Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dawn is breaking

Dawn is breaking here in town. We decided not to go to the cabin this weekend as The Hubby is leaving tomorrow morning for a guys weekend. He has been up since 5:30 smoking a brisket and is now getting ready to do the final stage in the oven. I will smell like smoked meat for a few days and so will the house. I promised him I would make one of my famous salads to accompany the brisket, 24-hour Layered Salad. My mistake is that they won't be eating it until Monday evening so I didn't want to make it on Friday. Yes Friday, yesterday, I was going to go to the cabin by myself but alas I promised so here I am, in town. That is okay as I do need to visit my Daddy and sis and maybe brother dear. I've avoided being around my daddy so I would not expose my staff infection to him but I am on the mend finally. I've also avoided seeing the sis after her terrible decision and act of getting rid of a beloved pet. I've still been angry with her but she is my sis and I have to move on. I just don't approve with it which seems to be my lot in life and really who we are as humans. We have to get along even though we may not agree 100% with people, their lives and decisions, we have to live together in this world. I don't agree with my sis, I don't agree with my "best" friend, I don't agree with a lot of stuff but that is their lives and I respect the diversity of our lives. I can grumble and complain but I have to let it go.

This week will be the last week that I will go to Jazzercise to the 5:30 a.m. class. I am so very sad that I won't be seeing my friends everyday like I have for the past 10 years. That is so hard to let go. The Hubby seems to not understand how hard the decision was for me to make. He is a man and just doesn't seem to have the need for friends like a woman does. When I quit going to Jazz that will be another friend base that will cease to exist for me. Oh we will still get together every few months for dinner, a girls night out but it won't be what I am used to. The loneliness will be horrible for me. My Beta Sigma Phi social organization cratered a few years ago, my Methodist Women's group cratered a few years ago and now my Jazz group is going to be a thing of the past. It is hard to keep those contacts together on a consistent basis afterwards. From the MW group there are four of us that regularly get together for dinner about 4-5 times a year. The BSP group I only have my "best" friend from that and that I have harped on before. I tried to get a bunch of us together a few months ago and it was awesome but has anyone else attempted the get-togethers, no. I'm tired of being the glue that tries to keep it all together. Someone come to me for once. I'm starting to be someone what of a loner because it has just all fizzled out. I do have the weekend crew at the lake but that doesn't seem to translate as well when we come back to town. I'm not included, we are not included much into stuff. We are going to turn into the old couple when we retire that sits home and watches TV day-in and day-out without a break, like my parents, dependent on the company of our children. My parents cut off all of their friends and groups and depended on us three kids and the grandchildren to be their social life and in the end, when Momma died they were essentially alone. Mommas so-called friends didn't even show up for her funeral or even call or send a card. Of course my parents did it to themselves, I'm not. I want friends. Oh, I'm just doing the pity me thing again. I have lots and lots of friends but none of them are forever friends. Again I'll say it, I want a "Lucy and Ethel" kind of friendship, always have. I guess I live in a fantasy world but when your "best" friend doesn't even seem to contact you for months at a time I just don't understand. On top of that we fundamentally don't have the same philosophy and outlook of life anymore, we are miles apart in total opposite direction but I don't let that be know. I keep my mouth shut which goes back to the respecting others but somehow I get lost in that and my opinions don't matter. Oh gosh it is a huge rat-race-circle that never ends.

Man, I am sorry, I have gone over the edge. Maybe I will have an opinion sometime but I'm afraid to voice it cause I don't want people mad at me. I don't want people to see me as weird. I don't say who I'm voting for. I don't say whether I'm Republican or Democrat, hell I don't even really know myself. I don't have an opinion either way on anything, I ride that fence because I'm comfortable there, aw a true Gemini, seeing both sides and then not able to commit.

1 comment:

Jean W said...

I understand about the election (although I've been for Obama since I saw him on C-Span 18 months ago speaking in Iowa and went and dragged my husband into the livingroom and said, "Sit down a minute, honey. You have just got to hear this guy!" But I tend towards indecisiveness -- which I blame on being a Pisces (2 fish -- swimming in opposite directions; what do you expect).