday.  It was also the first time I got drunk, at home with my family, Mai Tai's!  I was so upset and so drunk.  I remember laying in my bed crying and Daddy sitting at the side of the bed trying to console me.  I was wailing about how horrible I felt, how horrible it all felt being forgotten.  What was wrong with me.  Why can't people just get to know me.  I'm an interesting person.  Why can't they see it.  I'm telling you, that night hit me so hard and has stayed with me every time I am forgotten, like when my friend forgot the lunch date (not once but several times.)  I get this overwhelming feeling that I am not good enough, that I am not interesting, that I just don't know how to interact in groups.  I'm telling you it is a teenage feeling that has stayed with me till now.  It also kind of explains why when I meet people I can kind of overwhelm them with information, about myself they may not want to know.  It may make them back off because I can do that and I see it in myself.  But you know what, I am an interesting person.  I'm cool.  I'm talented.  I'm accomplished.  It's just an introspection into the deepness that is me.  

Okay, now on an off topic and a bit political.  The Hubby wanted to go see the movie Reagan.  I didn't necessarily want to see it but I told him I would go see it.  We have not been to a movie together for a bit so it was a tad weird with the check-in process.  Anyway, the before movie previews were so slanted to the blue side and I think they were to offset the red side of the movie.  My opinion, that movie was so hokey.  I hated it.  He loved it because he felt that Reagan was one of our greatest presidents...my opinion, absolutely not.  So the whole movie afternoon, when I really needed to get away from all the political shit was thrown in my face.  

Okay, hopefully the next post will be a bit lighter.