Goodbye - Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

 I've decided that this is my final post.  So goodbye to all, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

A Quick Note

Just a quick visit to say all is okay, life is rolling along.  Honestly, I don't feel like blogging anymore so I'm glad I have made the decision to end this blog this month.  It's been 18 years and I'm just done.  This has been a place for me to spill my guts but I don't feel safe doing that in a lot of ways anymore.  I will continue writing in my handwritten journals though as those are healthy for me, but here, no.  So enjoy what you can, take it for what it's worth.  

You can always follow my art journey online.  You know where to find me.

 

Sketches and Cursing

Time is ticking away pretty fast since we had "doomsday."  I'm still in a shit mood but it's getting better, no not really.  There is NOTHING I can do except sit back and watch the Shit Show every night on the TV news.  I'm waiting everyday to hear where's he's going to put Mike the MY PILLOW GUY!  It is an absolute clown show and we are fucked people, absolutely FUCKED.  The immigrant population is scared, absolutely terrified and I am for them.  But, I'm moving on to another gripe...

(self portrait)

My new found weight loss is continuing.  I'm down 15 pounds as of this morning and feel great.  My body feels great, and honestly it feels so much different this go around.  I think because I'm being extremely disciplined in what I am doing.  Look I can't control the politics but I can certainly control what I put in my body. I'm actually so proud of myself.  I am not eating bread and that is big, but it has been pretty easy.  I did have a small slice off of a baguette the other night while out the girls and I do low carb tortillas, but all in all, I pretty much don't eat bread.  We go to Mexican and I don't get chips.  We go to regular restaurants that serve croutons on the salad or a piece of bread, I don't get it or if it comes I take it off.  I'm eating tons of salads, greens, vegetables.  Probably should eat a bit more protein but I'm good on it mostly.  I only eat three meals a day, absolutely no snacking.  I have my protein bar and my one cup of coffee with my CoffeeMate Zero in the morning.  Lunch is light but a protein like leftover chicken on a salad with a vinaigrette.  Dinner is a meat with one or two vegetables, mashed cauliflower is my favorite right now.  I am really not drinking except maybe one drink on a Saturday or Sunday.  I am being so careful by monitoring what goes in my mouth and it is showing up.  I asked him if he's losing because he's pretty much eating what I am eating but his response, I don't know, I haven't worked out in 3 weeks.  He had foot surgery 3 weeks ago.  That is not what I asked.  I know he hasn't because he sits in his chair and starts in on the wine consumption after noon with 2-4 glasses a night, except Monday, which he says is No Alcohol Monday.  Right.  AND then as I sit her in the evenings on my laptop I hear him in there eating a bowl of ice cream or finishing the Halloween candy, of which I did not even touch.  I'm telling you I am towing the line here.  At dinner tonight we were talking about how much I have lost, how good I'm doing and I said that I would like to lose 30 pounds before we go on our trip.  He said, "yes, sure BUT I would like to see you walk or ride your bike more."  WHAT THE FUCK mister.  I am doing well, why the hell do you have to interject the DAMN BUT!  Why in the hell can't you please congratulate me, give me thumbs up, stand by me please.  It makes me not want to care anymore.  I am practically starving myself to get healthy, starving is a strong word, I'm not starving, but you know what I mean.  Sorry, I'm in a pissy mood with this all of a sudden.

Oh and I forgot...I had Covid again last week.  FUCK!  Now he has it but he's already almost over it.  It's a very mild case, a mild head cold really.  You know it has been exactly a year since we had it last.  This is my third time and I don't go anywhere, mostly, except for last week.  We went to the PAC to see Mrs. Doubtfire and I think that is where I got it.  The crappy thing is that I got a booster a month ago, like last year.  Dammit!

Thanksgiving is next week and I almost wished I had Covid next week and not go.  I am not looking forward to the T loving nephew being there.  He cannot stop talking LOUDLY about crap and I will BLOW UP on him if he says one thing.  I've already warned The Hubby if he talks, I'm yelling or walking.  I cannot keep my mouth shut.  This is going to be a hard day, but I look forward to putting my tree up the weekend after.  I think I'm all done with Christmas shopping so just have to wrap and put under the tree.  I'm going to have one nice Christmas Day dinner.  I'm going to go ahead and set up the table and I've already got my Cornish hens in the freezer.  I'm so excited to have a very nice dinner.

 

Donuts

Good morning all.  This morning I went back to posting my sketches on Insta and FB with a comment about how I was still feeling.  This is what I posted:

Today I was up at 4:30 yet again. It's going to be a full day so a nap will be on the agenda Sketching, well, that has been a challenge. I am still in a funk and absolutely nothing is driving me to sketch. It’s being forced because I know my art helps to pull me out of the darkness. The only thing that pulled me to sketch today was a box of donuts. Gosh, I know where my mind “wants” to go. I have to be extra vigilant with those thoughts, wanting to bury my sadness into food. I’m staying the course with 13 pounds down now. I do NOT want to risk a backslide.

I’m also very tired of everyone telling me it will be okay, things aren’t going to be as bad as you think, it will workout. My gut, which NEVER lets me down, is not feeling all this happy, happy, happy, it’s feeling knots, lots of knots.

I will share sketches but will only be here briefly. I'm avoiding the news, and social media as much as possible but want to continue to hopefully brighten your day, trust me mine needs a lot of brightening.

The comments are telling me I should seek professional help.  FUCK NO!  You do not get it people, it will not be okay and no amount of "chatting" about it or taking a f-ing Pill will help this situation.  What am I going to do, numb myself to the reality that is our future in this country for millions of women, LGBTQ+ people, blacks, yellows, browns, etc.  The reality is that our country is going to f-ing pot and everyone keeps telling me "it will be okay".  Even my hubby, who voted for her but is a R in his heart doesn't get it.  This morning he proudly came in to tell me our retirement accounts, in 11 days are WAY up.  I lit into him and he said oh no, not this crap again.  What do you think, I'm going to be good in a few days, let things die down in my heart, my mind, FUCK NO!  I know, in his R mind he really thinks it's because of the election and how it all turned out, and frankly he's probably right, but I DON'T WANT THE MONEY if this is our reality.  I am beyond devastated for women, girls.  It's a shit show folks and I am not looking forward to the day when I can look in his face and others and say, "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Also, on this last note, I am closing down this blog at the end of the year.  I will no longer post on this because you know what, censorship is coming.  I don't want my words to come back to bite me in the butt.  I'm done.  I will continue to hand journal and create art.  I will continue to love my grands, my family and keep to myself, because if I don't keep it bottled I will blow up at the most inopportune time.  Guess I'm more like my sister than I thought.  If she was here, boy FB would be on fire by now.  So hang in for a few more posts, love to all.

Embarrassed and Ashamed

I am embarrassed.  Embarrassed by what we have done.  I am embarrassed to be an AMERICAN and that is what I am.  I saw a quick interview yesterday on Insta where an AMERICAN of Asian descent was having a meal with this numbnut white idiot, no I'm not going to hold my tongue.  This numbnut started talking about why he voted for OrangeMan and the deporting the "illegals" and anyone of color, or different ethnicity!  He voted for IT because he wants to hold on to the white race, his people.  THIS PEOPLE is what is all about.  The Christian Right and the abortion crap was all a smoke screen for the real truth of what is happening.  We will white wash what this country was really founded for, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF PERSECUTION OF RELIGION!   What the hell have we started.  You had better start teaching your children and your grandchildren the REAL history of what this country was founded on because it will wiped clean from all history books, in fact they will probably destroy every history book out there that shows the REAL history we were founded on.  I will NOT be forced to pray, to worship, to follow the perfect WHITE RACE.  That is preposterous.  I can not get my mind off what has happened to this country, a country I love and now am ashamed.  I used to cry when the National Anthem was sung, when we said the Pledge of Allegiance.  

These are the ORIGINAL words:

"I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

And on the Statue of Liberty, the plaque says: 

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! The Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, Inc."

How do we forget what this country was built on.  Why are we FORCING children to learn a "CHRISTIAN" religion when this country is based on multiple religions, not just one.  This is cult stuff people and you FELL for it hard.  You have been sucked in the to the ultimate death of this country and what is has always stood for.  You will KILL many women, girls and yes BABIES by you vote on Tuesday.  I am ashamed and embarrassed and overwrought with anger and despair of all of this.  It is all I can do to be civil to some people.  I am so dreading Thanksgiving because we have a nephew that spews this SHIT all over his FB page and it's all I can do to not take him to task.  He is STUPID, flat out stupid in everything he is posting and I know he will open his big fat mouth and spout this shit off at T-day and I will NOT be able to keep quiet.  I don't want to go, do not, do not, do not! I can't wait until his daughter has to register her periods with the government.  What happens when and if she has problems with a pregnancy and may die.  What happens dude...I am so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger it's all I can do to be civil to anyone right now.  

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENEND!

DAMN!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED yesterday.  I didn't watch the results last night, fear the driving force.  I was right to be afraid because when I woke at 5 this AM and turned the TV on, SHOCK!  Absolute shock is what faced me.  I am totally devastated by this outcome, plus for the house and senate to go red we are in trouble.  Women are in trouble, more than already.  The LGBTQ community is in desperate trouble.  ANYONE with a name that is in question that is 'NOT AMERICAN' is in trouble of being deported or put into camps.  It is a horrible nightmare.  I'm truly scared, scared for my girls, my grandgirls, family members with LGBTQ community.  WHAT the hell is going on that WOMEN are allowing STUPID WHITE MEN take control over us.  WHAT THE HELL!  I am just in a horrible mental place right now.  Terrified!  So I will do what I do to help with my mental health, create art.  I will get back to drawing and painting and stay away from the news and social media for a bit.  Head down and create.  Take care friends.

Sketching, Surgery and FOOD

Hello again.  Life is rumbling along.  This morning we are off to the hospital for him to have foot surgery.  He has a cyst/bulge/bunion/something on the side of his foot that has been bothering him for some time.  It makes the dancing painful.  Weirdly enough his middle brother had the same thing a few years ago.  So today, I am packed up for hurry-up-and-wait day.  I've got counted-cross stitch ornament, journal, sketching journal and pencils, my Kindle, I am ready for sitting and waiting.  We have to be there at 9:15 and surgery is 11:30.  They also said it will be a 4-6 hour surgery!  What the heck.  I also packed a lunch and a few munchies for me to make it through the day.  He said he will be ready to eat a bear when done but who knows.  I'm expecting to be out about dinner time and I'm also ready to cook.  

FYI, I am down 11 pounds today!  That is pretty exciting.  I've been stuck at 10 pounds for nearly 2 weeks but suddenly the scale shifted.  I've really, REALLY been trying to be dedicated to what I am eating and it's been pretty easy.  

Last week I cooked a pork butt in the crock pot and we got three meals out of it, with one of the meals with three other people.  It was $10 and stretched nicely. I made pulled pork over mashed cauliflower which was so tasty.  He loved it.  A couple days later I made pozole verde for 5, another home run.  The Friday evening I made pork and cheese quesadillas.  The verde part of the last two meals was my favorite find of Herdez Salsa Verde!  OMG, my new favorite salsa.  

I used it in the pozole and to dip the quesadillas in.

Last night I had shrimp, a half package of grape tomatoes, "j"arlic, 2 sad stalks of celery, 1/4 cup of white wine, salt & pepper.  I served it over mashed riced cauliflower with lemon, adding a splash of cream and butter, S&P.  OMG, this was tasty too.  So, this low carb thing is really working.  

Sketching, Food, and Life

Monday morning and I'm here at the studio.  Am I painting yet, no, because I also pay bills here and I had to call the bank after an update shut me out of a program.  Time WASTED!  I only popped in here once last week as I watched kiddos a bit and just didn't want to be here.  I'm fighting getting back to oils lately only wanting to draw.  Kind of in a weird place right now and I'm sure it's just the weather and lots of time on my hands.  I did have my book club over last Wednesday evening and this Wednesday is my "Birthday" club girls for dinner.  I put a pork butt in the crockpot at 5 am this morning and will cook it for about 8-10 hours.  Tonight we will eat it like pulled pork over mashed cauliflower and Wednesday I will make pozole for the girls.  

Yes, I am back on the low carb wagon and it is going quite well actually.  I went to my doctor a little over a month ago, my blood pressure was great but later, after the blood tests came back he is concerned I am prediabetic.  So he wanted me to come back in for an A1C test.  I am choosing NOT to do that but to jump in with both feet with the low carb thing and so far I have lost 10 pounds.  It's really not been too hard as I was already doing it, mostly, but back slid.  I was enjoying too much bean dip and Fritos!  Now I am spending my quality time with food really being careful, eating tons of greens, veggies and protein.  I feel really strong and confident that this is my path for the rest of my life.  I don't need Fritos but an occasional one is not going to kill me.  I've been going to gatherings and NOT eating the bad stuff and bringing veggie platters that I can stuff my face on.  I am going to do this.  As I said before my doctor prescribed Contrave, but it sits at the pharmacy waiting on the insurance/Medicare to approve.  I think I'm doing just fine on my own and will continue WITHOUT it!  They're adding more warnings on the shots that scare me too death and are exactly why I will not be doing them.  I will continue my food ways, clean eating and sketching!  

I've been adding stories with these on Facebook and they seem to be a hit and several people want me to write about them, in book form.  I kind of already do here on my blog.

Momma and Momma's hands...

Life Drawing class again...One of the best I've ever done.  Of course the sketchbook I used was one the kiddos have drawn on.  Makes it more beautiful, in my opinion.

Construction, Art and Holiday Woes

A week out from the reunion and honestly I'm at a loss for my brain.  It has been so much on my mind for months that there is a void in my thinking and planning.  It's okay, I'm ready to have it done but wow.  This weekend we scooted off to the cabin on Thursday morning and it was a very long four days of sitting around.  Oh, I'm okay with the sitting around but I sensed he was antsy.  He's just not used to sitting around.  He was also anxious with what was going on around our house.  The last of the fixin'-up was going on and he was so excited to see it happening but we needed to leave.  I'll explain.  Our back patio, walks, driveway are all stained and he's spent the past couple of weeks re-staining the back squares of the patio.  Then the painter was coming to seal it all.  That meant we couldn't even walk outside or drive on the driveway for a couple of days, so cabin life it was.  He was so intriqued by the process he kept getting on the cameras to watch.  So funny, my guy.  His heart is not too far from construction that's for sure.  

This weekend and a couple of weekends ago I set up a Painting in the Wigwam for cabin life peeps.  The first weekend it was just one who showed up and this weekend it was two.  That's okay, I got a couple of nice paintings out of it and time spent with ladies visiting.  This next weekend we are going to do it at our cabin so if it's just me, then okay, it's just me.  

It was a quiet weekend too as not many were there, well there were but some had company and others, eat up with college football..blech.  Not my thing for sure.  It's so dry there too, so much so that it's just dusty.  The new house is going up next door and it is a hoss I can tell you.  It is a house, not a cabin and dwarfs our place.  

I'm continuing the daily sketches and they have really taken a life all their own.  Every time I talk to people they always make mention of them and go on and on about how much they enjoy them, especially when I add a story with them.  

Today is I was having a pretty good day, until...I got an email, we, as a family got an email.  I saw it was from one of his brothers, the oldest saying they are hosting Thanksgiving.  WHAT!  WHAT THE HECK!  Thanksgiving is MINE!  I've done it for so many years now, except last year when we have Covid!  I was so upset, I mean cussing upset, outside, big BAD words.  I was pissed.  I didn't even get heads up.  I ranted and raved to him, to the youngest on the phone.  Man I was so mad and upset to the point of tears.  I feel like everything is changing from my norm and I am having a hard time with this change.  The more I thought about it I realized that probably the reason why they want to host is because he is in bad health and if they come to our house, which is a trek from Eufaula, she would have to drive.  This would mean she couldn't see her kids for Thanksgiving.  I think I get it now but dang it, dang it, dang it!!!  It's hard enough on me that Thanksgiving wasn't like it used to be, food wise because of the vegan and vegetarian part of the day, but we had that kind of worked out.  I miss cooking a turkey, really miss it and two years in a row I won't be doing that.  You know what I plan on doing, a couple of things here.  I decided that I would embrace Christmas Day dinner.  I always have the other bro-in-law and his hubby and my kiddos and their entourage but I will extend to my brother and maybe my sisters hubby and their kiddos.  I don't expect them to come but I will extend.  I don't know if I'll do a turkey and may save that to New Year's Day.  Oh, it's just swimming around in my head.  I'll figure it out, I always do.  For now, I'll let that torch pass to Dave, for now.  

Reunion-Palooza

 WHEW, reunion-palooza is done.  Four days of partying and fun and I am toast.  It started with a meeting last week to make sure all the "T's" were crossed and the "I's" were dotted.  All along Roger had been wanting to have a kind of pre-party at his house WAY out in the country.  So we ventured there and it was such fun.  He did a BBQ and there were many classmates in attendance.  His place is just beautiful.  I had never been that far out in my life, or that I remember.  That was Thursday night.  Then Friday it was pizza night at the hotel and we arrived with many already there.  Oh gosh I could hardly sit down at the name tag table that I had to keep jumping up and hugging everyone.  We had the worst pizza ever but no one cared, they just had fun visiting, laughing and looking at yearbooks.  

Then Saturday was our big event at a convention room in the hotel with heavy appetizers.  We had arrived earlier in the day for dressing the room up and it looked great.  We also had a DJ, which The Hubby could not understand why we didn't have a dance floor.  For one, the room we had was not big enough for a dance floor.  Second, we've done that before and all of 4 people danced, not worth the money.  All we wanted to do was chat and visit and reminisce the memories of days gone by.  We had so many that had never been to a reunion and some who didn't graduate with us, moving or dropping out.  That didn't matter one whit, we embraced everyone and had the absolute best time.  I'm telling you though I was so tired and my feet so sore I could hardly put one foot in front of the other and my face hurt from smiling, my ears were ringing from all the chatter and music.  I actually walked 2,500 steps in that room alone.  When I went to bed my toes kept cramping most of the night.  

Sunday it was up again and out the door to the brunch at a local bar and grill (not my choice on the committee).  We've met there several times but it is a smoking bar and I was not happy about that.  But, you know we had about 30 that showed up.  They were on their own dime there.  I was so dead tired when I left to head home.  I/we were supposed to go to Min's 5th birthday party at the Pumpkin Patch but the thought of more noise, kid noise and more walking, I just couldn't do it.  She's coming over tomorrow and I will give her birthday present to her then and to Snicklefritz.  Their birthdays are a day apart.  Snicklefritz's is tomorrow and Min's the next day.  They're all coming over for pizza, vegan pizza, salad and I'll put a bow on a cup of Oreo's for them.  Min I have a couple of gifts and Snicklefritz I'm taking her shopping in the next few weeks.  Anyway, I headed home and sat in my chair, kicked back the foot rest and slept hard for over three hours.  I was TOAST!  

Today I spent the morning updating the address list and totaling up the numbers.  I wanted to see how many we had and I kept having people asking me.  Good Grief!  Then I needed to send out a few emails to some classmates to write letters for Roger.  His name has been pitched for him to be a Great Graduate (they do this here).  I honestly don't know much about his childhood but others do so those I tapped out.  I know him more working on this reunion and his older years.  I'll write a letter too.  We're going to make sure this happens.  He is a great guy, who has an absolute passion for these reunions, our fellow classmates that is unmatched.  

Okay, I'm out.  Still trying to play catchup with my brain and rest. 

Oh, and one of my classmates was so in awe of my hair she had to take a picture of it. LOL!