Donuts

Good morning all.  This morning I went back to posting my sketches on Insta and FB with a comment about how I was still feeling.  This is what I posted:

Today I was up at 4:30 yet again. It's going to be a full day so a nap will be on the agenda Sketching, well, that has been a challenge. I am still in a funk and absolutely nothing is driving me to sketch. It’s being forced because I know my art helps to pull me out of the darkness. The only thing that pulled me to sketch today was a box of donuts. Gosh, I know where my mind “wants” to go. I have to be extra vigilant with those thoughts, wanting to bury my sadness into food. I’m staying the course with 13 pounds down now. I do NOT want to risk a backslide.

I’m also very tired of everyone telling me it will be okay, things aren’t going to be as bad as you think, it will workout. My gut, which NEVER lets me down, is not feeling all this happy, happy, happy, it’s feeling knots, lots of knots.

I will share sketches but will only be here briefly. I'm avoiding the news, and social media as much as possible but want to continue to hopefully brighten your day, trust me mine needs a lot of brightening.

The comments are telling me I should seek professional help.  FUCK NO!  You do not get it people, it will not be okay and no amount of "chatting" about it or taking a f-ing Pill will help this situation.  What am I going to do, numb myself to the reality that is our future in this country for millions of women, LGBTQ+ people, blacks, yellows, browns, etc.  The reality is that our country is going to f-ing pot and everyone keeps telling me "it will be okay".  Even my hubby, who voted for her but is a R in his heart doesn't get it.  This morning he proudly came in to tell me our retirement accounts, in 11 days are WAY up.  I lit into him and he said oh no, not this crap again.  What do you think, I'm going to be good in a few days, let things die down in my heart, my mind, FUCK NO!  I know, in his R mind he really thinks it's because of the election and how it all turned out, and frankly he's probably right, but I DON'T WANT THE MONEY if this is our reality.  I am beyond devastated for women, girls.  It's a shit show folks and I am not looking forward to the day when I can look in his face and others and say, "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Also, on this last note, I am closing down this blog at the end of the year.  I will no longer post on this because you know what, censorship is coming.  I don't want my words to come back to bite me in the butt.  I'm done.  I will continue to hand journal and create art.  I will continue to love my grands, my family and keep to myself, because if I don't keep it bottled I will blow up at the most inopportune time.  Guess I'm more like my sister than I thought.  If she was here, boy FB would be on fire by now.  So hang in for a few more posts, love to all.

Embarrassed and Ashamed

I am embarrassed.  Embarrassed by what we have done.  I am embarrassed to be an AMERICAN and that is what I am.  I saw a quick interview yesterday on Insta where an AMERICAN of Asian descent was having a meal with this numbnut white idiot, no I'm not going to hold my tongue.  This numbnut started talking about why he voted for OrangeMan and the deporting the "illegals" and anyone of color, or different ethnicity!  He voted for IT because he wants to hold on to the white race, his people.  THIS PEOPLE is what is all about.  The Christian Right and the abortion crap was all a smoke screen for the real truth of what is happening.  We will white wash what this country was really founded for, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF PERSECUTION OF RELIGION!   What the hell have we started.  You had better start teaching your children and your grandchildren the REAL history of what this country was founded on because it will wiped clean from all history books, in fact they will probably destroy every history book out there that shows the REAL history we were founded on.  I will NOT be forced to pray, to worship, to follow the perfect WHITE RACE.  That is preposterous.  I can not get my mind off what has happened to this country, a country I love and now am ashamed.  I used to cry when the National Anthem was sung, when we said the Pledge of Allegiance.  

These are the ORIGINAL words:

"I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

And on the Statue of Liberty, the plaque says: 

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! The Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, Inc."

How do we forget what this country was built on.  Why are we FORCING children to learn a "CHRISTIAN" religion when this country is based on multiple religions, not just one.  This is cult stuff people and you FELL for it hard.  You have been sucked in the to the ultimate death of this country and what is has always stood for.  You will KILL many women, girls and yes BABIES by you vote on Tuesday.  I am ashamed and embarrassed and overwrought with anger and despair of all of this.  It is all I can do to be civil to some people.  I am so dreading Thanksgiving because we have a nephew that spews this SHIT all over his FB page and it's all I can do to not take him to task.  He is STUPID, flat out stupid in everything he is posting and I know he will open his big fat mouth and spout this shit off at T-day and I will NOT be able to keep quiet.  I don't want to go, do not, do not, do not! I can't wait until his daughter has to register her periods with the government.  What happens when and if she has problems with a pregnancy and may die.  What happens dude...I am so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger it's all I can do to be civil to anyone right now.  

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENEND!

DAMN!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED yesterday.  I didn't watch the results last night, fear the driving force.  I was right to be afraid because when I woke at 5 this AM and turned the TV on, SHOCK!  Absolute shock is what faced me.  I am totally devastated by this outcome, plus for the house and senate to go red we are in trouble.  Women are in trouble, more than already.  The LGBTQ community is in desperate trouble.  ANYONE with a name that is in question that is 'NOT AMERICAN' is in trouble of being deported or put into camps.  It is a horrible nightmare.  I'm truly scared, scared for my girls, my grandgirls, family members with LGBTQ community.  WHAT the hell is going on that WOMEN are allowing STUPID WHITE MEN take control over us.  WHAT THE HELL!  I am just in a horrible mental place right now.  Terrified!  So I will do what I do to help with my mental health, create art.  I will get back to drawing and painting and stay away from the news and social media for a bit.  Head down and create.  Take care friends.

Sketching, Surgery and FOOD

Hello again.  Life is rumbling along.  This morning we are off to the hospital for him to have foot surgery.  He has a cyst/bulge/bunion/something on the side of his foot that has been bothering him for some time.  It makes the dancing painful.  Weirdly enough his middle brother had the same thing a few years ago.  So today, I am packed up for hurry-up-and-wait day.  I've got counted-cross stitch ornament, journal, sketching journal and pencils, my Kindle, I am ready for sitting and waiting.  We have to be there at 9:15 and surgery is 11:30.  They also said it will be a 4-6 hour surgery!  What the heck.  I also packed a lunch and a few munchies for me to make it through the day.  He said he will be ready to eat a bear when done but who knows.  I'm expecting to be out about dinner time and I'm also ready to cook.  

FYI, I am down 11 pounds today!  That is pretty exciting.  I've been stuck at 10 pounds for nearly 2 weeks but suddenly the scale shifted.  I've really, REALLY been trying to be dedicated to what I am eating and it's been pretty easy.  

Last week I cooked a pork butt in the crock pot and we got three meals out of it, with one of the meals with three other people.  It was $10 and stretched nicely. I made pulled pork over mashed cauliflower which was so tasty.  He loved it.  A couple days later I made pozole verde for 5, another home run.  The Friday evening I made pork and cheese quesadillas.  The verde part of the last two meals was my favorite find of Herdez Salsa Verde!  OMG, my new favorite salsa.  

I used it in the pozole and to dip the quesadillas in.

Last night I had shrimp, a half package of grape tomatoes, "j"arlic, 2 sad stalks of celery, 1/4 cup of white wine, salt & pepper.  I served it over mashed riced cauliflower with lemon, adding a splash of cream and butter, S&P.  OMG, this was tasty too.  So, this low carb thing is really working.  

Sketching, Food, and Life

Monday morning and I'm here at the studio.  Am I painting yet, no, because I also pay bills here and I had to call the bank after an update shut me out of a program.  Time WASTED!  I only popped in here once last week as I watched kiddos a bit and just didn't want to be here.  I'm fighting getting back to oils lately only wanting to draw.  Kind of in a weird place right now and I'm sure it's just the weather and lots of time on my hands.  I did have my book club over last Wednesday evening and this Wednesday is my "Birthday" club girls for dinner.  I put a pork butt in the crockpot at 5 am this morning and will cook it for about 8-10 hours.  Tonight we will eat it like pulled pork over mashed cauliflower and Wednesday I will make pozole for the girls.  

Yes, I am back on the low carb wagon and it is going quite well actually.  I went to my doctor a little over a month ago, my blood pressure was great but later, after the blood tests came back he is concerned I am prediabetic.  So he wanted me to come back in for an A1C test.  I am choosing NOT to do that but to jump in with both feet with the low carb thing and so far I have lost 10 pounds.  It's really not been too hard as I was already doing it, mostly, but back slid.  I was enjoying too much bean dip and Fritos!  Now I am spending my quality time with food really being careful, eating tons of greens, veggies and protein.  I feel really strong and confident that this is my path for the rest of my life.  I don't need Fritos but an occasional one is not going to kill me.  I've been going to gatherings and NOT eating the bad stuff and bringing veggie platters that I can stuff my face on.  I am going to do this.  As I said before my doctor prescribed Contrave, but it sits at the pharmacy waiting on the insurance/Medicare to approve.  I think I'm doing just fine on my own and will continue WITHOUT it!  They're adding more warnings on the shots that scare me too death and are exactly why I will not be doing them.  I will continue my food ways, clean eating and sketching!  

I've been adding stories with these on Facebook and they seem to be a hit and several people want me to write about them, in book form.  I kind of already do here on my blog.

Momma and Momma's hands...

Life Drawing class again...One of the best I've ever done.  Of course the sketchbook I used was one the kiddos have drawn on.  Makes it more beautiful, in my opinion.

Construction, Art and Holiday Woes

A week out from the reunion and honestly I'm at a loss for my brain.  It has been so much on my mind for months that there is a void in my thinking and planning.  It's okay, I'm ready to have it done but wow.  This weekend we scooted off to the cabin on Thursday morning and it was a very long four days of sitting around.  Oh, I'm okay with the sitting around but I sensed he was antsy.  He's just not used to sitting around.  He was also anxious with what was going on around our house.  The last of the fixin'-up was going on and he was so excited to see it happening but we needed to leave.  I'll explain.  Our back patio, walks, driveway are all stained and he's spent the past couple of weeks re-staining the back squares of the patio.  Then the painter was coming to seal it all.  That meant we couldn't even walk outside or drive on the driveway for a couple of days, so cabin life it was.  He was so intriqued by the process he kept getting on the cameras to watch.  So funny, my guy.  His heart is not too far from construction that's for sure.  

This weekend and a couple of weekends ago I set up a Painting in the Wigwam for cabin life peeps.  The first weekend it was just one who showed up and this weekend it was two.  That's okay, I got a couple of nice paintings out of it and time spent with ladies visiting.  This next weekend we are going to do it at our cabin so if it's just me, then okay, it's just me.  

It was a quiet weekend too as not many were there, well there were but some had company and others, eat up with college football..blech.  Not my thing for sure.  It's so dry there too, so much so that it's just dusty.  The new house is going up next door and it is a hoss I can tell you.  It is a house, not a cabin and dwarfs our place.  

I'm continuing the daily sketches and they have really taken a life all their own.  Every time I talk to people they always make mention of them and go on and on about how much they enjoy them, especially when I add a story with them.  

Today is I was having a pretty good day, until...I got an email, we, as a family got an email.  I saw it was from one of his brothers, the oldest saying they are hosting Thanksgiving.  WHAT!  WHAT THE HECK!  Thanksgiving is MINE!  I've done it for so many years now, except last year when we have Covid!  I was so upset, I mean cussing upset, outside, big BAD words.  I was pissed.  I didn't even get heads up.  I ranted and raved to him, to the youngest on the phone.  Man I was so mad and upset to the point of tears.  I feel like everything is changing from my norm and I am having a hard time with this change.  The more I thought about it I realized that probably the reason why they want to host is because he is in bad health and if they come to our house, which is a trek from Eufaula, she would have to drive.  This would mean she couldn't see her kids for Thanksgiving.  I think I get it now but dang it, dang it, dang it!!!  It's hard enough on me that Thanksgiving wasn't like it used to be, food wise because of the vegan and vegetarian part of the day, but we had that kind of worked out.  I miss cooking a turkey, really miss it and two years in a row I won't be doing that.  You know what I plan on doing, a couple of things here.  I decided that I would embrace Christmas Day dinner.  I always have the other bro-in-law and his hubby and my kiddos and their entourage but I will extend to my brother and maybe my sisters hubby and their kiddos.  I don't expect them to come but I will extend.  I don't know if I'll do a turkey and may save that to New Year's Day.  Oh, it's just swimming around in my head.  I'll figure it out, I always do.  For now, I'll let that torch pass to Dave, for now.  

Reunion-Palooza

 WHEW, reunion-palooza is done.  Four days of partying and fun and I am toast.  It started with a meeting last week to make sure all the "T's" were crossed and the "I's" were dotted.  All along Roger had been wanting to have a kind of pre-party at his house WAY out in the country.  So we ventured there and it was such fun.  He did a BBQ and there were many classmates in attendance.  His place is just beautiful.  I had never been that far out in my life, or that I remember.  That was Thursday night.  Then Friday it was pizza night at the hotel and we arrived with many already there.  Oh gosh I could hardly sit down at the name tag table that I had to keep jumping up and hugging everyone.  We had the worst pizza ever but no one cared, they just had fun visiting, laughing and looking at yearbooks.  

Then Saturday was our big event at a convention room in the hotel with heavy appetizers.  We had arrived earlier in the day for dressing the room up and it looked great.  We also had a DJ, which The Hubby could not understand why we didn't have a dance floor.  For one, the room we had was not big enough for a dance floor.  Second, we've done that before and all of 4 people danced, not worth the money.  All we wanted to do was chat and visit and reminisce the memories of days gone by.  We had so many that had never been to a reunion and some who didn't graduate with us, moving or dropping out.  That didn't matter one whit, we embraced everyone and had the absolute best time.  I'm telling you though I was so tired and my feet so sore I could hardly put one foot in front of the other and my face hurt from smiling, my ears were ringing from all the chatter and music.  I actually walked 2,500 steps in that room alone.  When I went to bed my toes kept cramping most of the night.  

Sunday it was up again and out the door to the brunch at a local bar and grill (not my choice on the committee).  We've met there several times but it is a smoking bar and I was not happy about that.  But, you know we had about 30 that showed up.  They were on their own dime there.  I was so dead tired when I left to head home.  I/we were supposed to go to Min's 5th birthday party at the Pumpkin Patch but the thought of more noise, kid noise and more walking, I just couldn't do it.  She's coming over tomorrow and I will give her birthday present to her then and to Snicklefritz.  Their birthdays are a day apart.  Snicklefritz's is tomorrow and Min's the next day.  They're all coming over for pizza, vegan pizza, salad and I'll put a bow on a cup of Oreo's for them.  Min I have a couple of gifts and Snicklefritz I'm taking her shopping in the next few weeks.  Anyway, I headed home and sat in my chair, kicked back the foot rest and slept hard for over three hours.  I was TOAST!  

Today I spent the morning updating the address list and totaling up the numbers.  I wanted to see how many we had and I kept having people asking me.  Good Grief!  Then I needed to send out a few emails to some classmates to write letters for Roger.  His name has been pitched for him to be a Great Graduate (they do this here).  I honestly don't know much about his childhood but others do so those I tapped out.  I know him more working on this reunion and his older years.  I'll write a letter too.  We're going to make sure this happens.  He is a great guy, who has an absolute passion for these reunions, our fellow classmates that is unmatched.  

Okay, I'm out.  Still trying to play catchup with my brain and rest. 

Oh, and one of my classmates was so in awe of my hair she had to take a picture of it. LOL!

Pinecones & Memories

While scrolling through some old photos I ran across this one.  I remember it all too well.  This was my parent's 25th Anniversary.  We had them over to our tiny house, along with my brother and his wife and my Granny and my sister.  We either grilled steaks, fried chicken or grilled it, don't remember that part.  That dirt part behind me (I'm in black) is the garden that I was working on and became my way to exercise and lose the baby fat after my first daughter.  25 years, and now we are approaching our 49th year.  The only ones left from this photo are me and my brother and his wife.  Kind gets me, A LOT!  

There is a lot going on this week.  Yesterday was that daughter's 45th birthday!  I AM NOT THAT OLD, but sadly I am.  A friends husband passed away very suddenly and his funeral is this week.  We just saw him last month.  We lost a classmate of ours and we are getting ready to have our 50th class reunion this weekend.  Yes, and that is on my plate.  Lots of "i's to dot and t's to cross!"  We also have a pre-party at on of the committee members house way out in BFE (an old term bum f**k Egypt) on Thursday evening.  That is clashing with the reunion, the fair and dances that "he" wants to attend.  I WANT him to go with me to my reunion stuff but I won't force him.  It would be nice for him to be by my side and he will for part of it.  I've given him some options for attending and we will see which ones he opts for.  I'm good with whatever.  

Today’s sketch is a plain Jane pinecone. I say plain Jane but sketching it is anything but. This is a very complex little object and at first stumped me on how to start. THIS was a challenge. I started drawing from top to bottom, like I usually do, that did not work, so I erased. Next bottom up, nope, more erasing. By then the paper was smudgy, so I embraced the smudges, especially the darkness in the center or core. I enhanced some areas and then started taking out some dark areas to release the individual scales and bracts (looked that one up!) I used the pencil to create deeper darks and the eraser to release the lights and before long, I saw a pinecone. Maybe there is a lesson to learn from that. That even though there are the darks in your life just keep pushing through and you will come to light, the answer you seek will become clear. Deep or what!

Growing up on Main Street, in our front yard, my grandfather planted a pine tree when they first bought the house from Mrs. Koshow (later to become Mrs. Schumacher). She built two houses next to each other, almost identical, living next door. My parents bought the house when I was in 3rd grade from my grandparents. The pine tree was a steady fixture in my life until I think late 80’s early 90’s. That tree grew to be the tallest thing I have ever seen. The pine cones were few, and the ugliest things, long and skinny. One night, there came a storm and it was struck by lightning. Daddy was in bed, and when it struck he was absolutely knocked out of his bed. They were lucky it didn’t strike the house, but I seem to remember some appliances were damaged. Daddy was so shook by it, and I can’t remember if Momma had a story to tell about the hit. The tree died and had to finally be removed.

There’s not many places in BA that are still standing from my life. All the houses I ever lived in are gone. My high school is gone, my elementary is still there, but renamed. Sometimes I feel erased from my hometown, but the memories are still very strong and the love for the once small town I grew up in will remain forever. I miss that pine tree. It has been erased but not from my memory.

 

Anxious Nelly

Good morning.  Surprise, surprise, two days in a row I'm here.   I'm still riding high on getting in that show in NYC and now I have to deal with the details, which for some reason makes me nervous.  I printed out the details on shipping, dates, etc., and that's a whole different kind of mess.  I've done it before, I can do it.  You have to deal with shippers, which in the past have been grumpy old men (the receiving end) but they get the job done.  I have special boxes I have to send out through FedX, they're padded and very strong.  It's just a process and I need to be on my game to make it all happen.  I'm sure I will not be going to the show but who knows, right!   

Honestly, sitting here just thinking about it, typing it all out, I have a desire to FLEE from all of it, just not send in the paintings.  You know that's a pattern for me to run from stuff like this.  In high school, senior year, I tried out for talent show, Pow Wow (not called that anymore for obvious reasons.)  I practiced and practiced with my friend Becky playing the piano for me.  I sang Barbra Streisand's "People", and I was good, I knew it I felt it.  I started out shaky and too soft but I got louder.  I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED doing it.  I knew people that were quite popular and talented were watching me, listening to me and it was the biggest thing I had EVER done in my life.  I didn't even want to stand on the stage, preferring to stand by the piano down below on seat level, next to Becky, my comfort zone.  I'm telling you I remember reading the lyrics off of the piano book because I knew I would not be able to remember them in front of everyone.  But I did it.  Funny thing though, swinging back around to my point, is that I got in that show, I made it, but I never NEVER went to practice to be in it.  It was all I could do to stand up there and sing in front of those few people.  It has taken a lifetime to break out of that cocoon I built around myself, I'm a much different person now, sort of.  I've stood up in front of people and spoken, I've even done Karaoke before (a little liquid courage on board), but I've done it, I've overcome that shy, introverted girl, mostly.  This shipping stuff seems to bring that stuff up sometimes.  Makes my tummy flutter and me to take a lot of cleansing breaths. 

Oh by the way, down 5 pounds as of this morning.  It's been 7 days since I was in my doctors office, 6 days of watching the carby thing, 5 pounds down.  It will probably fall off pretty quick in the beginning, enough to help with the next blood test, I hope.  The Hubby asked this morning if I was going to tackle the pharmacy and insurance to get that damn pill.  Pisses me off, really does.  I told him I really thought I could do this on my own.  I just hate to take a pill for stuff and you just don't know what the long term effects are going to be.  He promptly said, "Well, you've not been able to do it before, you need to do something."  I AM YOU JERK!  For GOD'S SAKE, I have given up bread, potatoes, pasta, DRINKING, fast food.  I'm eating giant salads for lunch, this morning I ate egg bites (7 carbs-vs-my protein bars of 38 carbs).  I'm going to make my own.  I'm cooking very clean and have been for awhile.  But of course, on my counter is a German chocolate cake our friends made for him for his birthday.  He sat right next to me last night eating it, didn't wait till I headed to the bedroom to watch TV.  He has ice cream every night with chocolate syrup but has the decency to eat it AFTER I've left the room.  He wants to snack and gets frustrated if I don't have a bag of chips or crackers or the right cheese HE likes.  It's very frustrating.  He eats everything I fix for him but these added things are not helping.  It's not that I like GCC, I don't it's the smelling it while he is eating.  It's the crunch of the chips I can hear.  AND I'M NOT A BINGE EATER EITHER! I'm making the right choices and that will be what helps me get this weight down.  If I can just get it down to manageable for my body, my health, that is what matters.  STICK TO MY GUNS!!!  

Good News, Bad News

 I am back.  Just can't seem to post here lately.  Probably because I've been knee deep in 50th reunion planning.  Plus I've been kind of worrying about my health.  Oh, don't worry, I'm good.  Went to the doctor Monday and proudly went in, stepped on the scale and didn't faint when it tipped a weight I've never been.  DAMMIT!  My blood pressure was great though and doc and I had a nice visit where he said, "I pronounce you healthy."  That made me feel good but then I was off to the lab for blood work, which always makes me a bit nervous.  I was right to be nervous because my glucose was way up, never has been and caused him to be concerned and request more blood work in the next month.  He is on the verge of saying prediabetic.  DAMMIT!  We also discussed the weight loss drugs yet again and decided the shot-ones are not for me.  The question of my thyroid and thyroid problems in my family is a no AND there's also the problem with constipation.  I've had that problem most of my life until I started fiber which changed my life.  I flat out told him I have a love affair with my bowel movements and I do not want to mess that up, he totally agreed.  So he prescribed a pill called Contrave, which also has some of those issues, not as bad.  I still have picked it up yet because my insurance, Medicare, which is supposed to cover it, is putting the brakes on.  BUT, I've taken the bull by the horns and really started to do the very low carb diet, yet again.  So since Tuesday morning till today, I've lost 3 pounds!  I think I can do this.

Saturday morning I opened my emails while at the cabin and gasped when I saw a notice from an art show I had forgotten that I entered the past couple of weeks.  It was a notice that I had juried into another art show at the Salmagundi in NYC!  It's a different group than last time, and not only did I get one in the show, I got two in the show!!!!!  

“I am happy to inform you that CLWAC’s jury of selection has accepted your work for the 127th Annual Catharine Lorillard Wolfe Art Club Open Juried Exhibition, at the Salmagundi Club, 47 Fifth Avenue, NY, NY to be held on November 19 through December 6, 2024, with awards reception and final removal on December 7, 2024.”

I'll share later which paintings are in it as they have asked to not put them on social media until the show starts.  This show has prizes too!  I was so excited I cried.  It is validation that I am an actual artist, a good artist.  

I'll keep you posted.

The weekend also brought a bit of bad news, family and friends.  The brother-in-law is in the hospital with Covid and sepsis but is getting better.  Also, just before our 50th class reunion next weekend, we lost a classmate, a well known one too.  He battled cancer for several years.  

In the meantime here are some more sketches I've been working on.