Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day 7 - The Battle Continues

As of yesterday I finished seven days of the colon cleanse.  That was 2-3 shakes a day (I only did 2), with added nutrition stuff, fiber and 7 cleanse capsules with each shake.  Then dinner I would have plate fulls of veggies and all day long, water, water, water.  I'm done with the nearly starvation part.  Just kidding, it really wasn't too much of a starvation kind of thing and I have not been perfect.  On day 5 I had a piece of pork tenderloin and on day 6, at the family/Father's Day event I had some brisket and my Grandma's dip on a chip (several times).  All in all though, I am down 6 pounds and The Hubby is THRILLED!  I will continue on but adding the lean meats, chicken and fish, brown rice and legumes.  Really, this is how I eat mostly and should not be a problem.  I am going to finish all of the product I have, the full 21 days but won't continue with the shakes after that.  ICK!  Not my favorite thing.  They don't taste bad, really but I am not a fan.  I think what is going to continue to work for me is the changes I have made.  I have given up diet pop and creamer in my coffee and fast food.  Those are my biggest offenders.  A little secret here is that my carpel tunnel has hardly bothered me and my creaky knees have stopped.  I have a BIG feeling that the diet pop was giving me the problems, had built up in my system and tearing my body down.

Now my thoughts about The Hubby being thrilled on the weight loss.  I am so torn inside with my emotions about that.  He seems so invested in my succeeding with this mission that I catch his eyes on me if there are obstacles in the way and I have the feeling that he is just waiting for me to fail, yet again.  Really, this is my thing and not his.  When I was taking those few chips at my aunt's on F's Day I was sneaking them, yes sneaking.  I've reverted to sneaking the food because he will be disappointed in me and I feel like a parent is watching me, ready to slap my hand (which he did many years ago.)  In the back of my mind I'm afraid that if I really do loose a lot of weight and look good, it might not be enough, that he'll want more and more and more.  When I was only about 20 pounds overweight some 30 years ago he would harp on me so what is the difference.  Maybe it's the health thing, but I'm healthy, according to my doctor.  I exercise and am in good shape.  Oh gosh, I am just making myself nuts and self-defeating myself.  This weight thing is such a huge battle.  I really would be happy to loose 50 pounds but 100 would be nice.  That's a scary thing to write here because in reality 100 pounds is just awful and I don't want to face it but if I want to be around for my granddaughter, and to enjoy playing with her I have to keep up at least giving up the diet pop and fast food.  Those two things alone which I did not have as a child should be of great benefit for me.

(Thought:  Maybe if I lose lots of weight I will feel more comfortable on the dance floor with The Hubby and enjoy myself.  Right now I just feel like a cow spinning around.)

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